Best lines ever II

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In light of the closure of the old thread and the continued need for one of these here we go.

Thanks goes out to Kittencaboodle for starting the original and having it last for 4 years!

Seen as I have been missing out on my own games I will now leave it open to all of you.

(note if this does manage to get a few pages on it then don't bother reading all of them just jump to the end and add your own lines)

And here is the original thread in all its glory:
Best Thread Ever

Or if you prefer here it is available as a dl
The old thread can be found here. It was locked due to getting too big. But that doesn't mean the hilarity and fun needs to stop!


As I haven't created much (and since this is the first post of the thread), I'll share one conversation that happened a few sessions ago. The party of two, Danar (Zora Summoner) and Alikom (Rito Overdrive Knight who used to live on an island with Chozo), had just arrived at the top of a tower on an enemy ship they were hiding on. There are lots of boxes and crates there.


Danar: *opens a crate* Oh, hey, look, iron pipes. These will come in handy if I lose my pistol.
Alikom: Or if they come too close. I'll check the boxes on this side, you go that way, okay? We might find more handy stuff.
Danar: Sure thing, Ali. *opens a box* Hey, it's a box. *opens the box* Hey... another box?! *opens the box* What the... *several more boxes are opened* I swear, if this isn't the last box... *opens the box and finds a picture of himself* ...wow, how in the hell did that... damn, I look good.

Alikom: *finds another crate and cracks it open with one of the iron pipes* Let's see what's in here... hmm, bags. *examines bags* What's this... a name? S-A-N-T-A. Who in the name of Bahamut is that?
*Alikom searches through the bags and finds several boxes wrapped in colourful paper inside. Upon opening a smaller one, he finds a cube made up of smaller cubes with its six sides in different colours.*
Alikom (OOC): A RUBIX CUBE?
DM: It's the weapon that will save the universe.
Danar (OOC): Really?
DM: No.
Danar: Balls.

*After the two of them have searched through more boxes and crates, they meet back at the stairs where they started.*

Danar: Okay, so what did you find?
Alikom: I found a green tunic and a matching cap, but its too small for me, so I'll keep it for the little guy we left in town with Yggdrinon. And I found a weird orange helmet with a green visor that seems vaguely familiar. (OOC) *gives the DM a glare* It's what I think it is, right?
DM: *grins wickedly*
Alikom: I swear, for some reason, it feels as if the last couple of minutes I've been played a big prank on.
Danar: Same here, but at least I found some booze. *holds up bottles of Heineken*
Alikom (OOC): Oh dear God.
DM: You weren't planning on taking levels of Drunken Master, were you?
Okay, I'll kick off with one of the most naive things ever said in any of my games and reported in another thread:

"Maybe it's a friendly lich!"
Mainly tagging this, but some lines from a freeform RP on a forum;

"My life is in the hands of a man who can only think about tabbies. Great."

And then much later;

"'Crazy's not contagious. You really are insane, aren't you?'
OOC: Don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby."

And, on a different tangent, my own charrie; "I condone the construction of anything with the word 'siege' in it's name."

Zammm = Batman.

It's my sig in a box
58280208 wrote:
Everything is better when you read it in Bane's voice.
192334281 wrote:
Your human antics and desire to continue living have moved me. Just kidding. You cannot move me physically or emotionally. Wall humor.
57092228 wrote:
Copy effects work like a photocopy machine: you get a copy of the 'naked' card, NOT of what's on it.
56995928 wrote:
Funny story: InQuest Magazine (I think it was InQuest) had an oversized Chaos Orb which I totally rooked someone into allowing into a (non-sanctioned) game. I had a proxy card that was a Mountain with "Chaos Orb" written on it. When I played it, my opponent cried foul: Him: "WTF? a Proxy? no-one said anything about Proxies. Do you even own an actual Chaos Orb?" Me: "Yes, but I thought it would be better to use a Proxy." Him: "No way. If you're going to put a Chaos Orb in your deck you have to use your actual Chaos Orb." Me: "*Sigh*. Okay." I pulled out this huge Chaos Orb and placed it on the table. He tried to cry foul again but everyone else said he insisted I use my actual Chaos Orb and that was my actual Chaos Orb. I used it, flipped it and wiped most of his board. Unsurprisingly, that only worked once and only because everyone present thought it was hilarious.
My DM on Battleminds:
no, see i can kill defenders, but 8 consecutive crits on a battlemind, eh walk it off.
144543765 wrote:
195392035 wrote:
Hi guys! So, I'm a sort of returning player to Magic. I say sort of because as a child I had two main TCG's I liked. Yu-Gi-Oh, and Pokemon. Some of my friends branched off in to Magic, and I bought two pre-made decks just to kind of fit in. Like I said, Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon were what I really knew how to play. I have a extensive knowledge of deck building in those two TCG's. However, as far as Magic is concerned, I only ever used those two pre made decks. I know how the game is played, and I know general things, but now I want to get in the game for real. I want to begin playing it as a regular. My question is, are all cards ever released from the time of the inception of this game until present day fair game in a deck? Or are there special rules? Are some cards forbidden or restricted? Thanks guys, and I will gladly accept ANY help lol.
I have the same problem with women.
117639611 wrote:
198869283 wrote:
Oh I have a standing rule. If someone plays a Planeswalker I concede the game. I refuse to play with or against people who play Planeswalkers. They really did ruin the game.
A turn two Tibalt win?! Wicked... Betcha don't see that everyday.

The Pony Co. 

