Best lines ever

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Every game has some great lines in it, one of the current games I'm in has had some great ones....

*Discussing the upcoming mission*

Male rogue - We're not going to do it. It's stupid. Why should we trust these guys to do what they say. Additionally, why should we give them a dragon? It's just going to grow up and eat us!

Female Druid - I'll sleep with you.

Male Rogue - OK.

*In an ancient burial mound, trying to rescue a baby "red" dragon for kobolds*

Fighter - I am going to cut the rope bridge!

Druid - NO! We need to use the bridge to get across and get the dragon!

Fighter - There are goblins shooting at us from the other side! I'm cutting the rope!

Druid - Don't cut the rope! Don't cut the rope!



*After rescuing the dragon and now attempting to escape. 2 of the players have already been hurt by the writhing form of the baby WHITE dragon, painted red and are running off*

Druid - I turn so that the dragon is facing the goblins. They won't hurt the dragon and he provides me with cover.

DM - the dragon hits the goblin in front of you with his breath weapon and *rattle rattle* his claw *rattle rattle* and his bite. The goblin goes down.

Druid - :D I have a semi-automatic dragon.
I feel kind of sorry for people who don't role-play a lot, mostly because they miss out on the opportunity to have these kind of situations occur.

Recently I was playing a noble negotiating with another noble for permission to establish a trade post and a minotaur who was traveling with us accused me of coming to enslave them (he then told me a dromite PC convinced him that this was true). Me and the DM were a little tired, and we thought the dromite came in to laugh about it, so I asked the minotaur "You mean that dromite?" My friend informed us that he never entered the room, so the first thing that came to my mind and out my lips were "made you look?". Everyone laughed a couple of minutes afterward.
I was playing second edition and we were in undermountain and had been haveing a heated battle with some orcs out in one of the main halls where we drew some EXTRA attention (imagine that!!!) We had attracted a few hell hounds but our characters had NEVER seen them before so our DM was just giving a breif discription. something to the affect of small quadraped with big teeth and red eyes and brown we were entering hour 9 of our marathon game and it was like 2 am and i said "oh look, Gophers....with christmas lights!!!" we laughed and laughed about that one.
I was running a campaign earlier this year. The PC's were in the process of saving a little village from a Drow raiding party that had decided to stick around for a while. The PC's didn't see the Drow right away, just their minions. The party managed to kill some orcs I'd modelled after their own characters (heh). The Ranger followed the tracks of the orcs and found a couple of Drow, standing around, waiting for their flunkies to return. He got to eavesdrop on the following exchange:

Female: Pah! Where are those oafs?
Male: Do you mean the orcs, mistress?
Female: Of course I mean the orcs, fool! An orc is a type of oaf!
The party telling an NPC that Khelben Arsun Blackstaff is cheating with a married fellow LOWD, the clumsy with words dwarven fighter proclaimed " She loves the blackstaff" instead of "She loves blackstaff"

Needless to say we had to end the session there, we were overwhelmed with laughter and whipped out Munchkin.
Well, directly I remember a couple easy to remember ones. I just dragged them over to this post from the Greatest One-Liners on the General Discussion page.

1. From a Ninja and Super Spies one shot adventure, my hero (the gun toting, Rambo like individual) was aiming his undermount grenade launcher at the record store in the mall. From behind him, his team member shots, "We are not supposed to damage the building!"

My characters only response, "I'll pay for it."

Then a nice and quiet KA-BOOM. . . .I got the bad guy though

2. In the climatic fight with the BBEG, the parties Knight and Ranger were fighting with the BBEG. The knight spent the entire time shouting taunts and snipets of the evil things the BBEG did when the two worked together. With a lucky called shot, the BBEG stabbed the Knight in the throat, slicing his larinx in half. With the sword still in place, the BBEG pulled the player close and whispered, "I told you to be quiet."

Real simple line, but it was the delivery, and the player still talks about that moment to this day. He was really thrilled when we later ran a campaign on the same world, and the first of the major NPCs he met was his old character, complete with the nasty scar and inability to talk.
Can't go wrong with a classic that goes back to one of my first Basic-level games...

My Thief starts checking around to make sure everything's safe, catastrophically fails roll, the DM says "you all hear a grating of stone against stone..."

Eyes wide, my Thief turns back to the party "Oops?"


