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I was writing up bad examples of play from my games and it sort of took off....A LOT of these are true sadly or from in game conversation.

From Captain Jarlot, Pirate at arms....

Activities that the Crew of the Airship Forgotten Freedom are Forbidden from engaging in

1. Do not attempt to rub nair over the shifter first mate while she is asleep.

2. Do not taunt Cardinal Krozen about his inability to capture/kill the Crew. It's not bad, just tacky.

3. Do not taunt the The Lords of Dust about their inability to capture the Crew. It really should be bad, but it's not. Still tacky.

4. Do not taunt Queen Aurala about her inability to capture the Crew. Otherwise she'll stamp her foot and pout.

5. Do not shoot the villain while he's monologuing, no matter how long he takes.

6. There will be NO referring to King Kaius as Mein Furher or goosestepping to his orders.

7. Even if he speaks in a thick German accent.

8. Even if the secret service wears jack boots.

9. Even if they're seeking the Ark.

10. ALRIGHT, THEY'RE NAZIS...SWEET TIRA MIRRON.

11. The Captain forbids the Elf from referring to Tira Mirron as a "Great Lay", "The Feisty Wench", and "The Naughty Girl who liked to lick."

12. The crew will not attempt to make the Paladin break his vows.

13. The crew will not point out the Paladin has already done so by being on a Pirate ship.

14. The crew will not use the Forgotten Freedom to buzz dinosaurs.

15. No matter how cool they look when they scamper.

16. ESPECIALLY NOT during halfling festival days.

17. The Lord of Blades does not need to see the Wizard for a heart.

18. He does not need oiling when it rains, nor is this an effective battle strategy against him.

19. Nor does he need a diploma, medal, or any combination of these things.

20. The Lord of Blades is not to be referred to as "Skippy"

21. Nor is Pontiff Jaela

22. Even if she skips alot.

23. Queen Aurala is not the Wicked Witch of the West

24. Even if she is a witch and lives in the West and is of dubious morality.

25. Throwing water on her is not a means of "Undoing her wickedness"

26. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Lolita"

27. Nor will she be referred to as "Major Hot Babe when she grows up."

28. ...even if she will be.

29. Erandis D'Vol cannot be stopped by dropping a House on her.

30. Nor can Queen Aurala.

31. King Boranal will not be invited to Frat Keggers or Orgies with Changeling Girls.

32. Even if he's game.

33. King Kaius is not the last boss in the Castlevania series.

34. Nor is his mortal enemy Simon Belmont.

35. It is wrong to cast magic mouth spells to play "The Phantom of the Opera" when he enters the room.

36. Or eat garlic pizza before talking to him.

37. Or hold up mirrors behind him while mouthing the word "Vampire."

38. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as Glinda.

39. You cannot summon a Rajah by saying 'Hastur' three times.

40. Or a Daelkyr by saying "Candyman" into a mirror.

41. Dolgrim's do not have one head that always lies and one that always tells the truth.

42. The Aerenal elves will not be referred to as "The creepy Goth elves."

43. Nor are the Deathless described as "Undead who all dress like they're in a 70s glam rock band."

44. We will not rob the Lightning Rail wearing scarves on our faces.

45. If we do, we won't claim to be trying to conduct a Time Travel experiment.

46. Even if we are.

47. Valenar Elves are not to be called "Romulans"

48. You will not compare a Valenar Elves' performance to Legolas

49. Even if Legolas could do it much better.

50. I am the reincarnation of King Jarlot, none of you are.

51. I will not attempt to restart the Great War for "kicks"

52. Dwarves will not be referred to as "The Swiss."

53. Even if they have fine chocolate and good cheezes.

54. No, it is a rumor you can conquer Aundair by simply walking into it.

55. It is wrong to use Ventriloquism to predict the end of the world in a cathedral in Thrane.

56. The Quori are not to be referred to as "The Q" or are their activities from "The Q Continium."

57. The changeling is forbidden from deliberately appearing as Earth celebrities she has no idea exist.

58. Darguun are not to be called "Klingons."

59. Even if they have swords suspiciously similiar to them.

60. Riedra is not Japan or China or any other Oriental culture, so I cannot go there to spot me some Asian Chicks.

61. The Monk will also not use the word "WO PAW!" after every strike.

62. Shifters cannot be Catgirls.

63. Or Foxgirls.

64. OR BUNNY GIRLS.

65. Even if they were I could not make a mansion of them and sell their pictorials.

66. When conducting robberies, I will not give wedgies to Dragonshard house nobles because they 'richly deserve it.'

67. Merrix D'Cannith is not to be referred to as "Lex Luthor, greatest crimminal mastermind inventor of the 11th century!"