Is this my new ego sig? Yes it is, other Barry
57461258 wrote:
And that's why you should never, ever call RP Jesus on being a troll, because then everyone else playing along gets outed, too, and the thread goes back to being boring.
57461258 wrote:
See, this is why RPJesus should be in charge of the storyline. The novel line would never have been cancelled if he had been running the show. Specifically the Slobad and Geth's Head talkshow he just described.
57461258 wrote:
Not only was that an obligatory joke, it was an on-topic post that still managed to be off-topic due to thread derailment. RP Jesus does it again folks.
92481331 wrote:
I think I'm gonna' start praying to Jesus... That's right, RPJesus, I'm gonna' be praying to you, right now. O' Jesus Please continue to make my time here on the forums fun and cause me to chuckle. Amen.
92481331 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
It was wonderful. Us Johnnies had a field day. That Timmy with the Grizzly bears would actually have to think about swinging into your Mogg Fanatic, giving you time to set up your silly combo. Nowadays it's all DERPSWING! with thier blue jeans and their MP3 players and their EM EM OH AR PEE JEES and their "Dewmocracy" and their children's card games and their Jersey Shores and their Tattooed Tenaged Vampire Hunters from Beverly Hills
Seriously, that was amazing. I laughed my *ss off. Made my day, and I just woke up.
[quote=ArtVenn You're still one of my favorite people... just sayin'.[/quote]
56756068 wrote:
56786788 wrote:
.....would it be a bit blasphemous if I said, "PRAYSE RPJAYSUS!" like an Evangelical preacher?
Perhaps, but who doesn't like to blaspheme every now and again? Especially when Mr. RPJesus is completely right.
56756068 wrote:
I don't say this often, but ... LOL
57526128 wrote:
You... You... Evil something... I actualy made the damn char once I saw the poster... Now you made me see it again and I gained resolve to put it into my campaign. Shell be high standing oficial of Cyrix order. Uterly mad and only slightly evil. And it'll be bad. Evil even. And ill blame you and Lizard for it :P.
57042968 wrote:
111809331 wrote:
I'm trying to work out if you're being sarcastic here. ...
Am going to stop you right there... it's RPJesus... he's always sarcastic
58335208 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
112114441 wrote:
we can only hope it gets the jace treatment...it could have at least been legendary
So that even the decks that don't run it run it to deal with it? Isn't that like the definition of format warping?
I lol'd.
56287226 wrote:
98088088 wrote:
Uktabi Orangutan What the heck's going on with those monkeys?
The most common answer is that they are what RPJesus would call "[Debutantes avert your eyes]ing."
56965458 wrote:
Show
57461258 wrote:
116498949 wrote:
I’ve removed content from this thread because off-topic discussions are a violation of the Code of Conduct. You can review the Code here: www.wizards.com/Company/About.aspx?x=wz_... Please keep your posts polite, on-topic, and refrain from making personal attacks. You are welcome to disagree with one another but please do so respectfully and constructively. If you wish to report a post for Code of Conduct violation, click on the “Report Post” button above the post and this will submit your report to the moderators on duty.
...Am I the only one that thinks this is reaching the point of downright Kafkaesque insanity?
I condone the use of the word Kafkaesque. However, I'm presentely ambivalent. I mean, that can't be serious, right? We're April 1st, right? They didn't mod RPJesus for off-topic discussion when the WHOLE THREAD IS OFF-TOPIC, right? Right.
57545908 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
Save or die. If you disagree with this, you're wrong (Not because of any points or arguements that have been made, but I just rolled a d20 for you and got a 1, so you lose).
58397368 wrote:
58222628 wrote:
This just won the argument, AFAIC.
That's just awesome.
57471038 wrote:
57718868 wrote:
HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THE BEAR PRODUCING WORDS OF WILDING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
That's what RPJesus tends to do. That's why I don't think he's a real person, but some Magic Card Archive Server sort of machine, that is programmed to react to other posters' comments with obscure cards that do in fact exist, but somehow missed by even the most experienced Magic players. And then come up with strange combos with said cards. All of that is impossible for a normal human to do given the amount of time he does it and how often he does it. He/It got me with Light of Sanction, which prompted me to go to RQ&A to try and find if it was even possible to do combat damage to a creature I control (in light that Mark of Asylum exists).
71235715 wrote:
+10
100176878 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
57078538 wrote:
heaven or hell.
Round 1. Lets rock.
GG quotes! RPJesus just made this thread win!
56906968 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
143359585 wrote:
Blue players get all the overpowerered cards like JTMS. I think it's time that wizards gave something to people who remember what magic is really about: creatures.
Initially yes, Wizards was married to blue. However, about a decade ago they had a nasty divorce, and a few years after that they began courting the attention of Green. Then in Worldwake they had a nasty affair with their ex, but as of Innistrad, things seem to have gotten back on track, and Wizards has even proposed.
You are my favorite. Yes you. And moments like this make it so. Thank you RPJesus for just being you.
On what flavor text fits me:
57307308 wrote:
Surely RPJesus gets Niv-Mizzet, Dracogenius?
56874518 wrote:
First: I STILL can't take you seriously with that avatar. And I can take RPJesus seriously, so that's saying something.
121689989 wrote:
I'd offer you a cookie for making me laugh but it has an Upkeep Cost that has been known to cause people to quit eating.
56267956 wrote:
I <3 you loads
57400888 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
"AINT NO LAWS IN THE SKY MOTHER****." - Agrus Kos, Wojek Veteran
10/10. Amazing.
First time the group encountered zombies.

Zombie successfully grabs the warlock, in which the warlock protests.

Warlock (OOC): Aw dangit, now I have to escape his grab don't I? It's reflex is probably really high isn't it?

I exchanged some looks with the other players.

Me: Um... ZOMBIE

---------

The group encounters some non-hostile gnolls, whom are only speaking abyssal, which only the warlock knows.

While the warlock is speaking with the gnolls, the paladin pipes up.

Paladin: Since I can not understand what they are saying, I shall dance for them to transcend the language barrier!

The paladin is covered head to toe with zombie guts, and other various goo. So as the paladin is dancing, the goo is flying around, I warn the paladin that this is happening and the gnolls are becoming agitated.

Paladin: *still dancing* Is the dancing working?

Warlock: *rolls a bluff* Keep the dancing up, they really like it! *takes a step back*

Rogue: Ugh, I don't know you *starts to walk away*

The paladin rolled an insight vs the bluff, but failed it was 29 vs 31, so it was close. The gnolls soon attacked the paladin.
What is the orange helmet with green visor? I feel like I'm just missing the reference. Also, it looks like we have two sequels: http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=1107486 Could we consider merging them?

