Community

Hey,
 I'm going to be starting a fan fiction book, and I need some help on critiquing my plot, characters, writing style, and so forth. I'll be posting the raw un-critiqued pages, and then after they have been critiqued I will post the finished pages on my blog.
 So the question is, who will help me by posting helpful posts and critique nicely?

Core material:
• Protagonist will be Jarl Zallow. 
• Co-protagonist will be an IG-86 assassin droid Talus-6, Ships mechanic and love interest Marie Sulstar, Pilot of Red Lady and Ex-Commando Jace Banner, and   Jarl's Jedi Master Duncan.
• I have not decided who the main Antagonist will be. Help with this would be nice.
• Legacy Era 

After Jarl has left the hidden temple he will become slightly hard, but not dark. He is total light side. The light side version of Darth Malgus. This is his picture:

Jarl Zallow Show

I want the story to go from Jarl as a padawan to knight, and then Crusader. The first few chapters will focus on Jarl's training, and then go to Duncan's death right after Jarl has become a Jedi Knight. Jarl will feel Duncan's death. Then he will go tell off the Jedi council and chew them out about sitting around while the galaxy is ravaged by the dark side, and how they are doing nothing about it. He will then leave the hidden temple after he feels Duncan die. He will be mind wiped the insure he can't tell of the hidden temple. He will go to Tattooine and find the scene of his Master's death, some were he will find Duncan's lightsaber. Jarl will pick it up and swear to serve the light side and hunt down, destroy all dark siders, and protect innocent people. He will then go on a crusade around the galaxy. At some point he will meet the crew of the smuggling ship Red lady. He will join forces with them, and together they will... Not so sure about the rest of this. This is as far as I got.
 Some help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I'll cogitate on it and throw something your way when I get a chance.

I’m happy to oblige.

First off, I’m not very familiar with the Legacy Era, just so you know.

Now, before I can offer some advice, I have a few questions:

1) When you say, “He is the light side version of Darth Malgus,” what do you mean? Do you mean he has the same background and character history as Darth Malgus?

2) What is this hidden temple you keep talking about? Is it a lost Jedi temple? What happens there?

3) What is a “Crusader?” Is it someone who hunts down darksiders, like a Jedi Sentinel?

I like the part about Jarl chewing off the Council for not doing anything about the galaxy being ravaged by the dark side. A similar thing happened during the Old Republic. Revan was upset with the Council because the mandalorians were attacking and wreaking havoc on the Republic, and the Council was taking too long to decide whether or not to do something about it. The Jedi Exile also had similar feelings. In fact, one of my favorite parts of KOTOR 2 was when I had the chance to debate with Master Atris whether or not Jedi should go to war. It continues to be a controversial topic throughout all eras of the Star Wars universe.

For example, Mace Windu says at one point, “We’re keepers of the peace, not soldiers.” Yet, before long, the Clone Wars erupts and the Jedi become just that – soldiers, even generals! The result of the jedi joining the Clone Wars is that some of them become lost to the dark side, such as General Krell and finally Anakin.

The exposure of Jedi to the horrors of war and death have a negative impact on them, many times turning them towards the dark side.

This is what happened to Revan and Malak. They decided to spurn the Jedi Council and go off to fight the Mandalorians on their own. Many like-minded jedi knights followed them. They defeated the Mandalorians, however, this started them down the path to the dark side, until they discovered a source of power that gave them ultimate supremacy: The Star Forge. These jedi knights turned to the dark side and returned as ferocious Sith Lords, betraying the Republic they once fought for.

I don’t know if this is an issue that you want to bring out in your book, but personally, I love to debate whether or not Jedi should go to war. On the plus side, they can tilt the balance of war into the Republic’s favor. On the downside, many Jedi fall to the dark side and lose perspective on what is right and what is wrong.

Now, as for your character, swearing to hunt down and destroy darkside force-users may sound like a noble or “light-side” goal, but it’s not always the case. Many jedi fool themselves into thinking that it is. Some jedi even go too far in their quest to rid the galaxy of darkness. For example, one Jedi Master (I won’t name him for spoiler reasons) had a vision that one of his apprentices would become a powerful Sith Lord. He misinterpreted that vision and ordered the massacre of several padawans. He believed what he was doing was serving the light, but in reality, it was very dark.

Maybe I should have worded it better then swearing to hunt down and destroy darkside force-users. What I mean is he has sworn to protect all good people, and oppose all dark sider in all things.


Here is my first page:

 Chapter One 

Show



 Imperial TIE Fighter factory, Champala home world of the Chagrians, 132 ABY two years after the Ossus massacre

 The gray passenger shuttle put down with a thump that vibrated through the huge superstructure of the landing pad. Rain pelted the hull, the landing platform, and the twenty or so Stormtroopers. The lights from the ship and the check point reflected off their wet white armor. The landing ramp came down with a thud. The whine of the twin engines rose to a higher pitch, yet was muffled still by the hard rain. As the passengers walked down to the deck of the landing pad hoods came up as they got out from under the shuttle's protective wings. The Chagrian sergeant scanned the new comers. One by one the people had their ID cards read. The tall, well built person in the middle of the line came up next. "ID card please." The female security officer said as the man tried to walk through with out showing his ID. The man turned to face the women, his entire face hidden in the dark shadows of his hood. "You don't need to see my identification. I can go about my business." The women paused and cocked her head for a second. Then she smiled. "I don't need to see your identification. You can go about your business." The man gave a slight nod of his head and then walked forward again. The sergeant's blue head snapped around, his lethorns flying. That man didn't give her an ID, he thought.
 The tall figure stopped, his armored hands down at his sides, as he heard the clang clang of boots on metal and, "Halt were you are!" He didn't even turn as he sensed ten people come up behind him, and heard the click of safeties going off. "OK buddy, who are you?" The sergeant said as he walked a little closer then his troops. Jedi Master Duncan smiled. He reached down towards his waist. The stormtroopers tensed and the sergeant took a step back. His answer was the distinctive snap-hiss of a lightsaber, and a green light getting thrown around the pad.

 

Sounds like a good start. I don't know what happened to your spoiler block, but when I unhide it, it extends horizontally off the screen. I had to copy and paste it to a notepad to read it properly.

Anyway, like I said, I don't know anything about Legacy Era. Who is commanding the Stormtroopers in this era? Is there still an Empire and a Rebellion?