1001 Things you don't want to hear your PCs say

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1. "Were you high when you wrote this?"
2. "I rolled 42 on bluff."
3. "Two twenties in a row!"
4. Racial Slures
5. I'm going to take a level of Incantatrix (or Initiate of the Sevenfold Veil or Dweomerkeeper or Planar Shepherd...).
6. This is boring, I leave the capital where the plot is at!
7. I set fire to the orphanage (unless it's a demonic one of course :embarrass ).
8. "But I'm playing my alignment!"
9) "I break the staff over my knee!"

10) "I grapple the troll."

11) "Am I getting drunk yet?"

12) "Can my character be a kobold?"

13) "Nuh uh. My character's a princess, she has more money than that."

14) *While cleric is getting a drink from the kitchen* "I loot the cleric's backpack."

15) "....kender...." (Note: context does not matter. That one word is enough)

16) "...Chuck Norris..." (Note: See above)

17) "LEEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEENKINS!"

18) "Yeah, I'm playing a drow ranger."

19) "I'm playing a wizard. When do I get to sacrifice my first innocent to evil, demonic powers?"

20) "Where's the Mountain Dew?"
21) We take the dragon egg with us. We'll hatch it and raise it as a cohort.

22) I fling the evil necormancer at the gang of thugs.

23) We will use "Weildskill" from the spell compendium. Flash's bluff skill is now +30 (at level 5)

24) I jump into the pit and break up the dogfight (that the entire bar was gambing on)

Yess, all these actually hapenned.
25) While the BBEG is commencing with his monologue, "I shoot him with my Wand of Hold Person."

26) "... inspiration from Knights of the Dinner Table..."

27) "...Book of Exalted Deeds..."

28) "She's a rogue/swashbuckler who uses a spiked chain..."

29) "As soon as I get enough dragonscale equipment, one of you guys kill me and cast Reincarnate, okay?"

30) "I'm going to cast Whispering Wind to let my Uncle Elminster know."
31) "I cast Unseen Servant. Ok, now I order it to grope the gnome. Ahem, '...it repeats the same action over and over again if told to do so...' (PB, 297) What does he do."

Yes, that one happened, too.

-Count Dravda
22) I fling the evil necormancer at the gang of thugs.

:D Awesome.

32. "We're going to steal the mill."

33. "[random off hand remark], you say? We must investigate this for the next 6 hours!"

34. "That's it?"

35. "I smite evil again...holy crap...I crit again, too!"

36. "Say, I just realized what I can do with this spell..."

37. "Yeah, yeah, the bad guy gets away..."

38. "I'm going to buy [random collection of innocuous mundane items]. No particular reason."
39. "Actually, I changed my back-story. My father was the elf."

- Michal -
25) While the BBEG is commencing with his monologue, "I shoot him with my Wand of Hold Person."

yes because a PC useing a legitimate technique to deal with a villain is such a terrible thing if it prevents you from your using your 5 page monolouge .

You want to monolouge, either keep the baddie in an area where there is no concievable way the PCs can get to him, find a way to incapacitate the PCs, or write a book.
40. Can I play a Kender?

41. I want my two characters to be twins.

42. We are not going to the dungeon for awhile. We want to sleep in late at the Inn and take it easy.

43. I thought this module was going to be based all around "me"!
44) "Yeah, I'm a Drow Half-Fiend"
45) "....can I play a Rakshasas?"
46) "Man... that Tarrasque was surprisingly easy at level 6!" (probably gonna happen in my game)
47) "I grab the regent with my Telekinesis and toss him out the window!..... What? I'm Chaotic-Evil!"
48. "My INT is 6... again."
49. Why is it written IDIOT3 on my sheet? Oh, this is 1D10+3!

50. What do you mean, racial HD? In the book, the ogre is only +2 LA, not +6...

51. About my background, I was thinking my PC could be an orphan... Can he be the BBEG secret son?
52. after meeting-gone-sour with a high-priest, player with LE Ftr6 yells in rage to the high-priest: "..if you don't give us a great reward for bringing you that bleeding cup, I will decapitate you, cr*p to the stub of your neck, wipe my blade and ar*e clean to your cloak, kill the rest of your priests, set your church on fire and after that I will go after your god and kill him too..."
53. ...character optimization forums...
54. Can I use this homebrew? Well, my other DM allowed it...
55. "I'll play a druid."
56. "I'll play a swashbuckler."
Another day, another three or four entries to my Ignore List.
57) Ok, so there's nothing on the body except clothes? I'll make a Search check for in the body!

...In my first campaign... In my first town... In the first alley they went down...
15) "....kender...." (Note: context does not matter. That one word is enough)

16) "...Chuck Norris..." (Note: See above)

This player is in my campaign.
"My mind is a far deadlier weapon than some ill-crafted bit of iron." -Some Int 8 guy who called himself a battlemind
17) YOOOHOOO!!!!

I had a player with an amazign nack for turning tough encounters into easy battles which always began with him getting the enemies attention by yelling that.
59. "So, I'm going to play a Vow of Poverty half-drow/half-kender wizard/incantatrix/initiate of the sevenfold veil/dweomerkeeper. His personality is based on a mix of Chuck Norris and Mr T. His cohort is a swashbuckler/druid. And his cohort's animal companion is..."
19. "This quest sucks."
I don't use emoticons, and I'm also pretty pleasant. So if I say something that's rude or insulting, it's probably a joke.
20. "I cast..."