(as a side note, nobody survived that one, and "oops" was the last thing they heard)
OK I got another one. My friend and I were playing with a more experienced group before we tried roleplaying with our own group. Anyway, he was a Sorcerer and I was a Rogue and we were trying to figure out what these two other PCs (a Barbarian and a Fighter) were doing in our city, so we trailed them all the way to the local cheap Inn and went to their door. My friend knocks on the door, not realizing we didn't know what to say. When they asked who it was, my friend responded "Room Service". Being the low quality inn that it was, they kicked the door down and my friend ran off, leaving me to roll up a new character.
Ok, the group was coming up on the great cave wich was, undoubtly, holding a dragon (Grey, a variant of Black and White, don´t know how but the Dm told us ealier, it´s been 8-9 years)
The last thing my character ever said, as he came up to the entrance was:
"Oh, neat the entrance looks like a Dragons mouth"
And then I told the Dm:
"I enter".

Need I say;
the session was 9-10 hours old and
I was the party thief.

And it was not a entrance!!

Evil O
Okay, we were playing a 20th level game. The DM had decided to whip out the Tarrasque on our way to fight "bigger and badder" things. Oh, by the way, the Cleric had the Protection domain and the Saint template. The combat went something like this:

DM: You see a gigundular bipedal creature with giant teeth, claws, and horns stomping towards the temple. Make a Will Save.
Cleric: Okay, 34. Does that make it?
DM: Yes.
Me (Bladesinger): Um, does 27 make it?
DM: Yes.
Ranger: Does 30 make it?
DM: Yes. Okay, roll for initiative.

So initiative goes like this: Tarrasque, Cleric, Me, Ranger.
DM: The Tarrasque rushes forward and attacks you (the Ranger). *rolls dice* He hits you with two claws and a bite. Make a Grapple check.
Ranger: Um, 15.
DM: You are swallowed whole.

So, the Cleric activates a couple of buffs on himself and begins taunting the Tarrasque (yes, taunting), I cast True Strike in myself, and the Ranger cuts his way out of the Tarrasque's stomach.
DM: The Tarrasque steps forward and attacks you (to the Cleric). *rolls dice* Make a Grapple check.
Cleric: No point, I want to be swallowed.
DM: Okay. You're swallowed whole.
Cleric: I activate my 9th level domain spell, Prismatic Sphere.
DM: Um, okay. Make a Spellcraft check.
Cleric: Does 53 make it?
(We used the +10 from nat 20 roll rule variant.)
DM: Yep.
Cleric: The save DC for the spell effects is (insert some ungodly high number).
DM: *rolls dice* Saves vs. Red. Saves vs. Orange. Saves vs. Yellow. Saves vs. Green. Saves vs. Blue. Saves vs. Indigo. Fails vs. Violet. *rolls dice* Sent to the Nine Hells. *rolls dice* Sent to Asmodeus' personal residence. :OMG!
Everyone else:

Needless to say, it was one of the more funny moments (especially considering that the DM mentioned he had wanted to include some plane-hopping the day before; I don't think he had just that particular situation in mind).
First of all to explain the scene. We were going agianst a high level drow elf who had mirror image on, stoneskin, blur and an AC of -10 (2ed rules) He was unharmed vs us. One palidine held by him a cleric out of spells down to 7 hp, a dwarf down to 12 hp and me a draconian down to 3 hp.

Me: All right Drow. I'll ask you one last time. Surrender to me and we promiss a quick death.
Drow: For the last time Stop Asking me!
Oh I have so many, but two just jump right out...

First playing in a second edition game, my wife, and our two friends (also a married couple, still game with them 16 years later...). I don't even remember what I was playing but my wife was trying a PSI character for the first (and only time).

Renee goes to refill soda f Steve : Everyone Roll initiative.
Me : Roll low
Renee : Roll low
Steve's wife : Roll low
Steve: Kobolds roll high
Steve: Kobold throws a spear at Renee.
Steve: Critical, (using house rule insta kill) your'e dead.

From that day forward "Bribing the DM" with Coke is a dead sure way to die. We still say "not a bribe" when filling Steve's glass.

Second, same players I was DM'ing first edition Shadowrun, the group had just had a firefight with a gang (I5ers if you know old Shadowrun) and had knocked one unconscious stuffed them in the back of their rented limo and continued the running fire fight.

Three days later, after several more run ins with the gang,
Steve: You know we still don’t know why they are trying to kill
Gay: We should try to capture one and interrogate them…
Renee: what ever happened to the one we stuck in the trunk?

