Alright, time to post all of my praise and scathing criticism! As always, I encourage people to read the comments I gave to other entries, simply because it may prove interesting or helpful (or it may not, who knows?).
I apologize to all of the people who posted after-hours or disqualified entries, but I had enough trouble commenting on all the valid ones that I just couldn't give you guys comments this time. Sorry.
I certainly have to say your entry was imaginative. I never imagined that someone would create living ammunition, let alone a rock monster designed to be spat out of a giant worm. I will give you credit for that. I can easily imagine a bunch of players doing a double-take when their DM tells them the boulder that just crushed their Cleric stands up and starts punching them, so this entry easily gets a full "Fun" quasi-score from me.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of technical problems with this entry that significantly hurt your Usability and Clarity. You really need to take a much closer look at the Monster Manual and study the exact way that they write out stat blocks, and monster powers in particular. Many of the powers of your monsters have all kinds of unnecessary information added in that just make them confusing. In some places you refer to powers that seem to have a different name in the actual power description. I will admit that I can't quite keep track of how all of the Spitwurm's powers work together, particularly with regards to objects and how they use the Rockling as a projectile. You have even omitted essential information in some places (like what kind of action two of the Rockling's attacks use). Spelling and grammatical errors only add to these issues.
Just as importantly, these monsters suffer from a few design flaws. For one, many of their powers' attack bonuses don't add up with the right formulas, and I think you chose the wrong damage values for several attacks (for example, the Rockling's slam does far too much damage for an accurate Soldier attack that can hit multiple targets half the time). The Spitwurm suffers terribly from all of its powers requiring a standard action, resulting in a creature that can't easily fight multiple opponents and can easily get bogged sown so much it can take three or four turns between uses of its primary method of attack. You could at least have made swallowing or regurgitation into faster actions, since as it is it needs two full turns or an action point in order to launch a Rockling from its stomach. I also think the Rockling suffers a lot from role confusion. You list it as a Soldier, but its Rockshape power that lets it be used as a projectile is more of a Lurker ability, and it generally fights more like a Brute.
I had to mark you down a bit for optional elements. You were close with the "do not share same origin, type, or size", and it is technically correct, but I would peg the Rockling as more of an Elemental Beast rather than an Elemental Magical Beast based on the flavor you gave it and its fighting style. Also, the complimentary nature of their abilities sort of works, but perhaps could have been done better. I didn't even realize how they were supposed to work together until I read your scenario, and even then very little of the synergy comes from the Rockling's Rockshape ability. Neither issue is worth a big penalty, but they are there.
One other issue I see is that I have a hard time seeing these two elites being anything but random wandering monsters, especially in combination. A few words on how to use them in other situations would have been nice.
Finally, I feel the need to point out that the Elemental Plane of Earth does not exist in 4E.
Viscous Orb Swarm: This one bothers me on a conceptual level. Why does it have so many elements? How does a ball of viscous goo deal Force damage? How do these orbs get propelled? Why does a collection of bouncing balls of ammunition have an Int score of 18? Where is its swarm attack? Overall, this is a fairly ridiculous and improbable kind of creature, and your charts of random elements and effects would make it fairly awkward to run. Also, the Endless Power ability you gave it is useless, since it doesn't even have encounter powers, and even if it did it would have been more elegant to just use Recharge powers. You also may want to rethink the activation trigger on Unexpected Detonation.
Trickster Lob Master: Its defenses seem a bit high... There is no way that Orb Lob is balanced, being a minor-action at-will power with normal damage and a control effect, not to mention the conceptual oddities of the main ability of a creature being totally dependent on the presence and nature of a specific other kind of monster. Undeniable Beauty and Lure of the Wild both have far too low of attack modifiers and feel out of place (why would a ranged artillery monster want to bring enemies closer, anyways?).
I think it is interesting that the first two entries both involve one elite using the other as ammunition, but I think your entry suffers a bit from the comparison. Whereas Pluisjen created a pair of creatures that both could reasonably exist on their own and can be used in encounters separate from each other, you created two that could never be reasonably separated and one can't really logically exist without the other.
You optional elements do seem a bit forced. In particular, they really don't have abilities that complement each other. They have abilities that require the other, but that is not the same thing.