Anyway, I'll still contribute.

"This is going to be one of those games, isn't it?" One player asked this as we begin planning for a homebrew Transformers campaign, and the cast includes a kung-fu ostrich and motor unicycle. (I'm the ostrich).

"And one thing I learned in the alpha testing: never let the players near a canonical NPC when they're close to earning a "Yes-I-Can Token." The GM, explaining the rules. You can trade in 5 touch points (action points) to just declare any action a success (where an action may involve a series of rolls). In the alpha test, the 5-foot tall robot flipped Megatron over his back, into Starscream, through a space portal, and in the direction of a black hole. In the beta test, the medic used an operating tool to remove Megatron's Spark. Which then led to this one: "Give me that! *shink*" That was the sound of an enemy stealing the spark extractor and putting Megatron's "soul" back.
Mainly tagging this, but some lines from a freeform RP on a forum;

"My life is in the hands of a man who can only think about tabbies. Great."

And then much later;

"'Crazy's not contagious. You really are insane, aren't you?'
OOC: Don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby."

And, on a different tangent, my own charrie; "I condone the construction of anything with the word 'siege' in it's name."

Even a siege tabby? Someday you gotta tell me about the tabby! (My current campaign has a wizard who's fond of tabbies because the player has an ST (Significant Tabby) in his life...)
The PCs were quested to kill a Dragon that was plaguing the village.

Mayor: Did you kill the Dragon?

To the Mayor: Of course we killed the Dragon. How do you think we got it's treasure. (As a dark and foreboding shadow passes overhead)
Even a siege tabby? Someday you gotta tell me about the tabby! (My current campaign has a wizard who's fond of tabbies because the player has an ST (Significant Tabby) in his life...)

Actually that was about the extent of it, other than the conversation surrounding them;
DM: there are strange seems-like patterens in the wall of a different color and texture than usual.
Me: I poke them.
PC: I go over to rosque. "Need a prod, too? Do you ever think about what might happen when you instigate strange things?"
Me: "Oh, I think about it. But then I get bored and think about cats instead. I like tabbies. So, you have any dream sequences and/or memories of life outside this place?"
PC: I hold my head in my hands for a moment, then look up. "My life is in the hands of a guy who can only think about tabbies. great."
Me: "That's not true. I can think about all kinds of cats. Tabbies just happen to be one of my favorites. And it's been working out so far. Any thoughts on this weird bit of the wall?"
-------------------------------------
PC: "Come on! Only Rosque is the crazy one!"
Me:"Well, maybe it's contagious."
PC: "Craziness isn't contagious! You really are insane, aren't you?"

Ooc: Don't mention tabby. Don't mention tabby.
Me:"I wouldn't say I'm insane. Perhaps a bit more preocupied with calico cats than normal."
OOC: I didn't mention tabbies :D
-----------------------------------
Also, I'm just proud of working this into the dialogue
Me: "Well, if and when those situations come, I'll have your back."
NPC: "no matter what?"
Me: "Of course. Who the hell do you think I am?"

Zammm = Batman.

It's my sig in a box
58280208 wrote:
Everything is better when you read it in Bane's voice.
192334281 wrote:
Your human antics and desire to continue living have moved me. Just kidding. You cannot move me physically or emotionally. Wall humor.
57092228 wrote:
Copy effects work like a photocopy machine: you get a copy of the 'naked' card, NOT of what's on it.
56995928 wrote:
Funny story: InQuest Magazine (I think it was InQuest) had an oversized Chaos Orb which I totally rooked someone into allowing into a (non-sanctioned) game. I had a proxy card that was a Mountain with "Chaos Orb" written on it. When I played it, my opponent cried foul: Him: "WTF? a Proxy? no-one said anything about Proxies. Do you even own an actual Chaos Orb?" Me: "Yes, but I thought it would be better to use a Proxy." Him: "No way. If you're going to put a Chaos Orb in your deck you have to use your actual Chaos Orb." Me: "*Sigh*. Okay." I pulled out this huge Chaos Orb and placed it on the table. He tried to cry foul again but everyone else said he insisted I use my actual Chaos Orb and that was my actual Chaos Orb. I used it, flipped it and wiped most of his board. Unsurprisingly, that only worked once and only because everyone present thought it was hilarious.
My DM on Battleminds:
no, see i can kill defenders, but 8 consecutive crits on a battlemind, eh walk it off.
144543765 wrote:
195392035 wrote:
Hi guys! So, I'm a sort of returning player to Magic. I say sort of because as a child I had two main TCG's I liked. Yu-Gi-Oh, and Pokemon. Some of my friends branched off in to Magic, and I bought two pre-made decks just to kind of fit in. Like I said, Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon were what I really knew how to play. I have a extensive knowledge of deck building in those two TCG's. However, as far as Magic is concerned, I only ever used those two pre made decks. I know how the game is played, and I know general things, but now I want to get in the game for real. I want to begin playing it as a regular. My question is, are all cards ever released from the time of the inception of this game until present day fair game in a deck? Or are there special rules? Are some cards forbidden or restricted? Thanks guys, and I will gladly accept ANY help lol.
I have the same problem with women.
117639611 wrote:
198869283 wrote:
Oh I have a standing rule. If someone plays a Planeswalker I concede the game. I refuse to play with or against people who play Planeswalkers. They really did ruin the game.
A turn two Tibalt win?! Wicked... Betcha don't see that everyday.

The Pony Co. 