We laughed for several minutes then they preceded to the interrogation...
I can't remember half the funny things that happens in the games I play in. Still, last session in Al Quadim I remember. I play a Sah'er (wizard) with primary goal in life to obtain magic items (in an extremely low magic setting).

A long story short, I get information that leads to the arrest of a gang of thieves in a city, and reports to the authorities to get the reward (150 gp). But I never checked the house they were in. Later, two other in my party (Beduin types) check the thieves house along with Mamelukes (guards), and of course find a magic item.

Later, whn they tell I say (while shaking all over)

me: You found a magic item?

they: yes

me: and you gave it to the mamelukes?

they: yes (nodding vigerously)

me:.... well... as is the right thing to do isn't it? (trembling, eyes twitching)

Ah, guess you had to be there.
My favorite in game quote has actually been posted on these boards before: [thread=259802]here.[/thread]

Just a snipit from that thread. Background is, we were forced to be allied with an evil dragon by our inept DM. My friend, Galahad, had just gotten through explaining to the DM that being forcibly allied with an evil dragon goes against his character concept.

At this point my DM got really flustered and informed me that the dragon didn’t give any specific orders other than to look for towns that would be easy for him to conquer. While I am still arguing with him about why I wanted to get rid of my character and make an independent one, one of the other players made a suggestion that completely turned my mood around. (Thanks, Tom!)


We then send a message to the dragon (he gave us an item that gives us a telepathic bond) that the Tower of Exaggerated Sorcery would be ideal for him to conquer. The plan was basically this: the wizards there are too incompetent to deal with this dragon, who, by the way, was not susceptible to whatever force it was that made every mage a half-caster. He lays siege to the tower, and we make plans to come back the next day and walk proudly through the rubble.

If the dragon wins, I feel vindicated because (a) my character had an antagonistic relationship with the wizards all along and (b) the DM doesn’t have his precious magical stronghold anymore. Then I can quit this game with a feeling of satisfaction, which I knew I’d be doing anyway by the end of the night.

If the tower wins, I go back to the town of dragon-worshippers and tell them I’m their new god, which would put an interesting new spin on the campaign storyline. It’s a no-lose situation.

Well, we arrived the day after the assault, and much to my consternation, the tower was still standing. My character knocked on the door, expecting that the only survivors would be badly wounded, only to find the usual terse, rude, impossibly high-level mages, at full health to boot. They informed me that the dragon attacked, but fled while they held their ground. For some reason, I decided to show them the rune on my back, and they just took me to a waiting room. When they returned, they knew I was the one who sent the dragon. I later found out that they had cast contact other plane, which is suspicious coming from wizards who were too busy to cast detect magic. More suspicious was the fact that the DM never rolled any of the failure chances for the questions, and each question is answered in a one-word answer, making it very hard to find out exactly who told the dragon to attack.

At this point, I was really frustrated with the endless nerfs I was being hit with, and I decided that if my character can’t commit suicide without a lecture, he’s going to die trying to kill the mages. The result was that I got hit by 5 hold persons, and was transported (somehow, because teleport only works on willing creatures) to another room. There, they removed the rune on my character’s back, and put on a new one. I was told that if I ever returned to the tower, I would be disintegrated on sight.

At this point, I was determined to watch the tower fall before I quit this campaign permanently. I called up the dragon, and said to him, “You didn’t finish the job.”

Long read, but so worth it

So to Galahad
My personal favorite occured just about 9 years ago in a game with my brother (the Fighter) and my best friend (the Wizard, who at that time had Int 18). They had just recieved a letter from a mysterious benefactor, telling them about a dungeon just outside of town:

DM (me): A messenger arrives at your inn with a letter from your mysterious benefactor.
Fighter: Alright, I take the letter and tip the messenger. I open it and start to read.

I read the contents of the letter out loud (which detail the dungeon's entrances and exits, some of the creatures within, etc), and when I finish, the wizard responds with this:

Wizard (apparently speaking to the letter): What else can you tell us about the creatures within the dungeon? How many are there? What types? Do they have reinforcements? Do they have shift changes, and if so, when do they change?
Wizard: What?
Fighter: Dude, parchment can't speak.