Finally, putting all the flavor text in the middle of the power description, particularly in that spot, really makes the power a lot harder to read and understand.
The actual stats and such for your two creatures are quite good. The two creatures may have a few two many abilities between the two of them, and there certainly seems to be an issue with both of their defenses being a bit too high and the Aspect of Cruelty's Strength being far too high, but they are pretty solid. I like the way their auras and vulnerabilities contradict each other, and their combat synergy is nice, if a bit too subtle to be picked up at first glance.
Generally, I think you should take some of the advice I gave earlier in the thread and avoid writing so much. Ultimately, it didn't help you very much at all, and all that writing simply exposed a lot of the limitations and flaws of your writing (your attempts at flowery description tend to fall a little flat, you embed too much important information in easy-to-miss parts of the text, you tend to want to micromanage DM preparation too much, etc). And despite all that effort, I can't say your attempt to create an interesting scenario involving the two Aspects was all that successful. After all, you never manage to really explain why the PCs happen to find the two Aspects in the same place at the same time, even though they have such radically different goals, methods, alignments, and run the risk of hurting each other whenever they get too close together. I can understand why they want to stay in the same general area, but I still can't imagine them hanging around in the same room. And couldn't the PCs just skip the entire adventure and go straight to the last parts simply by following the apparently obvious trails the Aspects leave behind?
In terms of optional elements, I like a lot of your work on those, but a big problem is the "antilogous powers" element. I think you unintentionally failed that one, since the contrary ideas of "bounty and growth" and "cruelty and decay" and their supposedly opposing natures don't come across very well in the powers themselves.
Also, your list of recommendation on how to fit the Twin Aspects into an established setting reads more like a list of ways to alter an existing setting in order to fit an unchangeable pair of creatures, which defeats the point a bit, in my opinion.
Finally, the ritual was unnecessary, and "touches" is not a clear rules term.
Do you have to start with flavor text that is so gruesome? Ugh...
Tangler: The core stats for this creature are good, but everything goes wrong when you start reading the power descriptions. It seemed to get worse the farther I read... Vine Whip is a very powerful at-will ability, and even has too much initial damage (use the low damage expression for control attacks), even if it has too low of an attack modifier. Giving the thing two vine attacks for the cost of one action, and then adding on all kinds of synergies that occur when multiple vines hit, push this into the realm of being far too powerful. After that, the next several powers get into excessive and murky simulationist descriptions that worry far too much about where the vines are and what they are attached to, breaking fundamental rules of the game and adding too much complexity in the process. Please try to keep it simple. I don't even know what a "standard/move" action is supposed to mean. Finally, the last two abilities simply seem pointless, adding more complexity and pointless options. And despite all of this, it is still a bit too limited by its reliance upon standard actions. An immediate interrupt thorn defense would have been appropriate, I think.
Ethereal Mauler: Wasn't this a 3E creature? Anyways, mechanically speaking this one is fairly sound. It seems like it might have a few too many ways to get claw attacks in (the combination of both Claw Rake and Third Arm Strike seem a bit much for an Elite), and a few numbers seem just a little high (why the high stats?), but it is much cleaner than the Tangler. Still, its origin seems a bit confused... It is a Far Realm creature or an artificial natural life-form?
The real glaring weakness of this entry is that you basically just created two creatures that have absolutely nothing to do with each other, which makes it nearly impossible to make their combination interesting. In fact, they don't even really have a symbiotic relationship, so any encounter or even adventure that involves both would have to rely on coincidence. In addition to this (or partly because of this), your implementation of many of the optional elements is flawed. You were really reaching to even list 1 and 10 in the way you did, since I don't think you even succeeded with 8. Their powers simply don't compliment each other at in any way that I can see.
Your entry is a bit bare bones, but that is not a problem. However, you probably should have elaborated more on the sample encounter and scenario, since you are right on the verge of not qualifying for required element E. Short and to the point can be good, but make sure you have all of the required elements covered.
I like the format you used for the monster statblocks. It is clean and readable, and manages to get across all the important information. Also, other than the fact that you omitted the Elite bonus to defenses, your math looks pretty good. However, I think you accidentally omitted the Fire Archon Diplomat's Immune/Resist/Vulnerable line, since it should have at least the typical archon immunities and such...