At least 70% of campaign derailing sentences start with these two words. :D
62: "I use detect evil on the baron."

(Note: please check to make sure previous posters haven't misread a quote as a new entry... ;D)
21) Half-ogre fighter
22. "I convert from Kord to Pelor."
"You're converting in the middle of a fight with a balor?"
"Well, I convert to Obad-Hai. I see your overpowered sorcerer as a threat to the balance of nature."

Actually, I said that, back when I played a Fighter. :D
65. "I couldn't find the right rule, so I used the 3rd edition version."

66. "Hey! I can use my sword to cut a 100 foot deep trench! If I drop a baddie in, do they take falling damage?"
67. OOC you hand the DM a note while IC you're wizard is handing a message to someone the party just found out betrayed them. Said note and message says something to the effect of:

"Sir or Madam,

It has come to the attention of our party that you have been using us all along, and we have decided to resign from your service at this time. Now before you take any action, we requests that you pay us what is owed and give us a head start. Barring that, we requests that you at least give us the dignity of a quick death. This of course is dependent on the outcome of our current meeting because I prepared explosive runes today"
68. Cleric to another cleric:
"My god could beat your god."
69. "I cast Disjunction on the ."

70. "How could they surround us? I had Mordenkainen's Magical Watchdog cast!"
71: "I didn't say that in game!"
72: "I touch the **** of her character when she's asleep!"
73: "I cast hold person on the hot tavern mistress and make people pay to touch her incredible btt!"
74: "Your mum!!"

- Michal -
75: "She's distracted by her kids? I signal the rogue and make a ready action to loot the corpse."
76: "I'm buying 20K worth of alchemist fire and a wagon."
77: "My character concept is dinosaur druid."
78: "My character concept is spider charger."
79: "My character concept is greatclub murderer."
80: "I tell everyone else to start running and open the Bag of Holding."
81: "I do a Gather Information check. Will anyone pay me 30 silver pieces to kiss the Cleric?"
82: "Okay, guys, we're gonna need to combine our spellcasting for this..."
83: "Wow, I just thought of a cool trick! I need everybody's dice."
84: "I pretend I've never heard of that law."
85: "Mood? My character's feeling stupid, horny, and desperate for bloodshed."
86: "I fill all my spell slots with Prestidigitation."
87: "My character concept is Ultimagnome."
88: "My character concept is God, but CE."
89: "My character concept is the Joker."
90: "My character concept is succubus summoner."
91: "Heroes basically happen when people burn down their town and murder their parents and **** their young loves and stuff, right? And since I'm a Paladin, I'm supposed to encourage heroism in the world, right?"
92: "And since I'm a Paladin..."
93: "I begin stuffing as much of it into my mouth as I can reach. If I run out of mouth room, I 'go below'."
94: "I 'go below'."
95: "No, that's a dumb plan. Instead, I draw my Wand of Fireball and..."
96: "My character concept is a Jedi who aggressively negotiates constantly. Like, he can't interact elsewise."
97: "I smile reassuringly at the Halfling, and..."
98: "OH! Bullrush!"
99: "Well, I figure since there's a stupid quest with monsters that way, but a whole town full of commoners RIGHT HERE..."
100: "I'm chaotic evil."
101: "OK, I'm gonna need to borrow the Serpent Kingdoms for my Psion, is that fine with you?"
102. DM:player its your turn.
player: ok..i guess ill cast a spell
DM: what spell are you casting?
Player: gee wouldn't you like to know. why dont you roll a spellcraft check?
(the spell was bull str or something like that) then i move. ok im done.

Actually I was the player and i think i actually saw smoke come out of the DM's ears.

103. well that house rule su*ks!
HD
74: "Your mum!!"

- Michal -

Unfortunately, this happened all too many times. The barbarian still hasn't recovered from the trauma of my punishment for him.
104. "I'm goin' to the special hell."
105. "Do I win?"
106. "I'm bored with this character. Can I play this instead?"
107. "This doesn't seem physically possible!" (cookie if you get the reference)
108. "Here's a list of everything I have on my character, and which bags/backpack/pockets they're in... Wouldn't want you to think I was cheating when I pull out something strange."
- Usually said by me in every campaign I've played, either before or after I do something likely to get posted about in this forum :D

109. "But you told us that the BBEG had nine javelins when we walked in... He threw the ninth one last round..."

Show

I am the Magic Man.

(Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.)

 

I am the Lawnmower Man.

(I AM GOD HERE!)

 

I am the Skull God.

(Koo Koo Ka Choo)

 

There are reasons they call me Mad...

Whatever Number we are on: *Tentacles come out of the water* "OH **** ITS THE KRAKEN GUYS!"
"Don't be stupid, the kraken is CR 12 its obviously an aboleth!"
"Is that any better??"
"No, so then its probably a giant squid...."
"Right, we should probably kill it...."


Number after that: "Alright, lets split up team!" (I DONT CARE IF IT DOES HELP THEM EXPLORE! ITS REALLY ANNOYING TO WORK WITH TWO GROUPS AT ONCE.....)