DM & Fighter:
An ally of the party had been captured by thier main enemy, a local politician, and had been turned over to some of her former associates, a particularly nasty and brutish band. When the party finally caught up to them in thier lair, they discovered to thier disgust and shock that the half fiend in the enemy group had tortured thier friend, a fellow named Dwight who was the son of a prominent general, by chopping off a finger each day and consuming it. When they came upon poor Dwight, shivering and wounded in a tiny cell, the party barbarian attempted to comfort him.

Agatha (barbarian): At least they left your sword hand alone.
Dwight: Th-that was... my.... my sword hand...
Agatha: That's alright. You were a pretty awful warrior to begin with.
Dwight: My father... he'll be so dissapointed...
Agatha: From what we heard he disowned you. Actually, I have a letter here with me.
*Agatha pulls out a letter she found earlier, from Dwight's father to the BBEG
Agatha: Yeah. He said he refused to pay your ransom. Something about how you'd die sooner or later anyway.
Dwight: ....sob....
Agatha: Er, you okay buddy? Something I said?

On another occasion, a player decided to try something er, new and unusual. This brought out the dark side of the party fighter.

Malko (new character): Greetings! I am Malko! I have heard much of your great deeds and wish to join you!
Thornix (party fighter): Hello, Malko.
Hod (rogue): We're flattered by your compliments. So, what could you bring to our merry band?
Malko: I'm glad you asked. As you can see by my fullplate, I'm well equipped for battle. Yet, within seconds I can remove this harness and cast all of my spells! In fact, with a small chance of failure I can even demonstrate my magical powers WITH the armor ON!
Thornix' player: ...
Hod's player: .... you did know this campaign took place in the DESERT, right?
Malko's player: Yeah, but you know. Who cares. It's not like we'll be in the hot part too much.
Thornix's player: DM? Would it be an evil act to kill this guy? Someone's bound to soon, that is unless he blunders off into the desert alone in his FULL PLATE.

As it happened, after a few sessions Malko blundered off alone into the desert to solo some orcs. As it happened, an orc soloed him. Exit Malko. Incidentally, the player's replacement PC, a wizard named Pancho, became an enduring and beloved comic relief character of the campaign. Go figure.

Mayor's Butler (bruised and battered): Hello? Oh! Y-y-you!
Pancho (abashed): I want to apologize. For, you know. Punching you the other day.
Mayor's Butler: Th-th-think nothing of it, s-s-s-s-sir.
Pancho: I'm glad you understand. I baked you this cake. Actually, I bought it. But let's pretend, between you and me, that I baked it.
Mayor's Butler:

Adventurer's League Secretary: All registering groups must submit an official name for thier party/band/troupe or other affiliated unit.
Agatha: Hrmm...
Thornix: This might take awhile. We want a great name for ourselves.
Dwight: Something with 'blood' in it? Or 'sword'? Or 'razor'? How about the 'razor blood swords'?
Pancho: I like... 'Pancho's Kaboomers'!!
Agatha: NO!
Thornix: NO!!
Secretary: Pancho's Kaboomers it is.

Pancho: Father! Priest! You there!
Priest: Greetings, my son. May the gods smile on you today.
Pancho: My friend has been affected with a horrible curse. Remove it!
Priest: Hmm. This looks to be beyond my abilities.
Pancho: What do you mean? Just cast Remove Curse, or Heal. Or something.
Priest: Why, those spells are only granted to the mightiest of clerics. I am but a humble acolyte.
Pancho: You can't cast a simple 6th level spell? Are you kidding me?
Priest: 'Sixth level'...? I... I misunderstand, I think.
Pancho: Come on. Can you even make undead?
Priest: Make undead?! Why, I never--!
Pancho: Come on. Cure me. Cure my HP big shot. Show me your spells, pal. Come on.
*Priest casts Cure Minor Wounds.
Pancho: 1 HP. Cure Minor Wounds. I punch the priest.
DM: You punch the priest!?
Pancho: Yeah. I got a 15, plus... alright. Do I hit him?
DM: Uh. Yes.
Pancho: Ok. 5 damage.
DM: 5 damage. You slam your fist into the PRIEST OF HUMILITY AND PEACE'S face, cracking his nose and causing a huge black welt over his eye. He crumples onto a nearby pew with a choked groan.
Pancho: Oops. I throw 50 gp on him, to show no hard feelings.
DM: Alright. As you pelt the unconscious priest with your chunks of metal, you hear the stifled sobs of orphans and farmer's wives from the doorstep.
Pancho: Hrmn. I'm not Chaotic Good anymore, am I...?
DM: No. No you're not.

