1001 Funny Magic Items

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im interested to see what your guys can come up with because i have no clue where to start
um.. ok..

1. A corsage that squirts holy water. (a la clown lapel flower)
2) An insult Half-Orc. It is about 5 inches tall and insults everything and everyone. (it just a fun magic item that insults people.) We did use it to distract a guard though.
3: Your PC's find an sword with an ornately carved hilt with what appears to be a crowing rooster as the pommel. A word is engraved on the blade in a language no one recognizes. This sword doesn't merely radiate magic, it oozes magic. The local sages are all stumped, but they do suggest going to see Lemuel the Learned, a 27th level Know-It-All. After hacking their way through all kinds of dangerous enemies, the PC's finally find Lemuel, who is more than happy to translate the sword's message for them, provided they don't utter it within ten miles of his house, because of the sword's extreme power. He assures the PC's it won't harm them, he just doesn't want that much magic close to his experiments and research. The PC's leave, and eventually their curiosity gets the better of them. The big burly meatbag fighter raises the sword above his head and says the magic word.


*poof* the sword turns into a rubber chicken.
3: Your PC's find an sword with an ornately carved hilt with what appears to be a crowing rooster as the pommel. A word is engraved on the blade in a language no one recognizes. This sword doesn't merely radiate magic, it oozes magic. The local sages are all stumped, but they do suggest going to see Lemuel the Learned, a 27th level Know-It-All. After hacking their way through all kinds of dangerous enemies, the PC's finally find Lemuel, who is more than happy to translate the sword's message for them, provided they don't utter it within ten miles of his house, because of the sword's extreme power. He assures the PC's it won't harm them, he just doesn't want that much magic close to his experiments and research. The PC's leave, and eventually their curiosity gets the better of them. The big burly meatbag fighter raises the sword above his head and says the magic word.


*poof* the sword turns into a rubber chicken.

Read Magic, Comprehend Languages.

Sucks when players foil what the dm thinks would be a fun adventure, it's happened to me a few times before.
4. The Orange Cone of Something. It gives of an undeniable magic aura, but its use is entirely unknown. It's made of a peculiar material, not quite metal, not quite wood, and has a single white button on its frontside.

After a while of the PCs puzzling over it, "suddenly remember" that you have a prop for it. It's one of those orange faucet-adaptor-thingees that you get in big bags of water baloons.
One of my earliest adventures my character encountered two funny/weird magical items...

1. Ge and Orge, two magical pinecone halves.
Yes, one half of the pinecone was named Ge, and the other half was named Orge. When combined, George would promptly tell the player the exact time, and could be used as an alarm clock if asked nicely.

2. Swiss Army Face
After getting some mysterious substance on his face, the face would become some sort of multi-use magical tool. Known facial functions: Compass, butter knife, propeller (for water travel), fire starter. Of course, it also twitched constantly and was very heavy. Two characters died as a result of trying to have the swiss army face surgically removed from my character.
I had an idea to have an artifact with absolutely no magical properties. It would be so much fun to tell the PC's they found a major artifact and then not have it do anything.
Dragon Magazine had a good one many moons ago, a variant version of a Ring of Spell Turning. When activated (presumably when the wearer is about to be blasted by a horrendous spell), a voice comes from the ring saying "Turning, t u r n i n g. Turning."
I had an idea to have an artifact with absolutely no magical properties. It would be so much fun to tell the PC's they found a major artifact and then not have it do anything.

You mean like the si in ADOM? 'Cause that's kind of cool, actually. Having an indestructible object that radiates artifact-level magic can come in handy. Maybe it should randomly duplicate, and occasionally return to the player's pack when discarded... Nah, that's too evil
Ring of Spell Turning .. "Turning, t u r n i n g. Turning."

Brilliant.
8. ring of 3 lashes
9. boots of falling/otto's irresistable dance
10. antigravity belt
11. thumb war gauntlets
12. winged bracers
13. goggles of hindsight/foresight
14. ear plugs of amplification
15. McGregores s**t staind kilt
16. a morphing/sizing hat
17. A feather of unfathomable power
18. a self sorting paper clip
Dragon Magazine had a good one many moons ago, a variant version of a Ring of Spell Turning. When activated (presumably when the wearer is about to be blasted by a horrendous spell), a voice comes from the ring saying "Turning, t u r n i n g. Turning."

I've seen that joke twice now and I still don't get it...
How about a ring of Erections and Giant strenght? Gives the characters +4 strenght and a constant hard-on. You want to put it on.. But it's so embarrassing sometimes :D
How about a ring of Erections and Giant strenght? Gives the characters +4 strenght and a constant hard-on. You want to put it on.. But it's so embarrassing sometimes :D

Great call putting this in the thread here, trying to get it locked or something? I am sure this violates something here.
You mean like the si in ADOM? 'Cause that's kind of cool, actually. Having an indestructible object that radiates artifact-level magic can come in handy. Maybe it should randomly duplicate, and occasionally return to the player's pack when discarded... Nah, that's too evil

That'd be awesome actually. Some random mage tries to shaft you with MDJ? Oops... :D
I've seen that joke twice now and I still don't get it...

Spell the word Turning. T-U-R-N-I-N-G. Tee, Yoo, Arr, Enn, Eye, Enn, Jee. Whereas Spell-Turning reflects spells. Understand now?
Me and my friend came up with this one and used it:

A +1 spell storing (disintegrate) toothpick and had an assassin place it amongst another players cutlery.

DM: Your finish your meal just as the duchy of alisidor and her female retainers arrive, you suddenly feel self-concious of the food in your teeth and the smell of your breath

Player (in character): Alright cool, I'll just pick my teeth so there's nothing in them, and then it's hello ladies...(picks up toothpick) man that'd be embara-

DM: Make a fort save

Player: What do you mean make a fort save? What are my gums bleeding ha ha ha ha...rolled a 2...oh no not, what? One dmg!....(upon hearing his characters results) you.

What was even funnier was the whole time the other player who had no idea what was going on, kind of just sat there and looked down at his meal and said "...sh*t..."
That's illegal. 3rd level or lower only, and it has to be consciously discharged.
Spell the word Turning. T-U-R-N-I-N-G. Tee, Yoo, Arr, Enn, Eye, Enn, Jee. Whereas Spell-Turning reflects spells. Understand now?

OMG, I can't believe that I missed that, its so obvious! Sheesh. Rather than as seperate letters I was just reading T-U-R-N-I-N-G as saying the word slowly.
I'd assumed you were being facetious.
Well, you know what happens when you assume ;).
I'm able to move on to more important things?
I like the rubber chicken sword, that said.

Boots of water walking, think of boots with the decanter of endless water opened on its lowest setting.
These boots allow you to walk on water forn an unlimited distance, water included.

This is one from the robe of useless items: Rays rainbow crossbow. This strange crossbow has no actual bow to it and the groove for the arrow is a smooth pipe of unknown material. When the rigger is pulled, a white beam emits from the tip in a line to a range of 20 squares, any object in this line take 2D10 force, 2d10 fire, 2d10 electric, 2d10 acid, 2d10cold damage, fortitude save for half. Battteries not included.
I'm able to move on to more important things?

It makes an ass out of u and me.
That time I was being facetious.