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That's not entirely true, but it is what I tell my mother. I am the second child after all. If I didn't look just like my dad and have the same weird quirks and obsessions as my mom, I'd think they adopted me when I was 3. Why? Because that's when I first started seeing myself in pictures. Okay, that's not entirely true either. I am in a few pictures as a baby but that's only because I happened to be in the background of the picture they were taking of my brother. He was expressionless! He lacked personality until he was 26! They called him "Old Stoneface!" Come on-- I was a cute, chubby baby with an alarming amount of black hair. Who wouldn't want to take pictures of that?

Anyway, I'm determined to not let the "second child syndrome" happen to this little lovely so it is my pleasure to introduce you to:

Ta da! What's strange is that some of my best friends saw Facebook today and said, "What? Really?"

Hmm... I guess I haven't been giving the second child quite as much love as I should be. Well that stops now. 

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Dungeons & Dragons comes out September 6, 2011. Please judge this one by it's cover because I think it's pretty fabulous. (Thanks, Matt!)

Weird that you can pre-order something that isn't even finished yet. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some writing to do. And by "writing" I mean "filling in the pages of "Everything's" baby book. It's first catalog, first Facebook appearance, earliest cover sketch, etc."  

(And yes, Nina, those last two chapters. Jeez.)

I had deams about Dark Sun last night. I woke up gagging, coughing up imaginary sand, fearful of what my esthetician was going to say about the welts and blisters on my usually SPF-protected face. I was a mess. The sheets were balled up and the cat was pissed.

“I’m melting!” I screamed at Zelda. “Quick! Get in the freezer!”

Zelda gave me a look similar to the one I used to give anyone who dared to wear white before Memorial Day. Then she went back to sleep. Most cats would probably enjoy the heat.

“Don’t panic,” I told myself, as Zelda was clearly no help. I was safely in my Seattle condo. No food rations. No silt runners hiding behind my houseplants, ready to implode my worldly possessions with their stupid, little buggy minds. And certainly no blazing sun beating down on me. This was June in Seattle, after all. 

Why the Dark Sun drama? I played in the new Dark Sun season of Encounters yesterday in my lunchtime game. It was my first time adventuring through this setting. I heard about Dark Sun, read the excited fan reactions to Dark Sun’s return, and have sat through Dark Sun design meetings for months now. It’s hot. It’s dangerous. There’s psionics involved. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I thought I was ready for Dark Sun. But umm… in a word? No.

When Chris, our DM, got the game kit a few weeks ago, he laid out all the pre-gens on his desk so we could pick our characters.

“Can I play Beer Can?” I asked. I haven’t played a sorcerer since Astrid in my 3.5 Eberron campaign so, regardless of his human nature, I was drawn to that character.

“You mean Barcan?” Chris asked. But it was too late. I read it as Beer Can and from here on out he’d be known as such.

“No, that’s his name,” I said. “Beer Can McGillicuddy.”

He tried correcting me with Herteus, my character from Season 1 too.

“It’s pronounced “Heretus,” he said when we went through the pre-gens a few months ago.

Poor Chris. He has so much to learn about DM’ing for me. I’m the Pre-Gen Whisperer. I can read their minds. Free them from their pre-generated backgrounds. Allow them to live the life they want to live with the names they want to be called.

Not only did Herteus’s name stick, but it helped shape his backstory.

“His name is Herteus Maximus,” I explained in session 1. “And he’s gonna bring on the Hert.”

Chris and the rest of the party just rolled their eyes. That, as it turned out, couldn’t have been further from the truth. The only “hert” Herteus brought was to himself. He was also terrified of rats and prone to hysterics as soon as we finished an encounter.

“It’s just so emotionally draining!” he’d cry. “Someone hold me!”

I'm so sending him through the Tomb of Horrors.

Chris sighed. “Oh, fine. Beer Can it is.”

So, Dark Sun…WTH is up with this place? There we were, chilling in our caravan like we were Priscilla, Queens of the Dessert, and then ambushed by silt runners seconds later. 

“What the hell?” we asked. “We just got here.”

“Welcome to Dark Sun,” Chris said.

“But what is our goal?” we asked.

“Survival,” Chris said.

“But who gave us our orders?” we asked. “Do we have a mission? A schema? A bad guy to go after???”