That's great stuff. Kinda Blackmage-esque, but still... :heehee
All of these are from a week-long Ravenoft "marathon" game I ran back in High School. Over our vacation, we took a week in which we played D&D into the wee (or not so wee) hours of the morning, until the players fell aslweep or the DM was too loopy to do anything.

The party: Elven Fighter/Mage imported from a generic D&D world, Irda Mage(White Robes)/Cleric(Solinari) imported from Dragonlance, Avariel(as per the Dragon magazine version) Fighter imported from a generic D&D world (male player, female character ... and quite possibly the reason why none of my other players has considered the idea since), and an Elf Ranger.

After a series of incredibly poor choices, the fighter/mage decides the only reasonable course of action is to fireball a village full of Sithican Kender. The cleric of course took exception to this and, using the element of surprise, he pummeled and then bound and gagged the offending elf (named Tim). He then located his companion's spellbook, and confiscated it, saying (in his best "angry parent" voice),
"Now, you can have this back whe you learn to behave."

During this time, the Ranger has managed to acquire a Giant Stag Beetle (the preferred mount of Sithican elves) , which he promptly names "Timzanidiot."
Hey, it's funnier at 3am.

This last one's funnier without a setup:
Player: "I fall to my knees and scream 'I'm sorry!' to the heavens."
DM: "Oddly enough, she doesn't come back to life." *rolls* "You just failed a Dark Powers Check." :D

ROTFLMAO! Great stuff, haven't laughed so hard this month!
A lot of it is in delivery but in a 3d ed campaign I was the sorcerer and we were debating how to attack this one giant evil tower thing. The thing was we knew which room we wanted and there were windows.

Kaxes (Rogue): We should sneak in!
Ray (Fighter): Some are not stealthy enough, clearly we must storm the gate!
Me (Sorceror): I. Can. Make. You. Fly.

Just the way I apparently said it was funny. It was a "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die" kind of voice. Also kind of funny how everyone wanted to do things respective to their class.

Another situation involving the heritage of Ray, our fighter. Earlier in the campaign he was seduced by a succubus who sucked out a good amount of constitution before we rescued him. At that point the succubus ran and dissapeared into shadow. Now this is later on.
Asmodeus (Ray's brother, stole the name when he killed the real Asmodeus): Well here we have the entire family here, huh Ray?
Ray: Well technically most of you are undead. And the succubus isnt related.
Asmodeus: Yes. She is.
Me OOC: Dude you did your sister!
Ray: This is about the point that I commit sebbekku
There are so many memories I have, but I can't seem to remember them! Here's one that comes to mind:

3.5, low level party. A human fighter who is an ex-fisherman (uses harpoons and what-not), a Neraph Ranger (this is a really cool race with no LA), and a cleric of nerull.

A barfight breaks out in the tavern we are all in. Y'know, people start fighting, breaking bottles etc. The PCs all join in. Everything is going well, 'till one of the drunks smashes Rusty Shackleford (the fighter) over the head with a bottle.

DM: "Okay, one of the drunks swings at you with a wine bottle." *rolls* "He hits you for 4 damage, and the bottle smashes into pieces."
Rusty: OOC "Lethal or non-lethal damage!?"
DM: "Lethal."
Rusty: "Okay." *rolls dice*
DM: "What are you doing?"
Rusty: "I'm impaling the guy on my harpoon."
DM: "What!?"
Rusty: *looks at dice* "Natural 20! Rolling to confirm..."
Everyone else: *stares anxiously at the rolling dice*
Rusty: "A total of 18, he's mine!"
DM: "Okay, you turn and impale the poor sap on your massive harpoon, he yelps a little then just gurgles and slumps over..."

The rest of the party members decided to start killing all the drunks. It was a blood bath. They didn't know the RULES of barfights (i.e., NO KILLING!).
This was in 2ed oriental adventures, My character was a bushi while 2 of my friends played a samurai and a shukenja (the 2nd edition version had a rule that shukenjas can't hurt anyone) We were trapped in another plane and the exit back home was in a small island guarded by a semi-divine dragon turtle and his amall army of giant crab spirits.

The leader of our group, the samurai, was negotiating with the dragon turtle and was actually about to convince him to let us enter the portal, when out of nowhere the shukenja....

