103. [To enemy spellcaster:] I bet that's not the only wand/staff that you have trouble impressing with...
104. Blast! You do realize that because you're so hopeless...this means that I won't be scoring any hazard pay!
105. You were a wizard that got killed by a housecat in a previous edition, weren't you?...
106. You must be REALLY glad that there aren't any bards around....hmmm, come to think of it...I am really glad that there aren't any bards around. Wouldn't want them singing tales about how we defeated you and all of your lame-***** friends...
107. Today may be a good day to die...but it certainly won't be because of you...
108. I'm reasonably certain that your last attack wouldn't have even harmed the squishy members of my party...how sad is it when the wizard is laughing at your feeble attempts?
109. "Come! Show me what passes for fury amongst your misbegotten kind!"
Particularly useful as a Paladin taunt, especially if s/he's the overzealous type.
Here's a couple of religion taunts. If you think up some, follow mine up!
110. Your god came to me in a dream last night. He said you wet the bed!
111. By looking at your face, I can tell your god is a humorous one!
112. I can tell you worship the god of queers by how you swing your sword with a limp wrist!
113. (Follow-Up) I bet he thinks you're *faaaabulous!*
114. I come bearing a message from your Creator. It reads "Fight like a man, you pansy!"
115. Your death was pre-ordained in some un-pronounceable and obscure, ancient text. To save myself time and a migraine, I will simply sum up: "You are going to die!"
116. Our warlock used the good ol' "Natural 1 finger salute" once.
117. In response to any of the above: *yawn* "I guess it's true what they say...those who can't, taunt."
118: Now that I've seen your face I can see why your mother loved me best.
119: Crawl on back home to your mama, and tell her I'm hungry.
120: Was that a fly that just landed on me? Get it off! Get it off!
121: This might be fairer if there were three of you.
122: Buck up kid, maybe you'll come back as a vampire and be a challenge.
123: Neat move, do you think it would hit if I tried it?
124: Looks like I'm going to have to exaggerate my accomplishments again this week.
125: Hey, let's make this sporting. I'll give you my weapon.
126: Know why I believe in magic? It's the only way you could have survived to adulthood.
127: Your fighting style is lamer than a glue factory horse.
128: How about we have a break so I can teach you how to fight, then we finish this?
129 "Your mother was a toaster, and your father smelled of axle grease!"
I use to yell this at the machines at my old place of work when they would break down. We didn't have war-forged yet then...
130. I shall rip your hide from your dying flesh, stretch it over my drum, and upon it I shall beat out the death-song of your entire tribe!
(I worked this one up for a barbarian character of mine, but the campaign died before I could use it)
131: maby if you sneeze at me I might catch a cold.
132: wait, stop, your fighting like you got a load in your trousers, go use a bush and we can get back to it after you wipe.
133: what spell was that distration by stupidity?
134 you can tell me, are you the mascot of your group?
My dm used this on when we took on Ctenmiir the Cursed (open grave 202) and he crit our ranger with Thunder Smite
135) You've been...Thunderstruck
I haven't read through the topic, sorry if I accidentally repeat someone...
136) [to an orc] You fight like an elf!
137) [to an orc] Nice warcry! Elves teach it to ya?
138) You've done all that? Well I deactivated a trap with my ****!
139) Your mom didn't say that last night!
140) You suck Mr. Prissypants!
141) Against Sahuagin: "Mmmmm..... sushi..."
142) Wielding a trident from a previous Sahuagin encounter:
*makes eating motions, using the trident as a large fork*
144. "I've fought mudcrabs more fierce than you!"
145. "Now's the part where you fall down and bleed to death!"
146. "Why... Won't... You... Die!?"
Ah, Oblivion. Such humorous voice acting.
"Oh, you were trying to hit me? I thought you hated the air!"
"Thanks for the nice breeze; it was getting a bit stuffy in here."
"Oh, sorry, did I block that?"
#150. Uoooohhh!! You handle very well that *big* *heavy* mace...done some practice huh?
#151. Fighting with you is like listening to our bard's songs (funny if you have a bard in the party)
#152. (talking firstly in a very serious way) W...wha...sorry, i'm really sorry, i didn't realize you were just a lass.
#153. You smell like a lich's rotten ass.
#154. Come on, come on, you can do it, you can, yes you caaaan!!! (and after, when *SBAAAM* you knock down the opponent) uuuuops, no, you can't.
#155. Do you mind if in the meantime i read something?
#156. You're a real good dancer "madame" (to a male guy).
#157. Several geography books tell that there are mountains, plains, swamps, hills, deserts, seas, islands, forests, lakes, rivers....and you must annoy somebody HERE? Pffffff...
#158. Mage hand + Sharpie marker + opponent's face "There, much nicer!"