I don't really like the way you created unique "frozen" and "burning" conditions, but I like even less the fact that you triggered the recharges of their big attack powers on those conditions. After all, for every other case you left it open so the two Diplomats could work well alongside any creature of the opposing keyword, not just the opposite Diplomat, but your use of those conditions undermines that flexibility. Also, it is simply more elegant to put all the actual conditions directly in the power text, like you did with the Frozen Staff power.
I admit that I am having a bit of trouble imagining how the Swap Targets power would work. Either requiring that the two swapped creatures stand close to each other or giving it the Teleport keyword would have helped.
I like the fact that you tried to mix elements 1 and 9, but I think you made the benefits of standing close too small and the penalty for touching too great. Also, the trigger on the touching penalty seems a bit awkward to me.
Finally, I think the biggest weakness of your entry in my opinion is that you made the two Diplomats too much like each other and not enough like their respective kinds of Archons. Other Ice Archons like slowing enemies and creating difficult terrain around themselves, while other Fire Archons like to punish enemies for standing too close through damaging auras or close bursts that go off when they take a lot of damage. Your entry would have been better if you incorporated some of those things (I would have been really impressed if you managed to combine such ideas with elements 1 and 9).
You make a number of errors in your statblocks, such as small flaws in defense and attack values and at least two instances of writing "1d6+8" where you probably mean "2d6+8". Also, the Mind Over Matter ability probably could have been designed in a more intuitive and easy to read manner. Other than these issues, though, the raw mechanics of your monsters seem fairly good to me. The Dream Eater doesn't really seem like a Lurker, since it doesn't really lurk (maybe it would have worked better as a Controller?), but it is otherwise an interesting monster.
My big concern with this entry is that the two monsters really don't have much of a connection or any synergy with each other at all. Their only link seems to be some vague connection to Vecna, and they don't seem to work particularly well together. I mean, you are trying for the complimenting abilities optional element, but I am not really seeing it. Well, I guess that the way the Rakshasa Mystic sets up combat advantage so that the Dream Eater can give it additional attacks may count, but it just seems a bit weak and unfocused to me. If the Rakshasa could get any special benefit from the Vexing Flanker ability I might be persuaded, but it really doesn't. The Dream Eater is simply good enough at granting itself flanking and combat advantage that it would be better paired with creatures that could actually take advantage of the flanking.
You probably should have been more informative about how you were using optional element 6. You could at least have mentioned which monsters you were borrowing concepts from and what books they were in... Actually, it is only thanks to wrecan pointing it out to me that I realized you meant to use Vecna as the big statted-up Epic monster (I didn't realize Vecna already had stats). In many ways, the creatures themselves have only a weak connection to the undead god.
Your writing has a few flaws here and there. You keep forgetting to mention crucial details and then referring to said details in later paragraphs (such as the fact that Mual-Tar is a primordial) or even failing to mention them at all (why would the cult of Mual-Tar be persecuted by the law?). You also do a few odd things like repeat the exact same sentence twice in two different places, and there are a few grammatical errors (such as using a comma instead of a period).
The whole cult justification is a bit cliche, and it doesn't really work for this pair of creatures. You say it yourself: it seems contradictory for cultists of a thunder primordial to build themselves around the idea of silence. Your justifications don't really get around that (and why do they need to be Genasi and undergo weird physical changes, anyways?). Also, their effects mostly seem redundant, since it seems excessive and pointless to make everyone both mute and deaf, while also creating so much noise that no one can hear anyway and running around too quiet to be heard. I also will admit a general dislike of the random creations of a small, minor cult being level 26 epic monstrosities...
The Cacophonous Discord's basic stats and first few powers are fine, but Deafening Rage and especially Sonic Hammer are way too powerful. Sonic Hammer has great damage, high accuracy, a good control effect, can be used at range, can be combined with a stacking damage effect, and it is given to a tough, high-AC Soldier. That is way too much. Also, the Discordant Engine ability seems pretty pointless, except as a means to make it easier to stun-lock the thing (which should not be a design priority at all).