Shukenja: "I open my bag and bring out the rod I found the other day"
DM: "Ok, it's a metal rod about 2' long topped with a blue crystal"
Shukenja: "I look if there is anything written on it."
DM: "There are some words etched on the side"
Shukenja:"Ok I read the words.....LIGHTNINGCRUSHES"

A chain lightning effect escapes from the rod and hits the water around the island, killing all the crab spirits and stunning the now mad dragon tutle. the shukenja and I run for the portal while the noble samurai is left to provide cover from the turtle's breath weapon

In another session with the same characters. While journeying to the frozen north, we (me and the samurai) were captured by tentacled ice creatures deep underground, with the shukenja the only one able to escape to the surface. At the surface the first thing he did was.....

Shukenja: "I bring out and use my dragon coin of wishing"
DM: "OK, a ray of golden light shoots from the coin up to the sky, where a
serpentine dragon appears (think dragonball) and asks for your wish"
Me and the Samurai together: " Great Thinking, ask it to teleport us out
of here"
Shukenja: (In a bold tone) "I wish for a weapon to defeat my enemies"
DM: Granted, heres a flaming mace. Farewell"

And so the holy shukenja (who cannot harm anyone) once again venturred underground armed with his +1 flaming mace, burning all the ice monsters on his way and freeing his captured companions :D
Following a battle, where the elven rogue's love interest - a LG human ranger - charged recklessly into melee with a giant, trying to provoke an attack of opportunity so that the other party members could close unharmed:
Angry and concerned Rogue: Just what do you think you were doing back there, (w)itch??!!

Ranger, in a voice that could kick start the Ice Age: If you ever call me a (w)itch again, you'd better have your sword in your hand, because I'm going to draw mine and start swinging.
Being attacked by Slaads.

2 of them in range of my Prismatic Spray, 4 Innocents in the way.

My mage: "Acceptable Collateral damage"

Proceeds to Cast on innocents.
Back when the Dragonlance modules first came out, my monk got splashed by the Black Dragon. The GM gave me the stats for the elven prince the party meets once they get captured by the dragonkin, plus some background info on him.

We're currently in cages on wagons, getting carted off who knows where.

Me: Okay, once we get into the Qualinesti forest, I can use the 'forest-speak' of the Qualinesti Elves to let them know to break us out.

Other player: Yeah, sure, right, what are you, the King of the Qualinesti Elves?

Me: No. pause. I'm the Son of the King of the Qualinesti Elves.

Other player: Oh. Well, okay, then. I guess you can do that.
*Female Rogue, realizing things are not as they seem with the cleric*

Rogue: So, let me get this straight. I told the entire story of what happened between the emperor and myself, while drunk, to the sea elf who turned out to be one of the pirates we were looking for in the first place.

Cleric: Right...

Rogue: I then turn around, after being waylaid by the pirate and tell the whole thing to someone else... Who just happens to be a good friend of the emperor's.

Cleric: Oh, I'm not a good friend of the emperor's. I have only known him for a little over 20 years.

Rogue: But the emperor is only 31.

Cleric: Right, and my 21st birthday is next month.


Cleric: I do know what my brother likes and dislikes.

Rogue: :OMG!
The Fighter, the fighter/rogue and the bard in a discussion (bit OOC):

Fighter on the incredible jump and tumble skills of the fighter/rogue:
"He has a Matrix-mode"

On her own whirlwind-attack:
"I have a blender mode"[/i]

The bard:
"And I have Depeche Mode"
The bard:
"And I have Depeche Mode"

Takes some setup, bear with..

Barbarian: (walks into Scottish themed town tavern)
Man: What can I get you?
Barb: Are you wearing a dress?
Man: NO!
Barb: It looks like a dress.
Man: It's a kilt.
Barb: Not a dress.
Man: It's a kilt. Women wear dresses. This is a kilt!
Barb: A man dress..
man: (very angry now) It's a kilt and I suggest you remember it.
Barb: Uh...yeh..okay...

Time passes. Drinking. Waiting...

Woman: (runs into the tavern, weeping unconsolably)
Man: What's wrong?!
Woman: It's terrible...limb from limb...*SOB* poor boys
Man: No...say it's not so...tell me they're alright!
Woman: They've been killed!
Barb: Don't you mean kilt?