#159. Dragonborn to allies: "Check out those stat blocks, and pass the ketchup!"
#160. Female pyromancer: "If ya can't take the heat, stay outta the kitchen!"
#161. To CHA Paladin: "Aww, does the widdle pwetty-boy need the Wizard to help him carry his gear? ...Utterly disgraceful."
#162. "Would you like me to pretend I'm weakened, or shall I go easy on you?"
#163. "I'd say 'Yo momma's so ugly'...but that would be a compliment."
#164. "I think you could actually kill me. You're so pathetic, I'll die laughing!"
#165. Ranger: "I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back!"
166. What SICK man sends babies to fight me?
167. Run, cowards!
168. SO MUCH BLOOD!
169. CRY SOME MORE!
170. NOW IS COWARD KILLING TIME!
I have a Warforged Fighter that I play that can say a few things in other languages - but doesn't know what they mean. Just things he was taught to say when fighting specific races.
My favorite - when fighting orcs
171: Your mother is a pretty elf!
I've copied almost all of these into a Word document. Now I'm debating if I should go through, pick the 100 best ones and make a chart. During combat I can roll a D% to see which insult I use.
172.A frog could do more damage than you!
173.I read all about what a wuss you are!
174.(While reading a book of math)this is more interesting than you are.
175.Maybe if I dunked in chocolate you might be better at thinking.
176. impressive. i have to meet the wizard who made you. because if i wouldnt see it with my own eyes, i would never believe its even possible to make crap golems.
177. is your fighting really that bad or are you just dazzled by your own stink?
178. (following) seriously... not all the treasure in the world would get me to touch that corpse of yours, when im finished with you.
179. (To a mounted rider) "I thought the **** went on the BOTTOM of the horse."
180. "Oh, sorry. I WANT to be threatened, it's just... my sword is so much BIGGER."
181. "After looking at you, I've forgotten where babies come from."
182. "From the looks of it, you've brought the lemonade... allow ME to bring the PUNCH."
183. "Quit swinging that thing around. You might hurt someone."
184. "You do realise I'm actually left handed, don't you?"
185. "I iz in Ur Base an Iz Killin U guys. LoLololololol 11!!11! LMAO n00b"
186: "You do know how that thing works, right? You hit me with the sharp side."
187: "No, no. See, magic is like this." - *Casts Elemental Maw* - "See, now what YOU were doing is called 'fireworks'"
188: "I seem to have wasted my money on this armor..."
189: "hahahahah Breath Weapon? It's 'Breath.' That's it. Don't humiliate weapons and lump it in with them" - once used by my Tiefling Hellock against a young Red Dragon.
190.(done while fighting)burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp(while burping you still fight fairly well against opponents)
191. Your skills are everything I expected them to be, and believe me that's not a complement.
192. When the poets sing of this battle, they will praise my prowess with hundreds of stanzas, while you will not merit even a footnote.
193. I always wondered if people with big swords had to compensate for something. Now I'm positively sure!
194. Ah, so you are what comes out when you cross breed a mule and a pig.
195. I have seen more controlled attacks in a drunken bar brawl!
196. There is no 'eye' in team. That doesn't mean you shouldn't use yours..
(and a quick Monty Python reference)
197. Ah, so this has to be the fabled
198. Your skull would make an excellent belt buckle.
199. (Scorpion Voice) GET OVER HERE!
200. Show me your moves!
201. You fight like a cow!
202. *in response to the above* How appropriate, you fight like a dairy farmer.
203. (Cleric) "Have you given any thought to the afterlife?"
204. "Dangit, I bet the rogue 10 gold that he couldn't kill your friend before you managed to hit me. Oh well, I'll just take it off your corpse."
205. "You know what? This really isn't doing anything for me. How 'bout you re-roll initiative and we'll start over."
207. (you are facing away then turn around) OK, now massage my chest
So... one of our players lost his character last week, and he rolled a male Elf. Hes been having some trouble adjusting with the rest of the party...
209 - Orc drops the Elf prone. Human Fighter to the Orc: " Hey... you know thats a guy, right?"
210 - Elf getting attacked.... "Stop picking on our women!"
216.insult the monster in song in a language that it understands(preferably in a tune that the monster finds insulting of course)
From actual play: My warlock character, cursing a halfling sniper...
217. "I'm gonna cut you in two and make me a pair of quarterlings!"
218.(responding to the above)then I'll cut you into eighthlings in turn!
219. No, no, no. Do it like this. (turn to other enemy and cut him down.)
220. My women aren't lamenting. At this point, they're just laughing.
221. I've seen dead things fight better than you! (don't mention they were death knights.)
222. I'm sorry, were you casting a spell? I thought you were composing a poem.
223. You get better results if you aim.
224. (this only works against beholders) You poor example of beholderhood!