Is this my new ego sig? Yes it is, other Barry
57461258 wrote:
And that's why you should never, ever call RP Jesus on being a troll, because then everyone else playing along gets outed, too, and the thread goes back to being boring.
57461258 wrote:
See, this is why RPJesus should be in charge of the storyline. The novel line would never have been cancelled if he had been running the show. Specifically the Slobad and Geth's Head talkshow he just described.
57461258 wrote:
Not only was that an obligatory joke, it was an on-topic post that still managed to be off-topic due to thread derailment. RP Jesus does it again folks.
92481331 wrote:
I think I'm gonna' start praying to Jesus... That's right, RPJesus, I'm gonna' be praying to you, right now. O' Jesus Please continue to make my time here on the forums fun and cause me to chuckle. Amen.
92481331 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
It was wonderful. Us Johnnies had a field day. That Timmy with the Grizzly bears would actually have to think about swinging into your Mogg Fanatic, giving you time to set up your silly combo. Nowadays it's all DERPSWING! with thier blue jeans and their MP3 players and their EM EM OH AR PEE JEES and their "Dewmocracy" and their children's card games and their Jersey Shores and their Tattooed Tenaged Vampire Hunters from Beverly Hills
Seriously, that was amazing. I laughed my *ss off. Made my day, and I just woke up.
[quote=ArtVenn You're still one of my favorite people... just sayin'.[/quote]
56756068 wrote:
56786788 wrote:
.....would it be a bit blasphemous if I said, "PRAYSE RPJAYSUS!" like an Evangelical preacher?
Perhaps, but who doesn't like to blaspheme every now and again? Especially when Mr. RPJesus is completely right.
56756068 wrote:
I don't say this often, but ... LOL
57526128 wrote:
You... You... Evil something... I actualy made the damn char once I saw the poster... Now you made me see it again and I gained resolve to put it into my campaign. Shell be high standing oficial of Cyrix order. Uterly mad and only slightly evil. And it'll be bad. Evil even. And ill blame you and Lizard for it :P.
57042968 wrote:
111809331 wrote:
I'm trying to work out if you're being sarcastic here. ...
Am going to stop you right there... it's RPJesus... he's always sarcastic
58335208 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
112114441 wrote:
we can only hope it gets the jace treatment...it could have at least been legendary
So that even the decks that don't run it run it to deal with it? Isn't that like the definition of format warping?
I lol'd.
56287226 wrote:
98088088 wrote:
Uktabi Orangutan What the heck's going on with those monkeys?
The most common answer is that they are what RPJesus would call "[Debutantes avert your eyes]ing."
56965458 wrote:
Show
57461258 wrote:
116498949 wrote:
I’ve removed content from this thread because off-topic discussions are a violation of the Code of Conduct. You can review the Code here: www.wizards.com/Company/About.aspx?x=wz_... Please keep your posts polite, on-topic, and refrain from making personal attacks. You are welcome to disagree with one another but please do so respectfully and constructively. If you wish to report a post for Code of Conduct violation, click on the “Report Post” button above the post and this will submit your report to the moderators on duty.
...Am I the only one that thinks this is reaching the point of downright Kafkaesque insanity?
I condone the use of the word Kafkaesque. However, I'm presentely ambivalent. I mean, that can't be serious, right? We're April 1st, right? They didn't mod RPJesus for off-topic discussion when the WHOLE THREAD IS OFF-TOPIC, right? Right.
57545908 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
Save or die. If you disagree with this, you're wrong (Not because of any points or arguements that have been made, but I just rolled a d20 for you and got a 1, so you lose).
58397368 wrote:
58222628 wrote:
This just won the argument, AFAIC.
That's just awesome.
57471038 wrote:
57718868 wrote:
HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THE BEAR PRODUCING WORDS OF WILDING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
That's what RPJesus tends to do. That's why I don't think he's a real person, but some Magic Card Archive Server sort of machine, that is programmed to react to other posters' comments with obscure cards that do in fact exist, but somehow missed by even the most experienced Magic players. And then come up with strange combos with said cards. All of that is impossible for a normal human to do given the amount of time he does it and how often he does it. He/It got me with Light of Sanction, which prompted me to go to RQ&A to try and find if it was even possible to do combat damage to a creature I control (in light that Mark of Asylum exists).
71235715 wrote:
+10
100176878 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
57078538 wrote:
heaven or hell.
Round 1. Lets rock.
GG quotes! RPJesus just made this thread win!
56906968 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
143359585 wrote:
Blue players get all the overpowerered cards like JTMS. I think it's time that wizards gave something to people who remember what magic is really about: creatures.
Initially yes, Wizards was married to blue. However, about a decade ago they had a nasty divorce, and a few years after that they began courting the attention of Green. Then in Worldwake they had a nasty affair with their ex, but as of Innistrad, things seem to have gotten back on track, and Wizards has even proposed.
You are my favorite. Yes you. And moments like this make it so. Thank you RPJesus for just being you.
On what flavor text fits me:
57307308 wrote:
Surely RPJesus gets Niv-Mizzet, Dracogenius?
56874518 wrote:
First: I STILL can't take you seriously with that avatar. And I can take RPJesus seriously, so that's saying something.
121689989 wrote:
I'd offer you a cookie for making me laugh but it has an Upkeep Cost that has been known to cause people to quit eating.
56267956 wrote:
I <3 you loads
57400888 wrote:
56957928 wrote:
"AINT NO LAWS IN THE SKY MOTHER****." - Agrus Kos, Wojek Veteran
10/10. Amazing.
Ah, to the end of an age... I think it will one day be a badge of honor, to have one's screen name in the first Best lines ever thread..
Ah, to the end of an age... I think it will one day be a badge of honor, to have one's screen name in the first Best lines ever thread..

Ha-ha! I have a badge! Eat that newbies!
Ha-ha! I have a badge! Eat that newbies!

So do I. In fact, I have the final one.

Anyway, some one-liners & two-liners from last summer:

"All of a sudden, Jack's pants magically fall."
"I hate prestidigitation."

"The raiders storm in and kill Thaird, then leave."
"WHAT!?!?!"

"Shut up, or i'll punt you."

"What?!? You didn't even ask him his name?!?"
(This line happened multiple times. Our DM tortured us because we forgot to ask the name of the old man who gathered us and sent us on our quest."
Probably one of the greatest shows of optimism ever:

My low-magic world where the players have to travel everywhere on foot or by horse. No teleportation magic. They're camped up in the wizard's Rope Trick sleeping soundly, in the middle of a hostile wood.