All of the Gloaming Silence's attacks have too high of an attack bonus, and you keep referencing a condition (silenced) which does not exist. I think you may have given it a few too many abilities and the ability to inflict too many potent conditions too easily. Also, Grasping Silence only inflicts immobility, not your "silenced" condition, so how is it supposed to work with Steal Voice?
Finally, I have to question whether the powers of these two creatures are really antilogous. The concepts of noise and silence are opposites, but in practice the Discord simply makes its opponents deaf and is stronger against enemies who can't hear anything, so both are truly fueled by silence. There is something there, but I am not quite sure you have sold me on it.
I don't usually do this, but I need to point out the flaws of the names you gave these creatures. First, there is no such thing as a "magnatron". Instead, there are things called "magnetrons". However magnetrons don't create magnetic fields; they are mechanisms that emit microwave radiation. The average microwave oven is built around a magnetron. The word you were probably looking for is "electromagnet", but either word simply sounds too modern and scientific to fit within the average D&D world.
Also, the part of me that enjoyed studying physics in college (didn't ultimately get a physics degree though) wants to reach through my computer screen and strangle you. Pretty much nothing about the way those two creatures work seems magnetic to me. For one, magnets always have two poles, and there is nothing in this world that has just one magnetic pole (magnetic monopoles don't exist). Basically, magnetic fields are created when electric current loops, such that North is on the counter-clockwise side of the loop, and South is on the clockwise side of the loop. The way you describe your creatures, with negative or positive polarity, much more closely resembles basic electrostatic forces than it resembles magnetic forces, especially with all the random discharges of electricity. Either way, hovering around and shooting lightning that switches polarity isn't easily justified. Actually, lightning would really mess with either magnets or electrostatic charges (lightning is the act of two opposing electrostatic charges canceling each other out, after all). Also, if you really wanted to add to the magnetic flavor, you could have given the creatures a vulnerability to fire, since heat tends to de-magnetize iron or rare-earth magnets. Anyways, I apologize for being a stickler about all this stuff, but I really can't help it.
Unfortunately, while the physics-student side of me is done, the English major side of me is still a bit irked. Sorry to say it, but I am having a lot of trouble following your writing. You tend to have mildly long paragraphs that tend to wildly meander without a clear connection from one sentence to the next In the process, you use many sentences that are meant to sound pretty or profound, but mostly only serve to make your writing confusing and needlessly wordy. Never use a paragraph when a sentence will do. Keep the specific information you are trying to get across in mind at all times, and try to avoid writing anything that will distract from that information. Your formatting could be cleaner, too.
To get to the actual mechanics... I think you simply let things get too complicated. The polarity mechanics require a lot of bookkeeping, one of the golem's abilities (System Crash) breaks a 4E taboo and forces the DM to rewrite attack and defense stats mid-battle, and both creatures possess a number of abilities that seem unnecessary or convoluted (such as multiple auras of different sizes) or out of touch with the creature's concept (like Mental Rewire). Also, you make damage auras that are simply too large to even allow tactical movement, and you gave the Ooze a power (Magnetic Pulse) that inflicts a major effect on PCs without any attack roll (a roll vs. Fort or Reflex would have been perfectly appropriate). Giving any monster powers as strong as these can very easily break the game or lead to a brutal TPK.
I do think the idea of golems that have bound lightning elements and magnetic powers is a good one, and I even like some of the synergy between the two that you put in (even if I don't like the explicit buffing auras), but I think you would have been better off going with a more simple and straightforward approach.
As a final note, I wonder why the Ooze isn't an Animate, rather than a Beast...
First, I should mention some of the problems. You gave your creatures attack and damage numbers that are often too high. I think the Mage would have been better if it had fewer at-wills and more encounter and recharge abilities. I always dislike random effect powers, but yours can't even be cleanly determined with a die roll, unless you have a d7 for some reason. I think the Golem has too few attacks for an Elite. And I totally disagree that the Force and Psychic damage types are inherently opposing. However, these are just about the only problems I can think of. For the most part, I think your entry is fantastic. Well done.
I will admit I particularly like the very elegant way you fulfilled optional element 7 in a way that feels like a perfectly natural result of the concept. The "immortal animate (construct)" type is quite unique and is a perfect match for your golems. Your writing is nice and clear, and your statblock formatting is just as good. While some of the powers you chose could have been better, you gave each monster a clear and focused set of abilities that felt fairly appropriate and are easily understandable. Most of all, I like the idea that in the absence of a dedicated Plane of Dream, you can just use the Astral Sea for the same effect (you lose touch with that idea at times in your post, but it is still an idea I might borrow someday).