“Nope,” he said. “You just have to get out of here. Alive.”

Now that’s a novel concept. Fight for our lives? In the most literal sense? I have to admit, it took me a while to grasp that. And by “a while” I mean until my poor human sorcerer was bloodied by one measly attack. 

"Like a can opener through a tin can," I said.

And then there was the whole hoarding food thing. Chris kindly informed us that we could use a move action to secure a day’s worth of food out of the caravan.

“Yeah, yeah,” we mumbled. Just like how you're supposed to have a light source on you and a healing potion tucked in your robes just in case  but no one really calls you on it if you don't. I kind of figured this was the same deal. But Chris kept reminding us. Every time we started our turns.

“You could get a day’s worth of food before you do that, you know,” he said.

“I could,” someone said, “but I want to charge this silt runner instead.”

“Okay,” Chris said, emphasizing the O. “Whatever you want.”

He was beginning to sound like my grandmother. Chris didn’t cook the food we were poo poo’ing so he had no reason to be offended if we didn't take it. Ahhhhh….! Now I get it! Food matters. We were going to be out here on the run, trying to survive, for a long, long time. I immediately took out a notebook and pencil and wrote down how many rations each party member secured. I love food. Beer Can loves food. He will not go down because of a little malnourishment.

People weren’t lying when they said Dark Sun was brutal. It is and I can’t wait to see where it takes us. In the meantime I will sleep with the fan on and the window open. Good thing Beer Can’s sister is a healer.

Weather is great. Wish you were here. I mean really wish you were here. We could use the help.

Hey everyone! It’s that time of year again. No, not for jingle bells or snowflake sweaters or hot buttered rum (then again, when isn’t it time for hot buttered rum? Yum.)

It’s time to settle another grudge match between Mr. Bart “I-promise-to-be-your-much-needed-cleric-until-a-cooler-class-comes-along” Carroll and yours truly.
Remember that song “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid. If you were alive in the 80’s you do. Otherwise, here’s a refresher:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jEnTSQStGE

I’m trying not to sway your vote here but come on… did you see Bananarama in there!? I know!

That song was a holiday staple in many of our childhoods and yet some of us don’t think it’s up to snuff. Again—I know! That’s where you all come in.  please take a moment to cast your vote and settle this debate once and for all.

Do They Know It’s Christmas: Good Song or Bad Song?

And please don’t be swayed by the awesome hair in the video or how much money Band Aid raised for famine relief in Ethiopia.

Thank you for your time in settled a grudge match once again.

Happy holidays. And feed the world… let them know it’s Christmastime!

My foray into Dungeon Mastering is fast approaching and I’ve already got the trash talking part down (thanks, New DM!)

“Hi ladies, our Monday game is coming up. I hope you’ve all had time to roll-up your characters and not enough time to get attached to them.”

Their responses?

“Boo, Mazz! That’s mean! “

“My character is going to beat you up in the parking lot.”

And my favorite:

“Yeah! You’re all going down! Oh wait, we’re supposed to be on the same team, right?”

This is going to be fun! 

Even so, I find myself conflicted. I am the Player-in-Chief, am I not? (And before R&D can answer that—I AM! Stop pretending otherwise!) But I’m about to be a Dungeon Master too. So what about all those rules and enforcements and picket signs I have up my sleeve? They’re kind of meant to screw me, the DM, right? See why I’m conflicted? 

Then to complicate matters even more I received an email from a group of angry DM’s appealing to the Player-in-Chief. They have formed a group, GETM (Gamemasters for the Ethical Treatment of Monsters) which apparently works in cooperation with DAPPER (Dungeon masters Against Player and Pc EmpoweRment.) Perhaps they’ll be kind enough to establish those groups right here on this community so other interested parties can join. Maybe I’ll join? What a horrible idea! That would be wrong! Right? Wrong! Errrrrrrr! This conflict is tearing me up!

Anyway, they go on to say they have read my articles on “player empowerment with disdain!” Disdain! And they demand that I, Miss Player-in-Chief, “see the other side of the gold piece.”

Fine, I say. I’m happy to hear their arguments. But might I first remind you Dungeon Masters that it was ME, the Player-in-Chief, who gave you a holiday! An entire month, if you’ll remember. (And if you don't remember, might I direct your attention here?) That’s got to count for something, right? Nope. They don’t think so. They still want more! Typical Dungeon Masters.