Shut down the game for 15 minutes.
The party of characters, including a generally belligerent elven ranger with a strength of 18 and a WIS and CHA at or below 10, are venturing into a dwarven fortress in an attempt to defeat the enemies that have taken up residence. They're being guided by an NPC gnome recruit who is actually a Strife Elemental (from the S&S books, but basically makes those nearby become very argumentative and possibly violent) who has affected all but the cleric and fighter at this point with its strife effect.

After fighting through several monsters and the gnome giving them next to no information about where they were heading (because he was "just a recruit" and didn't know the lay of the fortress), they come across a darkened hallway. Down the hallway, they see what looks like a faintly glowing sword (actually a gelatinous cube with a magic sword stuck in it) and the party, already beat up by Shadows, among other things, tells the gnome to check it out. The gnome refuses to go, since he's not likely to survive.

At this point, the half-elven bard suggests "throw the gnome."
So, the ranger grabs the gnome and chucks him down the hallway.

It was just classic. There are still jokes about throwing gnomes and, particularly, that if the players ever meet a badger who throws gnomes, they'll have found the reincarnation of that ranger (who died the same session to a party kill, actually).
This was when there was a new character in the group, the person playing the monk was tired of being a monk (He had played that character for 3 years or so), and made a new character: A planar elf cleric of Raziel/Fist of Raziel, named Quyinn.

The fighter, a dwarf called Duke Raiyn, hates elves, I'd like to mention.

Amethyst: "So, where do you come from?"
Quyinn: "I come from a higher realm of existan-"
Raiyn (Interrupting): "Is it Hell? Do you come from Hell? Hell? Hell? It was Hell, wasn't it?"
Hmm. There are several memorable liners from my history of gaming. Let me see...
  • my elven necromancer (using Dragonlance SAGA rules) uttered the most famous dying one-liner while trying desperately (for the first time in his life) to do a good thing and carry a wounded companion over a river of lava on a very weak bridge - and, of course, he failed his Agility test. His last words were: "Oh sh*t!"
  • During my time as a DM in an Epic game, I created an artifact called "The Crown of the Serpent People" and it was in the possession of a melancholic greater mummy cleric. When my PCs stumbled into his tomb and tried to escape (the mummy had also tried to escape - for THREE MILLENIA!), he just muttered "escape is futile, escape is futile, escape is futile..." They did escape, though, and took the Crown with them. The mummy was quite pleased to get away from that temple.
  • This was my SW character's - Grand Admiral Aeros Haakin of the Empire - favoured liner. Whenever he encountered someone who had betrayed the Empire and he had the means to execute the hapless fellow, he uttered "the punishment for the treason against the Empire is death". What made this even more hilarious was that when he tried to commit suicide my swallowing cyanide after becoming convinced that he was, in fact, an enemy of the Empire too, he uttered those exact same words. And then that blasted haughty Jedi b***h came and stopped him.
During some quest or other involving a large Vampiric Dragon called Shae Mora, or something very much like that. We were at the top tower in a round room.

DM : There is a massive stake like object in the centre of the room, coming through the ceiling and through a hole in the floor. Where it pierces the floor there is a gap around the circumferance, you can see slightly down to the floor below. There is a mechanism with the amulet you've been searching for in the centre.

Vex : I'll go over and inspect the amulet.

DM : It is fixed into the mechanism. Though it does appear to be part of a wheel.

Vex : Turn it.

DM : The large chonical pillar sinks into the floor, sealing the gap so you can no longer glimpse anything below.

Vex : Hmm......that won't do. That won't do at all. I can't even see the floor below now.

(the rest of the party is going through the gear of a couple of dead Vampire adventurers, ignoring the rather curious Ranger)

Vex : Turn it the other way

DM : What?

Vex : The wheel. Turn it the other way. I want to get a better view of where we came from.

DM : (In a loud voice) You want to turn the that the large stake-like thing moves up and perhaps out of whatever is below?

(Party still comparing swag)

Vex : Yep. As far it goes.

DM : As far as it goes it is then.

At this point a couple of really angry people (a 4-armed snake bird and a Vampire) turn up, one trying to kill Vex because he has just realesed a Vampiric Dragon and the other because Vex is starting to put 2 and 2 together and is looking to turn the wheel back the other way. The rest of the party aren't too sympathetic and decide that it would be best to leave Vex to get himself out of this mess.

The party didn't fair so well after that. The Dragon escaped, Vex got horribly killed and the other memebers of the party reverse gravitied themselves up through the now large hole in the ceiling. The suriving members were not to well liked after that.