I like the idea of a pair of Fomorian twins (I have a twin myself, so I always like seeing twins in games), but some of the ideas you throw in without explanation seem a bit odd. The whole "one is big and dumb, the other is small, smart, and good at curses" thing seems like a really strange consequence of being twins who share a soul. So is the whole "they can't tell who is who when they touch" thing. The latter feels like a cheap justification to fit in another optional elements more than a natural consequence.
I think you spend a bit too much time and energy making off-hand comments to describe your idea of Fomorian society (one that doesn't always match up with the descriptions in the Monster Manual and the Manual of the Planes).
I like the ideas behind the powers you gave these guys, and I particularly like the effects and names of "Of One Mind" and "Of One Body", though I think the "must be adjacent to attacker" restriction on the latter is a bit unnecessary. Generally, I think you made the Cursespewer's powers too accurate and damaging, and the Bonegrinder's powers are not damaging enough. You seem to have left some odd reference to a warhorse in the Bonegrinder's Crush power. I like the job you did with their kind's defining "evil eye" powers. On the other hand, I think the Shared Soul property is as flawed mechanically as it is conceptually, since it relies on a vague "physical contact" trigger that is hard to determine in-game.
I do need to point out, though, that I have absolutely no idea what optional elements you were shooting for. You did element 1 pretty competently, you qualify for 9 (even if it isn't perfect), you obviously didn't go for 2, 3, 4, 5, or 7, and I doubt you are trying for 6, which just leaves 8 and 10. I guess I can see 8 in the Bonegrinder's Evil Eye power, but the Cursespewer is mostly about opening up combat advantage, which the Bonegrinder can't directly take advantage of (though I guess it always help an innacurate Brute). I definitely don't see element 10, though, so I will just say that you tried for 8 (it could have been more noticeable, but it could have been worse). Next time, at least list the numbers of the elements you are using.
This entry is short... I normally like brevity, but this one might be a bit too brief. You don't really sufficiently outline the relationship between the Maw and its Guardian, making the nature of their bond pretty much unintelligible. At the same time, you are using a few concepts that are starting to feel a bit stale at the point in the contest, such as a pair of a natural humanoid and a totally inhuman creature and a situation in which one creature has a power designed to strike its partner, which does no damage and allows the partner to make a bonus attack. These ideas are interesting the first time around, but not the third or fourth time.
I would recommend trying to at least emulate the way Monster Manual statblocks use bold text to break up the formatting and make it easier to read. I also would suggest that you avoid using long underscore lines to separate different pieces of text in the same line.
I rather like the kind of benefit you gave the Maw (that it gives to the Guardian) in order to fulfill optional element 1, but the benefit that the Guardian gives the Maw both adds to book-keeping (unstable bonuses always get annoying) and might be too powerful (+3 adds up to a lot).
Mechanically, your statblocks are riddled with errors that give them way too little damage, and nowhere near enough attacks for Elites, and in the midst of this you try to revive Line attacks. Elites are supposed to be imposing and impressive, but yours seem to be a pit on the meek side.
You are really living up to your username with the first half of this entry. I know this guy. It almost looks like you tried to copy its entire movelist from that game... I don't really have a problem with people taking large amounts of inspiration from specific sources like this, but I think you made a mistake in pairing a distinctive and nostalgia-inducing creature like the Whelk with something as bland and generic as an Elf Druid. If nothing else, it makes the Druid look like a mere add-on to the more interesting Whelk (which would almost work better as a Solo creature anyways).
I think the Whelk suffers quite a bit from being too similar to its FF6 counterpart. All the energy absorption, shell-withdrawing, and different elements it can absorb make it resemble the original in some ways, but in doing so you gave it too many abilities that don't make a lot of sense on their own, and you mess with certain aspects of the D&D monster system that are better left untouched (like monster healing surges). What is more, attempts to bring out the feel of fighting the FF6 Whelk are doomed simply because D&D doesn't emulate the way Final Fantasy games often break up bosses into multiple "parts", which is essential to the FF6 Whelk battle. It is better to use a much looser adaptation than what you did (maybe drop the multiple elements and withdrawing, and focus more on the eating lightning part?). Also, while you list the Whelk as a Soldier, it fights more like a tough Controller or something, with its large number of area attacks that inflict conditions. Your numbers are all quite good, though.