GETM goes on to say, “We understand that to the PCs our monsters are just furry and scaly little balloons of experience waiting to be popped, but we would ask that players respect and appreciate the time and effort that goes into each of these lovingly hand crafted beings. So often we have created places filled with wonder and diversion for our minions, only to have them trounced within seconds by some bloodthirsty band of kleptomaniac narcissists. Then those same individuals, with their delusions of godhood, don’t even have the decency to follow the adventure we created. Off they go into a bar brawl because one of them is looking for some hapless NPC to copulate with. Our monsters don’t create issues for us. PCs do!”

Wow. Them are fightin’ words if I ever heard them. 

But wait—they offer a compromise: “We here at GETM will gladly offer each starting adventurer a map to the treasure lairs of either Vecna, Tiamat, or Orcus where they can then pilfer their larcenous guts out. (This offer only applies to adventurers that have not already made a name for themselves slaying the “misunderstood” races or poor defenseless minions.”)

Shelly the fledgling Dungeon Master says, Yeah! Let’s do it!” But Shelly the Player-in-Chief says, “You’re out of your tree, GETM!” (And that’s a low blow, appealing to my sensitive animal-loving personality with your sad tales of misunderstood monsters and abuse.) My Tabitha almost died at the hands of these “lovingly hand-crafted beings.” Beloved members of my party DID die because of these “furry and scaly little balloons of experience.” No way! No deal!

But…hold on a second.

Ooooh, I want to cause great harm to my newbie PCs! I want them to leave the table battered and bruised and put in their places! What the heck is wrong with me? I cringe watching dopey, dramatic 7^th-grade theater class fight scenes on soap operas (but not while soap operas. Interesting. We’ll go there another time.) I almost passed out coming into work today because the Bloodmobile was parked in our lot! I'm a wuss! And yet, only days ago I discouraged the newbie group from rolling up a cleric! 

“Oh don’t worry about it. You’re only 1^st level. What harm could befall you?”

Yes, people! I’m the same person who almost left Bart on the side of I5 when he dreamily waxed on about ditching the healing arts for the glories of an assassin. I want healing! No, I don’t! Who am I anymore?!

So I ask you, WotC Community, where do you draw the line? Is there a line? How does being a PC affect how you DM and is dungeon mastering affected by how you act as a player? Is this payback for torturing New DM for the past 2 years? Never mind. I already know the answer to that one. 

Help! 

Yours in Conflict,

Shelly

Player (and sometimes DM)-in-Chief

You like Dungeons & Dragons? Sure you do! You like dating? Ugh. Nope. But you might if you could combine the two. 

Check out the Dating & Dragons: http://tinyurl.com/yb237mz

My mom is standing by to offer all sorts of unsolicited, random, sometimes-but-not-always-relevant advice. 

Enjoy!

If you read last month’s Confessions of a Full-Time Wizard, Party Fowl, then you’ve heard all about The Wyld Stallyns’s trouble filling certain party-roles. Our original paladin left the company and after a lengthy search we filled the vacancy with an exuberant, eager ingénue who ended up leaving the company after only one game. Was it something we said?

The healer was another role we’ve had trouble keeping and have gone way too long without. We thought we finally found a keeper in the D&D Overachiever—a.k.a. Bart Carroll. We interviewed several candidates, but Bart emerged as our top choice. He eagerly came into the group as a cleric and we gleefully accepted him as a cleric. We NEED a cleric! I cannot stress that enough.

So after 2 games as a cleric (where he even saved Tabitha from certain death, no less) Bart finds himself seduced by the allure of the new assassin class. Aren’t we all? But again, People, WE NEED A CLERIC! Bart, who plays in other games outside of ours, doesn’t see any problem with OUR cleric having an identity crisis and ditching the healing arts for something a bit more thrilling.

“You can’t be an assassin!” I said on our drive home from work. “We hired you to be a cleric.”

“I know,” he said, from the passenger’s seat. “But the assassin is just so cool.”

He doesn’t get it!

So I tried to explain this in terms he would get.

“What if the Bears hired this great quarterback who was extremely talented and promised to bring the team certain glory. And he does! At least for the first 2 games. Soon after he says to the coach that he finds the position of middle linebacker much more exciting and doesn’t wish to be a quarterback any longer.”