Damn shame they left their horses unattended.....

I rolled an encounter table, 3 dire bears roar out of the woods, and start raping the horses with much gusto, sticking claws and fangs through ribs and eyesockets, tearing them to shreds. The PCs all spill from the rope trick, trying to save their rides. A bloody, drawn out battle ensues. They fail.

The dwarven fighter, played by a guy brand new to DnD, had every single thing possible on his character sheet. String, a mirror, waxpaper, you frigging name it, his 19 str. dwarf had it. So he pulls out his spade (never used before in the game) and digs a giant grave for the 5 dead horses.

So there they are that game-morning, trudging through the woods on foot, weeks from anywhere civilized, not saying anything, I'm narrating the rain and gloom, and they players are all looking at me with downcast eyes. The dwarf chimes in:

"Hey, at least I got to use my shovel!" :D
So my group finally encountered a group of female drow that had been putting a serious cramp in our adventuring. It's going to be a tough fight, we know it, and the mood is tense. Most of us know all about drow and are worried about the outcome.

We walk in the room where the Matron is waiting with her priestess daughters. Before we get more then a few steps into the room our dwarf barbarian charges across the room, power attacks, and drops the Matron with a critical.

Both sides stand stunned as he raises his axe above his head and screams

"NOW I'M THE MATRON!!!"
I actually have a couple. The first one is from my first game I ever played.

Our party was fighting a giant, and my turn rolled around. At the time I was playing a halfling rogue.

Me: I roll between it's legs, so I can get behind it.
DM: Ok, roll a tumble check.
Me: I roll a 1 *face hits table*
DM: You get half way through and *roll* the giants ***** falls on you.
Group:


This second one was with the same group, different adventure. One of our players like to play his characters as stupid as he possibly could. He was playing a halfling at one point. His halfling got the rest of the party into numerous fights with townspeople, and tried to hurt us more than our enemies. The events went like this.

Me: I go and spend half my money on a Heavy wooden box, and the biggest horse I can find to drag it along.
DM: Ok, now what are you doing with the box
Me: I'm putting the damn halfling in it and locking it.

I roll for grapple and finally with some aid get the squealing and flailing halfling into the box and lock it, then tie it to the saddle on the horse with the rope I had.

Halfling: I headbutt the inside of the box to try and break free.
DM: Ok, roll for attack
Halfling: Ummm....1
DM: (Dumbfounded by the whole thing) I'm not sure what die I should use for damage. Roll your base attack damage.
Halfling: 17
DM: You are unconcious, with a heavy gash in your forehead. The rest of the party hears a dull thud, but pass it off as the box hitting a rock. *Hands player a new character sheet*
And now, for the continuing adventures of Elven Ranger Sharpshooter Vanador and Dragonborn Paladin of the Raven Queen Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!

[Previous Adventure Notes can be found hereand here.]

---------------------------------------------------

DM (Me): Your arrow hits the Gnoll in the stomach. It crumbles up and falls to the ground.
Dimitry: Crumbles? As in, into crumbs?
Vanador: I think he meant 'Crumples'. Unless we're fighting cookie-men.
Dimitry: (sing-song voice) Plooooot-twiiiiiiiiiiiist...
DM: *shame*

---------------------------------------------------

DM: A pleasant, elderly woman in a silk bonnet walks up to you as you're preparing to leave.
Dimitry: (Eyes go wide in fear; he's gamed with me before) POWER ATTACK!!!

Vanador talks him out of it, and they go to the old woman's cottage for tea and divinations. After their talk...

Woman: It was so nice to sit and talk to you nice boys.
Vanador: Thank you, the tea was delicious.
Woman: Yes. Now, I believe you are going to kill me.
D+V: ...?
Woman: Well, after you figure out that my powers come from drinking the blood of innocent children, I do expect our conversation to go down hill rather quickly.
Dimitry: *glances angrily at Vanador* POWER ATTACK!!!

----------------------------------------------------

Speaking to a Death Cultist NPC who had recently taken part in a botched dark ritual...

Vanador: OK. You ripped a gateway to Hell, killed half the town, and raised the dead as feral zombies. We're going to kill you. But it can go two ways. We want you to run as fast as you possibly can toward the south of the town to draw the Zombies to you, and right before they catch you, I'll put an arrow through your head to end it instantly. If you don't agree to do this, we'll tie you this building and let the Zombies rip you apart slowly.
Dimitry: God I love being Neutral.

-----------------------------------------------------

Vanador: Go talk to the guards.
Dimitry: What? I don't want to talk to the guards.
Vanador: WHAT?!?!? You're a Paladin, you have Diplomacy, Charisma, and they're DRAGONBORN!!! Go talk to the guards.
Dimitry: *sigh* Fine, but this is under protest. *walks up to guards* ...'Sup.
DM+Vanador: *shame*

----------------------------------------------------

DM: So, you're on the road. What do you want to do on the way?
Dimitry: Hm? Oh, nothing really.
DM: ...Nothing?
Dimitry: *shakes head* No, not really.
DM: You... Don't want to talk to the captain of the elite strike force who saved you from the Deathjump spiders? Ask her about her clan's history?
Dimitry: No, I'm good.
Vanador: C'mon man, he has his notes out, he obviously has plot he wants to get out, throw him a bone.
Dimitry: Fine! *exagerated cough* So! Tell me about your clan history!
DM: Happy to oblige! You see, our clan was officially adopted into the City population after we helped repel an invasion of the Horde, about 100 years-
Dimitry: OK, exposition achieved, next!
DM: *rage*

-------------------------------------------------------

DM: The War Devil stands with two Succubi concubines flanking on either side and a retinue of four Legion Devils standing around him.
Dimitry: We're two Level 4 Martial characters. Knowledge Religion on the big guy to see how much we're f***ed.
*rolls high*
DM: Pretty hardcore f***ed.
Dimitry: Oh damn.
War Devil: Heroes, I admire your courage, and will offer you a deal.
Vanador: With the Devil, as it were.
War Devil: Yes, now shut up. I will allow you, and all the survivors in this city to leave alive from my undead force, if you can defeat five of my men in combat.
Dimitry: How do we know we can trust you? Wait. Are you a Demon or a Devil?
War Devil: ...I'm a Devil.
Dimitry: OK, I trust you. Deal.