225. Go boil your bottoms, (nationality) pig-dogs!
226. You fight like a particularly effeminate elf.
226a. In fact, go get some elves. They'll be more challenging.
227. Do you realize that, if I take the time to kill you and loot your corpse, I'll lose 12.6 SP for the two rounds' work?
227+1. I'd compare you to Rincewind, but that insults the (comparatively) noble profession of being a Wizzard. With two Zs.
229: Your mother must have cried tears of joy when you were born. Tell me, has she stopped yet?
230: Your odor makes me nostalgic for the time I was employed at the lord's stables.
231: I know you're a half-elf, but why is the other half suck? (frustratedly to a fellow PC after the third failed hit)
232: I can tell you're not the sharpest sticks in the mud around these parts, so let me show you how we do this. Step 1: This weapon. Step 2: Your face. Lather, rinse, and repeat. (Ranger's Twin Strike while felling two minions)
One for my dragonborn pally "You missed! How could you miss all 7 feet and 9 inches of me?!"
236.one for the pixie member to the 235
the same way you missed the 2.5 feet of me!
237. In response to the two above:
"Come now, size isn't everything! But I'm preaching to the choir, I'm sure you both have heard that plenty of times!"
239. LUBASH SMASH FACE!(look in phb2, you'll find the name "Lubash")
240: What's wrong with you? My practice dummy hits back more often than you do.
241: (a Warlord using "commander's strike")
Attack that hot chick and make her bleed.
242: Did you see that coming? No,you didn't *splorch*
243: I saw my grandmother doing more damage with a rusted knife.
244: Are you even trying?
245: I hope you got some band-aid *hit*
246: You cannot kill the air,don't you know it?
247: All your bones are belong to me
248: (you just missed your target) I'm just copying you,what do you expect?
Battlecries from my Elven Ranger
249: Crossbow? I'm shooting giant TOOTHPICKS!
250: You're FOOD.
251: MY NAME IS HELBAN and YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER MEAL.
252: Guess how I pay for all my stuff?
253: FEED ME!
254: I hear (Dragon/Mindflayer/Lich/Orcus) tastes like CHICKEN.
255: P'tahk! You fight like a roasted targ.
256: You really should be more appreciative. I spend a lot of time working on my battlecries. I mean, really. To me, you're just another body to loot. But out of consideration, I go out of my way to make sure your death is full of funny and memorable banter. Yes. You will die, but we'll all look back on this day and have a good laugh. Well, I will at least.
258. I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' And to tell you the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement. But being as this is a repeating crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, PUNK?
259.(from the comics)[SIZE="7"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]hulk smash!!!!!!!!![/[/FONT]SIZE]
Crying babies are dying babies. (Use after Vicious Mockery as bloodied someone)
You couldn't trip over your own spear if you tried.
1. THIS is MY BOOMSTICK! (Points wand and fires)
2. “Don’t they have any respect for tradition? Whatever happened to just clawing people to death?” (Response to lycanthropes using weapons)
3. “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life." (Any spellcaster)
4. "Sorry, boys. If someone's gonna eat this girl, that's gonna be me" (Said by my female Dhampyre when confronted with a bunch of hungrey gnolls with a hostage)5. "Does that make me evil?" (when I pretty much caused a monster to explode from the force of my Daily)
6. "Let's face it, blowing up thing's is just fun" (said with a shrug)
7. Are you suicidal, or just stupid?!(Response to a minion charging my Paladin)
8. "We won't be able to take them, head on."
"Not with the way you fight, we won't!" (My Warlock being snarky to my friends fighter)
271; (from a female minotaur) Got milk!
272; (to an ogre) Duh, you don't hit too good.
273; (from a dwarf) Aim lower.
274; See this shiny metal thing I'm wearing? It's called armor. You have to aim for the gaps.
275; You call that aiming!!
277. Wizard: I could beat you with half my brain tied behind my back.
278. Sorcerer: Who's familiar are you?
279. Boom boom time.
280. Anyone here afraid of a little boom boom?
Look I'd butcher you, but I you just don't have enough meat on your bones to eat.
281. Thou foul defacer of God's handiwork!
282. Thou loathed issue of thy father's loins!
283. Thou hath not so much brain as ear wax!
284. That wizard is nuttier than a squirrel turd
285. No..no, I'm not upset, I'm sure it happens to a lot of pan-, er, guys.
286. Is that stance from warrior training or home-ec class?
287. Your Resolve is not quite that of a Gelatinous Cube!
288. ZZZ Hzza? Wha? Oh, it's you! I'm going back to sleep, then.
289. Could you do more damage than that, you weedy ass?!
290. Why are you screaming? I said it only said it only hurt a little.
291. Effort doesn't equal victory, dumbass.
292. [Especially good for dwarves, but can be used universally] I've come here to do two things: drink mead and kick ass. Unfortunately, you appear to be all out of mead.