The numbers on the Elf Druid are also fine, though you forgot to drop the attack bonus for multi-target attacks, and you forgot to mention which attacks are basic. You also omitted the Wild Step elven racial ability. Other than that, though, it mostly seems to be a generic application of a class concept to a normal race. You format is good and it works, but it doesn't really capture the imagination or seem like a natural pairing with the Whelk.
Some of your optional elements seem a bit forced. It seems like you gave the Whelk a burrow speed just to satisfy an optional element, and as I said above the pairing of a Whelk and an Elf Druid just doesn't make a lot of sense.
Still, other than a few grammatical mistakes (missing punctuation) and such, and maybe the fact that you are a bit too brief with your descriptions, your writing is clear and easily understood, and your statblock formatting is nice and clear.
It might not be fair, but it is nonetheless true that CorrinAvatan both did the "dream enemy from the Astral Sea" idea better than you and posted his two days before yours. That ended up hurting you quite a bit.
Anyways, I will admit that I cringe every time someone starts any piece of writing with either a Shakespeare quote or a quote from the Bible. Aside from the fact that such quotes are meaningless out of context, it usually means that I am in for a lengthy piece of writing that doesn't go anywhere, and this case was no exception. You used a lot of words to say very little. In fact, for all the writing you did, you completely failed to clearly state how it is possible to actually get rid of a Lucid Dream infestation. You might be better served just getting to the point and focusing on relating the most important details. Or, if you really want to establish mood and give something character, go the totally opposite direction and turn it into something of a story which actually relates the tale of how some poor peasants were harassed by these monsters. You need to do more than just throw out a lot of flowery description in order to make something enjoyable to read.
The numbers on your creatures look good, but I think their powers are a mixed bag. The Dreamscape aura seems like it could turn the entire battlefield into a mess, and not in a fun way. I know that characters can only attack the creature closest to them within the Dreamscape, but does it totally block perception of other creatures? Since you say "line of sight", can it be defeated by blindsight, tremorsense, or a good Perception check based on sound? It seems like it would really mess with questions of metagame knowledge, particularly related to tactical movement... It just seems too unclear and potentially damaging to the game. On the other hand, I actually like the Waking Nightmare's Encircling Nightmares power, since it is both rather clear and quite creative and flavorful. I can't say that I like the fact that you let the waking Nightmare use its basic attack as an at-will minor action, though, especially since it is a rather strong basic attack...
As for optional elements, I am rather dissapointed. Elements 1 and 8 work well for you, but 2 and 7 are clearly a bit forced. The Lucid Dream does little to make it seem like a truly "good" creature, and the fact that the Lucid Dream and Waking Nightmare are at all different in Type and Origin seems bizarre to me, considering that they are made of the same dream-stuff and one can create or become the other. Also, you really wandered into the gray area for number 10, since I am having a tough time really agreeing that the powers of the two creatures are so opposing, especially since they can easily overlap (and are designed to do so).
While you say that a DM can never have enough Yuan-Ti, I'm not really a fan of them. I never really got the appeal. Not that this affects my opinion of your entry...
You know, if you wanted these creatures to fit in better with other Snaketongue enemies or other Yuan-Ti Abominations, you should have made them a lot lower level. Yuan-ti are predominately Paragon-tier foes, and your Abominable King is almost ten levels higher than its MM predecessor. The High Priest would almost be impossible to use alongside his fellows, who cap out at levels 11 or 12.
You present all of the relevant information quite well. The dotted lines and colors in the statblocks were not really necessary, but they don't exactly hurt so I can't really complain. Overall, your presentation is clear and succinct, which is rather refreshing.