68. Even if he's bald, an inventor, and a supervillain.

69. Q'barra is not the home of voodoo, plantations, or good cajun cooking.

70. Kobolds are not to be called "Spot", "Fido", or "Rover"

71. Nor will you attempt to teach them 'tricks'

72. Kobolds do not speak in an accent similiar to Ren nor do they say things like "It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!"

73. There will be no characters accepted who are Lysander Bugbear pilots named Baloo.

74. Nor will lovable kid sidekicks named Cloudkicker with Tenser Floating Disks.

75. You will not refer to a wand of fireballs as your "Boom Stick"

76. The Mockery is not your Copilot.

77. Nor the Traveller.

78. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as the "Virgin Queen" in a derogitory manner.

79. Any rumors that such a name is inappropriate because of me is to be squashed.

80. Halflings of Clan Boramar are not to speak like they're Italian or in the Godfather.

81. Nor is Joe Peschi a Halfling.

82. Even if he claims so.

83. You cannot play four Turtle Ninja Shifters.

84. It is wrong to refer to King Boranal's daughter as a fine piece of ***

85. Even if she is.

86. I will not attempt to turn the Forgotten Freedom into a Pimp Mobile

87. The Gods of Eberron do not fail to appear on the earthly plane because I am "THAT" badass...

88. Kalashatyr are not to be referred to as the Tokra.

89. Nor the Quori as G'ould.

90. We are not the Crew of Firefly.

91. Nor Blake's 7.

92. Even if an Alliance is Chasing us.

93. I am to be referred to as Captain Jarlot not "Jack Sparrow" or "Keith Richards"

94. Even if there's a frightening resemblance sometimes.

95. Xen'drick is not to be referred to as "The land of stereotyped minorities brought to light by the glories of colonialism."

96. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Ruri" or "Rei Ayanami"

97. No, you cannot wear the pope hat.

98. Even if she lets you.

99. It is wrong to attempt to make the Lord of Blades sing "Daisy"

100. He is not to be referred to as R.O.B.B.I.E or any other warforged.

101. No, I cannot stencil in a Dragonmark for powers.

102. Especially not the Dragonmark of Death

Feel free to add in other activities you can think of. It's best to head this party off before they can think of something else!

.Thanks, here's some more that are mostly true

104. Repeat after me, I did not cause the Day of Mourning.

105. I am not Batman

106. The Demon Wastes will not be referred to as "Athas"

107. A Mel Gibson look alike is not driving around The Mournland in a V8.

108. What most Mourners do not need is "A good slap"

109. Sieg Heil is not the correct manner of greeting King Kaius.

110. Being a pirate does not make me the ultimate enemy of Ninjas.

111. Being a pirate does not make Boo Radely our King or the Mockingbird something we must figure out how to kill.

112. The proper response to a defeated foe offering surrender is not

"ALL YOUR BASE, ARE BELONG TO US!"

113. Or

"YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO DESTRUCTION!"
"HAHAHAHAHA."

114. Even if I laugh like hell.

115. There is not a secret plot to combine Dark Sun and the Council of Wyrms and the Flanaes into one setting on Eberron to save money.

116. Even if they did it with Forgotten Realms

117. You shall not argue the merits of the attractive paladin turning tricks "for the good of the party."

118. Bards are not to be shot on sight for being worthless.

119. Nor shall Gnomes.

120. The Gnomes of Zilargo are not the cast from Cruel Intentions and every soap opera in history.

121. People from the Eldeen Reaches do not have Plaid outfits and talk like Hillbillies.

122. I will not make "You might be from the Eldeen Reaches" lists.

123. Making only the Orcs like this is not a substitute.

124. The Aurrum are not led by Blofeld.

125. Or Doctor Evil.

126. Austin Powers is not a member of the King's Citadel.

127. James Bond is.

128. I will never under ANY circumstances shout "My name is Indigo Montoya, You killed my father. Prepare to die"

129. Even if they did.

130. You will not try and hum the 2001 theme when encountering Quori monoliths.

131. Boris and Natasha do not work for Karrnath.

132. King Kaius is not to be referred to as "Fearless Leader"

133. Moose and Squirrel are not good codenames for the party when doing undercover work against them.

134. The Wardens of the Forrest are not to be referred to as the Harpers.

135. Nor are they lead by Elminster.

136. I will not when meeting Kalashatyr shout "Wait, I've met you before in the ancient civilization of the Giants in a previous life. Yes, ATLANTIS!"