“That would be great,” Bart said. “Urlacher is out for the whole season!”

Grrrrrrr…

So you see, he still doesn’t get it and won’t let it die!

We’re still down a player so his argument is to make “the new guy/girl” play the cleric. But I’m not sold. We shouldn’t “make” people play roles unless of course it’s the role they AGREED TO PLAY COMING INTO THE GAME!

So I will leave this up to you:*

Should we let Bart change classes? 

*Voting open until Friday, September 25^th.

The other day I was asked about joining a start-up D&D game at the office. The game would be just women and (with the exception of myself and 1 other) all new to D&D. 

I readily accepted. I know... me, the D&D monogamist. But this group sounded like too much fun to pass up. Little did I know what I was signing up for. 

"So you'll be our Dungeon Master then?"

Say what? I didn't sign on for THAT! So, I readily declined. 

"Hell no!" I said. "You don't want me to be your DM!"

But she begged to differ.

"We do. You'll like it."

Did I mention this person is my boss?

Again I strongly demurred. 

"I don't wanna!!!! Nooooooooooooooo!!!"

"You have to," she said. "We need a DM and you'll be good at it."

Good at it! Ha! If by "good" she means I have a weird allergy that forces me to call in sick every Monday, then yeah, I'll do great!

But then I got to thinking. Do I really not want to? Don't I want to teach more people to play? Don't I want to hone my DM'ing skills? I mean, who better to practice on than a group of brand new players, who also happen to be my friends. 

Yes, yes, I know what those of you who read Confessions are thinking. Didn't I already try to teach D&D to my friends? True. And it ended... well... it ended. But these women want to play. No need to get them drunk and withhold their desserts. And maybe you remember that series of columns I did when I tried DM'ing for my own D&D game group. Ugh. Let's not go there.

And wow, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me for advice on teaching someone (usually a woman) how to play D&D, well... I'd have that new, overpriced coffee table I've been coveting 3x over. And maybe some new shoes. Maybe it's time to practice what I'm preaching? Or maybe I can convince someone in R&D to listen in on our games and help me Cyrano de Bergerac style.

So I agreed. Hoping that if they don't have fun they'll one day try it again with a more experienced DM. And if they do have fun, they regale me with presents and food offerings. I sent them an email detailing what they need: dice, handbooks (no sharing!), and a 1st level character. In just 2 weeks it's game on!

And now it's time to tell me what I need. That's where you come in. I'd love some suggestions on adventures, encounters, or delves that are easy to learn and easy to DM. "What not to do" stories are also welcome. In fact, they are required.

Many thanks!

Nancy Drew I am not. But I do like amateur sleuthing. And making half-a**ed conclusions. Who doesn't? Mostly I just feel like I should write something in this nifty blog space and this is all I can think of today. So here are some random facts* about Wizards of the Coast:

*(as concluded by yours truly and therefore not facts at all.)

1. WotC is located in Renton, WA, about 13 miles south of Seattle and only 1.5 miles down the street from Washington state's only Ikea. 

2. Lots of people go to Ikea for lunch.

3. People are habitual about where in the lot they park. There are the left side people, right side people, side by the daycare people and along the side people. 

4. Most people who park on the side by the daycare live in West Seattle.

5. Everyone on the publishing team (which includes D&D and novels) with the exception of our director, has at least one cat. 

6. The dragon in our lobby is named Mitzy. She has a tattoo.

7. It is almost always 20 degrees colder in here than it is outside. 

8. You will almost never get a spoon from the 4th floor kitchen after 9:30 AM. We constantly accuse the 3rd floor people of stealing them.

9. WotC takes up 2 and 1/2 floors in this building. We have 3 soda machines which run out of Diet Coke at an alarming rate but only because they don't put enough in to begin with. Cherry Coke and yes, Mountain Dew are also very popular. 

10. One vending machine in the building harbors a secret. There is one row (usually filled with some kind of chip) that only costs $.05. It's only a secret from the guy who fills the vending machines who probably wonders why no matter what he puts in that slot it always sells out.

Okay, I'm practicing with this whole blog posting business. I'm starting off with an easy one-- a link to my latest Confessions of a Full-Time Wizard column. Maybe many of you have suffered the same fate. What is it with those flakey paladins?

Read all about it here:

www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/drcw/2...