The four Legion Devils attack, and the fight is harder than it ought to be due to hateful dice. Vanador and Dimitry are panting and bloodied afterward.

War Devil: *laughs* Good show! The fifth Devil you must defeat, is myself.
Dimitry: Oh ******* ******* ** ****** ***** ******* **.
Vanador: Wait! This must be plot! DEUS EX MACHINA, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?

-------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned next week for more adventures of Vanador and Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!
Susann, I was actually laughing out loud (a rare occurrence, well done!).

This isn't so much a funny line, but a hilarious experience for a fresh group that isn't used to a game not being bound by limits.

My group is still really new to D&D, and are constantly asking if they're allowed to try something. I have a pretty good poker face, and repeatedly tell them they can try anything they want.

So they're at a large wood gate with some iron bands to reinforce it. There's a few openings in it for the goblins on the other side to shoot through.

Show
Dragonborn Paladin: Can I try to light the door on fire and see if it breaks?
Me: You can try.
-rolls a high number, I allow the door to be on fire-
Fighter: Can I try to push the door down?
Me: You can try, but you'll probably take fire damage.
Fighter: Okay!
-proceeds to roll a crit on the check, while taking minimal fire damage-
Me: Alright, you pin a goblin who was caught by surprise, he takes x fire damage.
Ranger: Can he be seen through any of the holes?
Me: Yes, the upper part of his torso is visible through a hole.
Ranger: Can I like, jump up there and shoot him through the hole?
Me: You can try, but keep in mind your leaping on a burning door.
Ranger: Will I provoke an opportunity attack [by using a ranged attack at melee range]?
Me: He's under a flaming door. I'll rule no.
-leaps on the door, Twin Strikes with his bow, crits one and hits on the other-
Ranger: So is he dead?
-I check the sheet-
Me: He was dead 15 damage ago.

It was the groups first real time of coming close to role-playing, and I was darn proud that they got so creative. The success of their little venture there has since given them the desire to be more creative in their adventures (including the dwarf fighter leaping into a pit and crushing a prone orc beneath him).
What is the orange helmet with green visor? I feel like I'm just missing the reference. Also, it looks like we have two sequels: http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=1107486 Could we consider merging them?

It was Samus' helmet (from the Metroid series where the Chozo come from). ;)

And yes, if the two threads could be merged by a moderator or admin, that would be great. Looks like I was creating this thread at exactly the same time as the other thread creator.
Our group of daring heroes - a wizard, her sarcastic familiar, a sharpshooter and a cute fighter on a permanent sugar high - made it to ancient China (of a sort). After a hectic battle we were surrounded by a bunch of unsavoury henchmen and their midboss...

The midboss, sauve as he is, smiles:

DM "Put down your arms and you won't be armed!"
Familar "He's right. We won't be armed."

General snickering

DM "-_-"

The wizard then casts a spell and detaches both her arms. Melodrama ensues...

Wizard "I'm not armed. Please~ have mercy"

More snickering.

DM "Screw this. Shoot them!"
DM: "An elf isnt going to do a dragon lady..."
Drunken Dwarf: "how about me?"
And yes, if the two threads could be merged by a moderator or admin, that would be great. Looks like I was creating this thread at exactly the same time as the other thread creator.

I've already put in the request.

John Ling

Lead Pathfinder Developer for Frog God Games

DMPC: Get Back! Get Back!
4 Players in unison: You dont know me like that!

the DM looked so befuddled
I've already put in the request.

Thank you, Zherog.
We have a bugbear ranger in the party, using a large crossbow. We have for some time been debating the sheer size of the bolts it must be firing.
DM: So they're really like amsterdammertjes (IMAGE(http://www.members.lycos.nl/creajomela/PuntNlAmsterdammertje.jpg)).
Me: Get shot in the face more than once, and you truly have a bycicle rack.
this one is from a 3.5 spelljammer game homebrewed to perfection.

Grazz't: Forgive me if I don't trust you.
Crimson Gunner: Trust me. The feeling is mutual.
WHY IN THE NINE HELLS DID THEY CLOSE THE OLD THREAD:headexplo !!!!????

On topic now. Ok, my group consists of my character, a DMPC elf ranger, a dwarf cleric, and a genasi wizard. Until recently, we had an obnoxious eladrin swordmage too.

Ok, so we're fighting an orcish raiding party after the fall of a dwarven stronghold (due to a hobgoblin army and a few tribes of orc mercenaries).

Orc Berserker: 'Allo, eladrin. Ready ta die? *pulls out an axe*
Swordmage: Oh, so you wanna go, huh? Well, I've got plenty here for you! *flashes orc*
Carric (ranger): Jack***
DM: AoO. *rolls* Crit. Ok, you just got castrated .
Rest of Group:

He then got bull rushed three times, fell 4 squares, and another orc jumped down and finished him.
Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne! Resident Invisible Man Lurker in the House of Trolls A Testament to My Glory
By our DM in character, when asking our bar owner contact about information:
"Well buddy... I don't have the information yet, it's been difficult to track down when you're trying to be all cloak and dagger but in the mean time..." (they guy i wanted info about just passed by us pretty close) "... how about some.. uh.. pie! Yeah, pie! Pie is good, pie is delicious and unlike some things... pie does not disappoint!"
At the beginning of an adventure. i was a new homebrew race with monkey feet(elf) and he was a type of creature that is based off of Red Foxes:

Me: I suddenly appear from the forest, and walk toward the town.
Him(to me): "Could you show me where the Inn is?"
Me: "Sure I was planning on finding some nice wine there..." I proceed to walk back into the forest.
WHY IN THE NINE HELLS DID THEY CLOSE THE OLD THREAD:headexplo !!!!????