137. Even if I did.

138. I will not attempt to rescue party members from the Realm of the Dead by saying to the Maruts "You know a guy thirty miles away is trying to sneek a way a soul. He's invisible so look really for an hour."

139. If the condition for releasing a party member is not to look back at them. Do not simply stick your hands behind your head to block your vision and claim it works.

140. You are not in 8-bit nor is "Haddokken" or "Stabbity death" a answer for anything.

141. I will not build a spelljammer to surf on the Ring of Siberys.

142. I will not use Khyber shards to summon Elvis.

143. Warforged are not to be my butlers.

144. The Chamber is not to be called "The Dragonati"

145. Rakashasas are not members of the Masons or effette British Indian Colonialists.

146. Sharn is not "New York only more flying carpets"

147. The Gatekeepers are not an anime about communist fears of Japan.

148. The proper battle cry for a female moonspeaker is not "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH YOU!"

149. Even if you are a SAILOR Moonspeaker

150. House Cannith is not Shin-ra nor is it possible to find Aeris selling flowers in Sharn.

151. Being from Karrnath is not reason enough to wear a German barmaid's outfit.

152. Especially if you are a man.

153. As a child, Queen Aurala did not have a gingerbread house that she lured you to try and eat you.

154. If she does own a magic mirror, it's not to scry the land so she can put to sleep girls who are more attractive than her or lock them in towers.

155. You will not shout "my ass" when talk of her benevolent rule is spoken.

156. The Thrane Royal Family will not be referred to as "the most useless monarchy since Britains."

157. Even if one of you happens to be a subject of the Queen of England (and Canada)

158. Merrix D'Cannith is not building a giant *fingerwag* laser on one of the moons.

159. You will not pretend to be Boranal's bastard son.

160. Even if it's 50-50 likely.

161. You will not try and use the Silver Flame to roast marshmellows.

162. Or weenies.

163. You will not ask if you can put a rotessary over it.

164. BBQ over it does not taste better because of that 'spiritual goodness.'

165. I will not claim to have had sex with Dol Arrah

166. Or Arawai.

167. Or the Fury

168. Especially not at once.

167. Elves do not react to dog whistles.

168. Kobolds do.

169. Erandis D'Vol is not "Vecna's teenage Goth daughter."

170. No I cannot import kender via the Plane of Shadows to leave a mark of fear and terrror across the land.

171. Five warforged cannot join together with five magic medallions to become Voltron.

172. It is wrong to tell warforged this.

173. The Blood of Vol did not get started by the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

174. Breland's Collosus of Freedom does not have "Give me your rich, your pretty, and your gulliable" on her tablet.

175. The airship's mechanic shall not be referred to as "Cid"

176. Dragonshards will not be referred to as "Materia"

177. Or Mana.

178. You will not hum the Legend of Zelda theme while walking

179. It is not a compliment to toss catnip on shifters and watch them trip out.

180. Argonessan is not Australia, I don't know where you got the idea and all dragons do not suddenly talk like the Crocodile Hunter.

181. Jedi is not an acceptable prestige class because all things can be found in Eberron.

182. Nor can you refer to the bugbear as Chewie.

183. Cyre will not mutate superintelligent apes and they will eventually replace us all so we might as well blow the planet now.

184. The Emerald Claw is a frightening group of terrorists and undead worshippers, they are not to be judged by the fact their name sounds like a strip club or oriental restaurant.

185. When the Quori view my dreams I cannot imagine them stomped on by Godzilla to kill them.

186. The Tarrasque is not Godzilla...IN ANY WORLD.

187. Bone Knights should not be challenged by saying "You get a real boner for combat huh?"

188. the proper response for a mysterious NPC giving a mission is to not spit whiskey on them and then set them on fire.

189. Booty from treasure hunts will not be referred to as "bling bling."

190. When we see a distress signal we do not say "F*** that! We're taking this boat to Risa."

191. It's wrong to capture Dinosaurs and try to open a park on some island near Xen'drick.

192. The proper response when meeting the son of Queen Aurala is not to say "You know your mom's a real **** right?"

193. If Queen Aurala is ever successfully kidnapped, you will not try her for witchcraft by putting a fake nose on her and weighing her against a duck.