(sorry that i posted this to the wrong board the first time)
We're playing Torg. The PC's are on retainer at an army base as civilian experts. A few of the enlisted boys don't think very much of us, and start a bit of a scuffle while we're relaxing at the PX. A brawl ensues, and at one point our Edeinos blasts one of the soldiers with his Lava Burst miracle, burning him pretty badly but not injuring him too seriously. An officer busts in on the scene a moment later and breaks up the fight...

Officer: Now, what the hell is going on here?
Another PC: Oh, uh, we were just, um, training, sir.
Officer (points at burned soldier): Oh, really? And what the kind of training is this?
Me: Fire safety.
*Rogue playing stupid*

NPC - Are you sure you want to come? We're going boar hunting.

Rogue - Of course I want to come. I've seen boars before, they are big pigs.

NPC - VERY big pigs, with nasty sharp pointy teeth.

Rogue - I have to wonder... If there are really big pigs... What about big chickens?

NPC - ... ...I don't know.

Rogue - What about big sheep?

NPC - I think those would be cattle.

Rogue - Well what would big cattle be then?


Rogue - :D

NPC - I have to go check out my horse.
*After escaping with most of the party having been bitten by ghouls and the druid failing her fort save*

DM -- OK, you make camp. Everyone settles in for the night and you see something moving through the woods...
(starts rifling through his papers)
Oh dear. That's not right.
PC1 -- What?
DM -- Well, this monster is in with the wrong group. I pulled out a Kracken.
(Group dissolves into laughter as we debate how a Kracken came to be in the forest.)
PC2 -- He came from a puddle.
PC1 -- You wouldn't really have to roll spot or listen to miss the kracken.
PC3 -- (playing the druid) Hey, can I bite it?
DM -- (confused) Why would you want to bite it?
PC3 -- Then I could have an undead kracken. :D
After eaves dropping on the bad guys and learning of their evil plans it seems the heroes will have to bust in and fight against the odds to save the day. The conversation held before kicking in the door.

PC 1: You know this is a bad idea right?
PC 2: Yep.
PC 1: We're still going to do it though?
PC 2: You have a better idea?
PC 1: Other than not going through with your idea? No.
PC 2: Right... so you ready?
PC 1: *sigh* If we die, I'm going to kill you.
PC 2: I know ya will buddy, lets go.
Aesop had it right 2,500 years ago, "By endeavoring to please everyone, he had pleased no one, and lost his ass in the bargain".
Heh, had this little exchange last night...we were playing in a Dark Sun-esque world, and we had just fought off a small group of halfling cultists who tried to ambush us en route to a village we were sent to secure trade agreements with. We killed 4 of the 5 attackers, and slung the last one over our cleric's shoulders unconscious. When we reached the gully in which the village was nestled, we looked down to count about 20 black-robed halfling cultists in the village. My ranger wanted to don the halflings' religious amulets and go down into the village to spy things out, but the cleric objected:

Cleric: "We can't go down there! I'm carrying a halfling!"

Ranger (irritated): "Well, put him down!" may be one of those "you had to be there" moments. Here's something slightly funnier: in a different game, our group, which included a druid and a rogue who specialized in poison, was planning to drive a young red dragon from a young gold dragon's roost. Before we entered the cave, the group discussed alternatives:

Rogue: "I know! We can poison a sheep, roll it into the cave, then wait for the dragon to eat it and die!"

Druid: *looks at rogue*

Rogue (deadpan, back to druid): "Say, how do you feel about sheep?"
"Okay, I use a Survival check to survive getting hurt by the trap..."
my freinds telepathic communication with his familiar
"Ok how many orcs do you see?"
"I see three butterflys!"
"How many orcs?!"
"Whats an orc"
my orcs all missed the cat

my freind using a magical item used to gather information on the size of a room.
::points infront of him::
::just as he's about to turn to face the next wall meter changes::
Readout: 60
Readout: 30
::looks up::
::the orc barley misses him::
not exatly lines but their funny kinda...
Well one session a long time ago, we snuck into a heavily guarded fortress and it failed in a bitter end. We were listening in on a conversation between three people (there was four of us), and I, going by instinct alone, burst through the doors.

I pulled out my sword and shouted "Mind if I cut in!!" (cheesey I know)

It was after the fact that I noticed around 30 more soldiers sitting down eating some food.

I died, while my party ran.