I think your stats are riddled with minor errors and some poor choices. For one, it seems a bit strange that, while Abominations are Soldiers built around marking and grabbing, you made an Abominable King into a Controller. You certainly made excessive use of powers that have secondary attacks or conditions with aftereffects (one or two is fine, but not that many). I particularly don't like the fact that the King's basic melee attack, which is also used in its burst attack, happens to have a secondary attack. It would be fine if such an attack were an at-will, but it gets to be a bit much when even the basic attack is complicated. As for the High Priest, while you list it as an Artillery monster, it doesn't really seem like one (melee damage is too high, too much emphasis on control). I also don't like its Serpent Form power.
As for your optional elements... I am having a little trouble seeing how their abilities are complimentary. Sure, they both focus on stunning, dazing, and dealing ongoing damage, but that means they are similar to each other, which that optional element explicitly says should not be the case. Also, there is no way I will buy the claim that charm and psychic effects are innately opposed to each other.
Alright, I will admit that this entry just seems weird to me. First, the tradition for fantasy settings is that people transfer souls into golem bodies, not brains (that is more of a sci-fi thing). Second, I don't get why the mother's lightning abilities are the key to keeping her golem-child alive. Given that this is the gimmick, though, I really have no idea why Tanu is some kind of super lightning golem, and that the two risk killing each other when they touch. Also, your style of writing comes across as messy since you throw out random bits of unnecessary detail even though it is otherwise an excessively brief summary of a complicated story, and you even don't really explain some things to the point where they are comprehensible.
Mechanically, Laloca is pretty good, other than the fact that you forgot to lower the attack bonus of her multi-target powers and your damage values are a bit mixed up (you lean towards doing too much damage with at-wills and not enough with her recharge power). Also, she relies too much on standard actions to do everything, and her electric slide power doesn't make much sense.
Tanu's defenses are a bit low, and I don't like his low-accuracy controllerish fighting style that focuses on grabbing everything without limit. He could theoretically have an entire team of PCs grabbed, which conjures up strange mental images. Maybe you should have considered using the immobilized condition instead. I will say, though, that Short Circuit is probably the best power I have yet seen for fulfilling optional element 9, even if it seems a bit odd for the story you gave these creatures.
Speaking of optional elements, I don't like your version of element 1 simply because Electric Slide seems too unjustifiable for me. Element 7 only works because you made Laloca an Eladrin, which clearly is not essential to the character because of your conversion notes. Element 8 works well enough, though you could have given Laloca more area or close attacks that might hit Tanu and trigger Superconductor (though that is certainly a stale kind of power combination at this point in the contest). Element 9 has a great mechanical implementation, but poor justification, as I mentioned above.
Thanks for the comments TwinBahamut, that should help a lot for my next attempts to create more monsters
Glad you consider them a fun random encounter, that was pretty much what I was going for.
I guess it kinda shows that I've only played a few sessions of 4e so far then; it was pretty hard to get the right kind of formulas and to write down the monsters properly. I didn't even know they scrapped the Plane of Earth
Ah well! Lets just hope the next competition is less rules heavy... I'll definately be entering again; this is fun! :D
Thanks for the competition, and congratulations to the winners! I must say I really reading loved some of the entries.
Epic Dungeon Master
Want to give your players a kingdom of their own? I made a 4e rule system to make it happen!
I agree completely in regards to "silenced" not being a condition. Its place in my entry is a remnant of me thinking it still was one.
In other instances, I replaced it with: "the target cannot speak, shout, or otherwise make vocalizations (save ends)" which is more in line with some of the crazy effects monsters sometimes apply (that aren't in themselves a condition).
In regards to the cult, I'm guessing you don't have DnDi? The Mual-tar article talked a bit about primordial cults, and for a primordial cult to be able to operate openly (as my entry did) the implicit assumption was that they're "kinda a big deal".
I'll continue to work on clarity issues as well.
Edit: Note to self -- make next entry about dreams.
Editedit: Ah, crap. I already did that in the "Create a Cult!" competition.
If you look past the plot and the voice acting, Metroid: Other M was an okay game. Not a great game, but an adequate one.
Not using the Metroid item collect jingle though? That, was a mistake.
I admit, entering the Whelk was a last minute idea. I had nothing in my head to use, and I flipped through stuff I was statting for a campaign and hit my entry, since my player's were preparing to face a whelk. The druid literally was just tacked on to fill out the requirements.