Oh, I don't know - maybe the fact that it was near a hundred-fifty pages and five-and-a-half thousand posts? If you read the last post you'd know that they appear to have had trouble (undefined, but there you go) with large topics in the past, so it was decided to close the topic due to its size. But you'd actually have to have read the post in question: http://forums.gleemax.com/showpost.php?p=17154935&postcount=5448
3. No one ever expects you to dodge towards them. Avoid: death by Christian pilebunker. Akiha > Akiha Vermillion > Ryougi Shiki > White Len > Len > Sion > Sion Tatari > Hisui > Kohaku > Satsuki > Arcueid > Aoko > Red Arcueid > Mech-Hisui > Ciel > Miyako. *Shamelessly stolen from Mrcelsius ... minus a couple* I want the mouseover thread previews back. I want the awesome, varied, non-generic smileys back. I want the 'most recent post' to be specific to forum, not category. I want to lose the burning pink eyesores on every thread I've ever glanced at. I want to be able to look back at previous posts in the thread while I'm writing my reply. I want edited posts to indicate that they were edited and when to prevent confusion and chicanery. I want to be able to set a background that doesn't just sit behind the blinding white I'm trying to get rid of. I want a thread subscription page that isn't hidden in preferences and tells me when subscribed threads have new content.
DM: So they're really like amsterdammertjes

Frikadel-shooter beats that. :P

And I like how upon the merging of the two threads that were simultaneously created after the closure of the old topic, my thread's chosen name prevailed as the topic title. xD
We'd just been surprised-attacked by a vampire in a dungeon chamber, and noticed a jar of green, glowing ooze on the other side of the dead vampire's coffin.

DM: You recognize it as the escaped soul of a lich.
Rogue: So, should I drink it?
Just this weekend, playing my campaign based on the Keep of the Shadowfell village Winterhaven.

The (not-so) brief exposition:
After a long and hard late-night fight against a large and horrible undead creature, that raised badly rotted zombies and making them explode in the players' faces on several occasions, they return to the village intent on reporting their "success" to the town lord.
However, the guards refuse to let them past the inner gate due to a) The administrator being asleep by now and b) For having a stench of rotting corpses on them, to put it mildly. After bickering with the guards for a while, failing several Diplomacy and Bluff checks, the dwarf of the group gets tired of the argument.

Dwarf: Fine! I'll wait right here until he wakes up, then!
Guard (me): Go have a bath and come back tomorrow. Then I'm sure the lord will be happy to see you about your "important" business.
Dwarf (ooc): I'm a dwarf, by my honor I'll wait here!
Dwarf (ic): By my honor I will stand here all night and stink! Do you want to smell this all night?!

Game breakdown ensues.
[Nyt] 11:52 am: I just dropped a 3 musketerr and picked it up w/ my foot is it safe to eat?
[fliprushman] 11:52 am: lol
[TheMagicalMick] 11:52 am: Depends on how hungry you are.
[Nyt] 11:52 am: that is perfect Mick...
[Tedronai] 11:52 am: and yes, Nyt, it is, if you're immune to fungal infections
[fliprushman] 11:52 am: eat it and if you get sick, then no it wasn't
[Nyt] 11:53 am: trial and error! I like it!
[Nyt] 11:53 am: I am eating it in 5 4
[Nyt] 11:53 am: 3
[fliprushman] 11:53 am: lol the only way to learn
[Nyt] 11:53 am: 2
[Nyt] 11:53 am: 1
[Tempest Fennac] 11:53 am: o,O
[Nyt] 11:53 am: .5
[Tedronai] 11:53 am: mostly error
[Nyt] 11:53 am: .4
[Nyt] 11:54 am: .3
[Dizzy-chan] 11:54 am: NO!!!
[Nyt] 11:54 am: .2
[Tedronai] 11:54 am: eat, already
[fliprushman] 11:54 am: I bet it's already in his mouth, he's just pulling our chain
[Nyt] 11:54 am: I did. 30 seconds before i asked if it was safe....
[Tedronai] 11:54 am: nice job
[Nyt] 11:54 am:
Early 90's, 2nd edition game. I'm playing a halfling thief named Bobbin Warmburrow. My friend Stevo is playing a monk who'd recently picked up a Cloak of the Bat. We reach a chasm in the dungeon and need to see what's on the other side, so the monk offers to give me a ride. As I go flying across the chasm on his back, our friend Carmen deadpans ...

"Look. It's Bat-monk and Bobbin."

The ensuing laughter stopped the game for a good five minutes.

Carmen was very Silent Bob-like with her humor, the rare times she said something comical it was usually incredible. It's not gaming-related, but we used to have our own Mystery Science Theater nights, picking a movie and ridiculing it. One night, we committed the blasphemy of MST'ing Star Wars. Carmen was quiet most of the night, then in the Death Star trench run we heard ...

Dialogue: "Luke! Pull out!"
Carmen: "She's your sister!"
Not quite D&D but funny:
Me: You know, Relativism was disproved by Plato.
Grey: My hair is a bird and your argument is invalid.

Do I need explain?
Is it even logically possible to explain?
I'd say no on both accounts.
Just one really good exchange this time (mostly due to some serious plot derailing complete with discussion on familial reconciliation through arson (hopefully more next week on this subject)), on the continuing adventures of Vanador and Dimitry of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic:

------------------------------------------

Vanador: Tell me how many reinforcements you have? *Intimidate, Pass*
Warrior NPC: ...Two score.
Vanador: Damn, 40 more of them.
Warrior: Wait, what? A score's a dozen, right?
Vanador: No, a score's 20.
Dimitry: I thought it was 13, or 15.
Vanador: No, that's a BAKER'S dozen. And 15. Just 15.
Warrior: What's 14 again?
Vanador: ...Are you talking about a fortnight?
Warrior: Yes, that's it!
Dimitry: We're being attacked by two fortnights?
Vanador: No, by two score!
Dimitry: Which is 40. Or 24. Or possibly February.
Vanador: It's 40 men.
Warrior: No it's not.
Vanador: *exasperated sigh, turns to Warrior* OK, so! We can all agree that we're being attacked, by more Warriors, numbering somewhere between 24 and 40, right?
Warrior: ...Yyyyyyyyyes, yes that's right.
Vanador: Thank you! *slits Warrior's throat* Moving on.