194. Jaela's birthday six years from now will not be a cause for celebration because she turns 'legal'

195. You will not beat the crazzap out of Royal Eyes members on principle.

196. Or causally announce their status as spies in crowded marketplaces.

197. Putting up your cloak in blood daylight does not add +1 to your Hide/Sneak check.

198. The Day of Mourning did not result in mass mutations that created the Eberron version of the X-men

199. Or the Incredible Hulk.

200. You will not pistol whip Prince Jurian.

201. Unless I order you too.

202. Queen Aurala is not even a Magic user! Why the hell do you keep making the Witch jokes!?

201. Prince Oargev's name is not a euphemism for his sexual leanings.

202. Cyre was not Naboo nor was the Day of Mourning righteous revenge for the Prequels.

203. The Daughters of Sora Kell are not a Lilith Fair band.

204. You will not ask any Rakashasa Prince to endorse frosted flakes by saying "They'reee GREAAAAAT!"

Twinblades]:D

I've read a lot of "humour" threads on these boards, but that's the first one that's genuinely made me LOL!

(Which isn't necessarily a good thing as I'm reading it at work and now people are looking at me funny...)

Keep up the good work!!

Same here! Can i copy this and give my players before the g wrote:

Eronthar]Same here! Can i copy this and give my players before the game? :D

Go ahead.

I hope people will add to it.

I personally am not hardly done with the misadventures of the Cap'n and his crew.

205. You may shorten my rank to Cap'n, however my surname is Jarlot, not "Crunch"

for example

wrote:

All the stuff on this list is based on or inspired by things that my players have actually done. Scary, innit?



208. You will not build a stepladder into the Warforged.

209. Or a bucket seat.

210. Or an umbrella.

211. The Warforged is not a nutcracker.

212. Nor can he light fires by snapping his fingers.

213. You will not refer to Esravash as “that old windbag”

214. The Warforged will not be referred to as “Johnny 5.”

215. The Artificer will not be referred to as “Macguyver” unless that is his name.

216. You may not name an Artificer “Macguyver.”

217. You are not Indiana Jones, this is not the Temple of Doom.

218. Even if is looks like it.

219. You will not randomly push people off bridges in Sharn “to see if gravity still works.”

220. You are not Korben Dallas.

221. You are not named Gar ir’Baldi, and you are not the security chief of Argonth 5.

222. …though that’s not a bad idea for a campaign.

223. Aerenal Elves are not to be referred to as “Hot Topic Elves”

224. You will not greet Valenar Elves by yelling “Ya Hya Chouhada!”

225. Valenar Elves do not speak with a bad Middle Eastern accent.

226. …or “praise allah.”

227. You may not be the gnomish bard who invented the saxophone.

228. There is no football stadium in Sharn, and Sharn’s team does not have Juggernaught linemen.

229. Your Boots of Striding and Springing do not have the “swoosh” logo on them.

230. Dragons are not Vorlons.

231. Daelkyr are not Shadows.

232. The Tarrasque will not be reffered to as “Mr. T.”

233. Mr. T. will not be imitated under any circumstances.

234. Nor will MC Hammer.

235. Or Michael Jackson.

236. Singing “Thriller” or “Living Dead Girl” in the company of Aerenal Elves is not acceptable.

237. The Changeling will not use the Warforged to break his fall.

238. Your Shifter was not an original cast member of “CATS”

239. Your Bard’s name is not Idina, Maureen, Elphaba, or Aida.

240. King Boranel will not be referred to as “gramps.”

241. You will not carry a largeish bath towel and a book that you claim contains all the information you need to survive out there.

242. You will not shoot down the Giant Owl and Gargoyle members of Sharn’s postal service.

243. Good Warforged are not Autobots, evil ones are not Decepticons.

244. Warforged Druids are not Maximals or Predacons, for that matter.

245. You will not, under any circumstance, use the word “kender.”

246. You are not allowed to refer to Warforged as “Cylons.”

247. You are not allowed to pick fights with the leaders of major religions.

248. You are not allowed to hit on them either.

249. …especially if doing so would violate Thranish age of consent laws.

250. That wand is not your pimp stick, and please take off that stupid hat.