Probably not the best way to make an entry, but I wanted to make one, and it was the only custom creature I have at the moment that leant itself to this. (and I have a greater whelk solo sitting in my papers.)
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I'm away from home at the moment, and my comments are sitting there on my desktop. I'll edit this entry with those comments when I get back there tomorrow night.
For now, I just want to say this:
Stats were the first thing I looked at when I graded this comp. Variation of a point either way on defenses and so on is understandable, especially if the entry gives a reason for the change, but by far the biggest point hits anyone took on my grading sheet were for screwy stats. I found entries that added Con to hp 3 times, entries that forgot to add the Elite "defense bumps", and entries that chose attack bonuses seemingly at random. There was literally one single entry that actually used the exact numbers given by the DMG stat formula.
If you're unsure on the math, use a monster builder. The WotC DDI one is a choice, but it doesn't have Elite/Solo settings. When I design monsters (and when I judged this contest), I plug stats into the excellent Monster Maker from Asmor.com.
Bring Gleemax Back. Even as a failure, it was better than this. http://community.wizards.com/durdur
Firstly, I would like to congratulate the Furion Thamior on his (her? my apologies if I get it wrong) victory, and I'd like to thank the judges for their hard work.
Having said that, I wanted to specifically address a few of the points TwinBahamut brought up regarding my entry:
1) Looking back I do seem to have made some mathematical errors, but the Dream Eater's "Something Wicked This Way Comes" is definately supposed to be 1d6+8 damage. I intended it to be a melee monster who only uses the ranged attack when immobilized or slowed, for example. He's also supposed to be trained in Stealth, to compliment his bonus damage with combat advantage.
2) The Mystic's "Mind over Matter" ability gave me a lot of trouble trying to make it simple and readable. If I were to do it again, I'd probably make it four separate stances that shared a recharge. (And yes, his basic attack should do at least 2d6+8, it looks like I copy/pasted from an older version by accident).
3) As far as the thematic connection goes you're definately right. I had these two monster built in prototype form for my own home game and retooled them for this competition, and I didn't do as smooth a job of working the monster out as I might have.
Now that the competition is done, I'll edit my post soon with some minor fixes and changes just in case anyone wants to use the monsters.
Wow! What a surprise! I've never entered one of these before, so I didn't even expect to place - especially in the company of such creativity.
As someone who is a newcomer to these competitions but a longtime lurker on these boards, my ideas don't often get put under scrutiny -- so I really appreciate your comments TwinBahamut. You really nailed a few of the areas I was unsure about with my design. It makes for some tough criticism, but definitely not unwelcome!
I look forward to hearing more from the other judges, and participating more in these events =) Thanks!
I'm away from home at the moment, and my comments are sitting there on my desktop. I'll edit this entry with those comments when I get back there tomorrow night.
For now, I just want to say this:
Stats were the first thing I looked at when I graded this comp. Variation of a point either way on defenses and so on is understandable, especially if the entry gives a reason for the change, but by far the biggest point hits anyone took on my grading sheet were for screwy stats. I found entries that added Con to hp 3 times, entries that forgot to add the Elite "defense bumps", and entries that chose attack bonuses seemingly at random. There was literally one single entry that actually used the exact numbers given by the DMG stat formula.
If you're unsure on the math, use a monster builder. The WotC DDI one is a choice, but it doesn't have Elite/Solo settings. When I design monsters (and when I judged this contest), I plug stats into the excellent Monster Maker from Asmor.com.
Huh... Good to know that at least one of the judges was getting really specific about all this. I'll admit that I stopped caring about HP values pretty early on simply because I had enough to worry about with the rest of the entries. I did pay attention to attack scores and defenses (I mostly ended up just taking a few points away from everyone regarding those), but I put more focus on how the monsters' powers worked, the basic conceptual idea behind the monsters, and how those two things worked together.
It almost looks like you tried to copy its entire movelist from that game... I don't really have a problem with people taking large amounts of inspiration from specific sources like this, but I think you made a mistake in pairing a distinctive and nostalgia-inducing creature like the Whelk with something as bland and generic as an Elf Druid. If nothing else, it makes the Druid look like a mere add-on to the more interesting Whelk (which would almost work better as a Solo creature anyways).