---------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for next week's adventure, when our heroes fight brainwashed Warforged, beat up an old man and dear friend, and reunite an estranged father with his son by burning down his store with him inside (long story).
This one happened some months ago. I was playing an Elf Ninja 8/Scout 5, another was going Human Cleric 13, the third was Half-Orc Barb 8/Warblade 5 (With low Int and Wis) and the last was a Rabbit-Man (one of my homebrew races that boosts Cha) Sorcerer 13. We were captured by a large tribe of lizard-men and taken before their chief/elder/leader/whatever. Naturally, they were suspicious of us because, well, we didn't exactly fit in. There fore, the chief ordered a Candle of Truth be brought. As the candle was being lit, the lizard who lit it was going into this monologue:

Lizard Shaman: "This Candle shines it gaze on all who would dare lie to our great chief. May the Light of Truth shine upon all, so you our chief may s..."
Barb: *blows out candle*.
Stunned silence for about 10 or so seconds.
Ninja (Me):...ghost step.

Yeah, we all got killed.
From a (homebrewed) Exalted Game:

One of our number is a member of the Divine Court, holding the title as Middle Finger [the God who judges mortals]. Some people are trying to make him give up his title in exchange for a Coatl (which we weren't all that interested in...). The discussion had gone on for a while.
Me: "So, let me get this straight. You'll give us a winged-snake thing, that we have no way of knowing if it would attack us on sight. And in exchange you want the Finger?"
DM: "Yes"
*The whole table puts up the middle finger in the DMs direction*
DM: "Okay, they leave."

No explanation necessary:
"So you're pretty useless as a Death God, aren't ya?"

This one requires a bit of explanation. One of our number [Logos] is the patron of knowledge and architecture and had been visiting one of our number in his palace and remarked: "Well the supporting wall there *points* won't last three years like this."
Later on, a Coatl had (mysteriously) materialised in his throneroom and a fight had ensued. A lot of property damage had occured.
Logos: "At least I was right. That wall definitely didn't last three years."
*Pause*
*Everybody laughs*

From a Dark Heresy game:
DM: "So, did you buy equipment?"
Arbiter: "Sure, just had a bit of trouble buying enough ammo."
DM: "Well, it's-"
Arbiter: "18 Thrones per shot for my shotgun..."
DM: "Wait... what? It's like 1 or 2, I think" *flips open book* "Here, look!"
Arbiter: "Oh, that's normal shells. I'm using Infernal Shells."
DM: "..."
Me: "Infernal Shells? What do they do?"
Arbiter: "Light people on fire"
Me: "Cool."

Later on, when an attacker had tried to steal something we were supposed to collect from a contact, he was fleeing into the masses on the street.
Arbiter: "I fire a warning shot into the air and tell everybody to get down."
DM: "Okay, you get a clear shot for a moment"
Arbiter: "I fire my other barrel. The one I load with Infernal Shells."
DM: "Okay, he's n fire."
Me (OOC): "I wonder if we'll be able to spot him on fire in the crowd? He'll be blending in so splendidly"
Our group recently ended the Age of Worms this is from Lashonna's lair

Our group below was at level 19

Roy Gildock Gnome Illusionist (My character)
Emin Human Cleric Church Inquisitor
Sven Human Warmage
Veldran Elf Bard
(forgot his name) Human Warlock

As we cross the last corridor in the catacomb the warlock looks around for traps with detect magic, and sees the entire corridor is lined with trapped tiles
so him Veldran and Sven fly across to the alcove on the other side of the corridor I decide on the direct approach Roy steps onto the first tile in the corridor and receives a 10 D6 Lightning Bolt for his trouble.
As Emin comes towards Roy to start healing.
Roy: "Ow, you have Revivify handy dont you?"
Emin: "Yes, but your not dead."
Roy: "I am now, I cast Excavate on the floor of the tunnel."
35 Lightning Bolts later one severely fried Gnome gets a Revivify.
Veldran: "You are possibly the stupidest smart guy I have ever met"

They're Evil they live in an almost normal Dungeon. Oh they're also running a restaurant.

Cafe Gruesome: The epitome of in Dungeon dining.

http://cafegruesome.thecomicseries.com/

 

So, the party has just killed some ettins who had taken over a farm, and they've gone back to town to inform the farmers. Of course, they left an open flame and a bunch of extremely flammable moonshine in the farm, which not even me (the DM) remembered. Kel'seer, the party sorcerer, strides into the city wearing a huge grin on his face.

Kel'seer: Greetings, fair farmers! Your farm has been saved!
Mandor: Wait, did we ever put out that fire?
BOOM! *a giant mushroom cloud erupts behind them*
Kel'seer: I mean, your farm has been destroyed!

Different campaign. The party rogue carries all the gold. Originally it was because the player has the best math skills, but in character reasons developed quickly. Case in point, introducing a new character to the party. Note that Isabel and Enel are female characters/players.

Isabel: Come on dear, you're safe now. Are you hurt? You can ride my horse back to town.
Enel: You have a horse?!
Isabel: Yeah! His name is Arden and he's so cute!
Enel: Eeeeee! I want a horse!
Isabel: Yeah! You should get a girl horse! And we can breed them! And get -
Both: PONIES!
Hassash (addressing the rest of the party): You see this? This right here is why I'm carrying the gold.
My favorite gish character and namesake is fighting some villain. The enemy goes to strike him, and his sword passes through Omni. It's just an illusion.

Omni: I'm sorry, but I'm not here right now. Please leave a message at the sound of your death. *stabs him in the back*

Looking down at the silent corpse:

Omni: Huh. No message.