Personally, its the, "It didn't want to share a body" line that needed to be edited it out. The entire thing makes much more sense if the automaton is a different creature that is trying to "fix" its dying creator by replacing his rotting, plague ridden body parts with artificial ones that it built.
^ This, exactly. It's the easiest way to fix the story, because the twist doesn't work like it is now, as was pointed out. It would also help the reader sympathize a little with the dumb, well-meaning, murdering clockwork machine. The horror is far greater if the thing actually wants to help its creator, like a human child would, but inadvertently brings death.
Except for the ending, I think the story was very well written and rounded, so it is definitely worth fixing.
Personally, its the, "It didn't want to share a body" line that needed to be edited it out. The entire thing makes much more sense if the automaton is a different creature that is trying to "fix" its dying creator by replacing his rotting, plague ridden body parts with artificial ones that it built.
^ This, exactly. It's the easiest way to fix the story, because the twist doesn't work like it is now, as was pointed out. It would also help the reader sympathize a little with the dumb, well-meaning, murdering clockwork machine. The horror is far greater if the thing actually wants to help its creator, like a human child would, but inadvertently brings death.
Except for the ending, I think the story was very well written and rounded, so it is definitely worth fixing.
I like this reinterpretation as well, but for a different reason. To me, it is less horrific, even if the outcome is the same, if the machine genuinely trying to save its master. I guess I'm a little exhausted of nonstop horror after a whole horror block.
I like the current way, the twist that he survived the plague by becoming a machine, but it's vague and confusing as written.
The point of the story was to be weird and confusing and somewhat dizzying. We're understanding it from the mind of a plague-ridden hermit who went insane years ago.
I'm really enjoying this column - I think it's more content per page than has been on DailyMTG for quite a while (since Mark Gottlieb?).
I thought the payoff was well worth the confusion. However, since it sounds like pretty much everyone had to go back and reread (including me), maybe there was some other way to build the story just so the reread wouldn't have to occur.
It's a good point that "this guy's been insane for years" - it would have maybe helped to have some examples of that earlier on, so that we'd know to mistrust his perceptions more as we read.
The writing is actually fairly advanced. It reminds me of any number of classic short stories. The idea here is to have you be lead in one direction the whole time, and finish with the fact that all the assumptions you've made prior were incorrect. If you still haven't figured it all out, you need to pay closer attention to the reading. It's trying to mimic the prose we used to read in English. I won't say its flawless, but I will say many are reading it too fast and not thinking it through.
I think that's what it's aiming for, Senyuno, but I don't think it quite carries it off. I think a good editor (or a second good editor if it had one already) could help the author make sure all the pieces fit well enough that most people get it when the end twist is revealed, rather than needing to reread it.
Thanks for reading everyone!! I can see how the twist could be confusing, I was going for a twilight zone motif but that can be hard to pull off.
I like the idea that maybe the machine was trying to save his master, but ends up killing him instead, I find that to be more creepy than what I wrote :D
I wanted to convey his madness at being isolated for so long, which is why I had him talking to himself throughout the piece. I'm sure to some it may make more sense that he should have been two separate entities, but the twist at the end was what I was going for the whole time, so it would kind of miss the point.
I hope to work with Jenna on more of these, so your constructive feedback is really valuable! Thanks all!