293. Your mother fights better than you, and I should know... I didn't want to pay her.
295. Put down that toy! The battlefield is no place for children!
296. (When you've got the bigger weapon: ) -"Nice 'sword'. When you die, can I give it to my little girl?"
297. Thou spleeny motley-minded puttock!
298. Thou cockered milk-livered canker-blossom!
299. Thou impertinent fool-born measle!
300. I shall live to knock thy brains out.
301. Thou craven hasty-witted flax-wench!
302. Thou dissembling tardy-gaited popinjay!
Not sure if this has been posted previously.
303. (To an Archer/Ranged opponent) Would it help if I stood still for you? I could paint a target on my chest and everything.
304. (After being hit with a fire spell, a character with a desert origin) Summer in the desert is hotter than your fire. I appreciate the reminder of home.
305. (Not really a taunt, used after you've been hit with a weapon/attack similar to your own) Told you mine hurt worse.
306. Yeah, that was -really- painful
307. Congratulations! You have won the dummy (can't think of much else to rhyme with emmi :P ) award for most epic failure!
308. Hey, my life just flashed before my eyes! No wait.....nope, it was yours.
309. Yeeeeaaaahhh....while you're trying to do whatever it is you're doing with that sword/dagger/spell, mind if we shift a little to the left? My legs are cramping up.
310. Oy! Stop bleeding on me!
311. So a fighter and a cleric walk into this bar right? So they order a...hey don't die just yet, I'm not done!
(Shamelessly borrowing from Edmond Rostand's "Cyrano de Bergerac")
312. Fool! Pray the gods, lords of all / receive your soul, for your time has come! / Beat, pass! I fling you aslant, asprawl! / Then, as I end the refrain, thrust home!
(And this one is from "The Princess Bride")
313. You miserable, vomitous mass, you warthog-faced buffoon!
313: (Usable only on female enemies): I've dated girls uglier than you for breakfast!
314: I'm going to shove my fist so far down your throat you'll have to drop your pants to shake hands.
315: (taking a cue from above) I'm going to kick your ass so hard you'll have to clear your throat to fart!
elf ranger archer
216. [to rest of party] Wait guys, you're actually going to let me use my longsword. [to enemy] They never let me use this!
317. You spellcasting or flyswatting?
318. That thing's called a "(name of weapon)." I see you've mastered Lesson One: Don't Hold the (Pointy/Sharp/Big) End. Lesson Two (stab here): Don't Accept Fighting Lessons from Someone Who's Trying to Kill You.
319 (best used when disarming). You could put your eye out with that!
320.wyooo wyooo wyooo(said like curly of the three stoges:D )
321.whats up doc?
332: (said by warforged) Threat level: Does not compute, levels this low are incaculatable,
323: Wait..I cant do this anymore (whistles) Sis you take him..Dont worry shes strong for a 12 year old.
324. (swordmage after using their aegis) Can't let you do that _____
325. Do a barrel roll!
326. You look like you need more iron in your diet. Have some of mine.
327. You must be that milk-toast people were talking about.
328. How's that quivering palm taste, dent-head? (after dealing ridiculous damage to a Garngrath's head).
329. Your strength is that of a Tari... A Tari whose been hitting the Esperweed too hard.
330. You're such a Bone head. (Very effective in use with skeletons and bone oozes)
331. Sadira, you're a *****.
332. Ah, man. And I thought a dragon's breath was deadly...
333. When you're dead I shall assemble you in a humorous fashion! (Again, works well with skeletons, and some constructs)
334. Do you mind if I play the xylophone on your chest? I mean let's face it, you might as well be useful, and we might go easy on you. (More skeleton humor)
335. It seems I've stolen your heart, too bad I don't swing that way. (After ripping out a Cerebrelith's heart)
336. Who is your father and what does he do?
337. What comes after L? Bow!
338. Yippy Ki yea...
339. I'm gonna rip your head off and make it my puppet!
340. Your my wife now.
341. Archers got a big butt!
342. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
343. Order now, and i'll throw in an extra beating absolutly free!
345. Oh you like spacial disorientation dont you?
346. Allow me to assist you with your scuicide!
348: did I just feel a breeze?
349: aaaaw, you got a sword! how cute.
350: a cleric huh? I hope your god is expecting you...
351 to a mindflayer: MMmmmm......seafood.
352: math lesson time! my sword plus your skull equals you dead.
353: Hi dwarf, where are your clones?
354 (a dragonborn to a dragon): sorry, I have no interest in big fat women!
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