2001 Things I Am No Longer Allowed to do in an RPG

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This isn't actually my list, but someone showed it to me and I thought it was petty funny.

1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convice the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set !@#@ propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful ****.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enambled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. Ditto for the Rockerboy.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.

Have you done any of these?
Ever feel like people on these forums can't possibly understand how wrong they are? Feeling trolled? Don't get mad. Report Post.
This list is hillarious! I'd like to add a few of my own...

# 251: I am not allowed to wear a "I love Hastur" t-shirt in Call of Cthulhu
# 252: Nor am I allowed to wear a "My parents went to Shoggoth, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"-shirt
# 253: Nor the "Shoggoth on the Roof" shirt, or any other such shirts
# 254: I am strictly forbidden to play a skinny, half-orc, barbarian female with Nunchaku as weapon.
# 255: The brooding, dark figure with the hood and raspy voice shouldn't be killed before he's given the party the quest.
# 256: Nor after he's given the party the quest.
# 257: Nor after he's given the party the reward for the quest.
# 258: Just because someone in the group are playing an elf, doesn't give me the right to slap them every 30 minutes.
# 259: I am not allowed to "pull an Army of Darkness", bringing a car, a shotgun and books about chemistry into a fantasy world.
# 260: I am not allowed to act out just how I'd come on to the sexy girl in the bar, at least not when the DM is my friends wife.

Yeah, those I did... the 250 above I've got to do! :D
One that a friend of mine did... just now thought of it:

261. Subtlety does not mean "a smaller bomb."
Ever feel like people on these forums can't possibly understand how wrong they are? Feeling trolled? Don't get mad. Report Post.
Brilliant. Thank you for the effort this must have taken. I'll be bookmarking this for posterity.
262. Blowing up a 100 screen cineplex is not an appropriate distraction to cover your corporate espionage in Shadowrun.
263. If you must blow up the cineplex then you have to actually send someone who has demoltions to do the job.
264. Don't abuse the party Necromancer, even when the party Paladin is looking away.

265. When your druid unexpectedly polymorphs into a tree...don't eat the fruit, those will be important for when he changes back...
Oh, these are priceless!

266: Not allowed GIR for my mechanical companion.
267: When they say, "drop it," they do not mean, "throw it in our faces."
268: A human wielding two Fullblades (Or large greatswords for 3.5) is not a viable concept.
269: It is not funny to attack your own party members. No matter how much you laugh.
270: Do not touch the GM's figurine collection.

~The Chilli God Has Spoken.

271. Never stab a guy just to test out your character.
272. Paladins are not to be eaten.
273. Do not make a character with plus 12 saves at level 7.
274. Cannot make a character based off of the nonexistent love child of Cattie Brie and Drizzt.
275.As 274+can not be named Breunor Do'Urden after his adopted grandpappy
276. Saying "I moon the king is a bad idea.
277. There is no such thing as "crack" in D&D.
278. I am no longer allowed to test my new spells on party members. Especially the paladin.
279. Bribing the DM with extra pizza doesn't always work.
280. I am not allowed to name my half-orc barbarian "Sweetums".
281. Or "Twinky-Poo".
282. I am not allowed to give my wizard a stutter.
283. My cleric does not worship "The Great Porcelain God".
284. If the DM decides to allow guns in the Forgotten Realms, I am not to nag him for an AK-47.
285. Or an Uzi.
286. Or a howitzer.
287. Saying "I attack the darkness" for the 1,383rd time will get me pummeled.
288. I must specify that my female half-orc with 3 Charisma is wearing clothing.
289. I am no longer allowed to mention the word "kender".
290. My ranger is not allowed a miniature giant space hamster as an animal companion.
Apparently, this has become a 1001 thread. Thread name changed.
Ever feel like people on these forums can't possibly understand how wrong they are? Feeling trolled? Don't get mad. Report Post.
277. I will not put a fog spell infront of the archer
278. Especially not if there are our party-fighters in front of the archer
279.And REALLY don't do it if the DM has heard about "friendly fire"
280. Don' think that anyone in your group has blind-fight-
281. And dont use 280. as an excuse to put darkness over your 5thlevel group batteling with a little army of gobos n orks...

I have to admit everythig of this happend... REALLY I lost a character through friendly fire
291: Lawful Stupid and Chaotic Badass are now phorbidden alighnments.

292: The group's DMs (myself included) may not base entire campaigns on this:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-200611625836925739&q=dungeons+and+dragons

293: If may bard uses perform (sing), I can not name him MC Hammer and sing "Can't Touch This"

294: If my bard uses Perfom (danse), I can not name him Micheal Jackson.
295. Do not pee/duece in the punch bowl from the balcony at your Wizard friend's wedding reception.
296. You especially do not pee/deuce in the punch bowl if the oligarchs are there and your wizard friend is running for mayor.
300. I may not name my wizard "Harry Potter".
301. Or "Voldemort".
302. I should not refer to the paladin's Holy Avenger sword as "The Butter Knife of Doom".
303. My rogue is not allowed to sneak up behind party members and pull their pants down. Especially not in the middle of combat.
304. Or an audience with the king.
305. I should not whistle "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's off to work we go" in a dwarf colony.
306. I may not declare in a solemn voice "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" every single time I throw a fireball.
307. My gnome is no longer allowed to purchase tanglefoot bags.
308: A planet is not a vaible weapon.
309: No, we are not there yet.
310: Gods are not to be talked down to.
311: Just because the elven bard acts feminine, does not mean you may question his sexuality.
312: Presidigitation can not increase breast size.
313: 'Yes' is not an acceptible answer to sex.
314: Nor is 'And how'.
315: My bard is not proficient in the electric bass.
316: No, the dragon will not let you ride it.
317: I am not to name my fighters "Meaty McShielderson'.
318: Nor are any characters aloud to have a last name with 'Mc' included.
319: Gnomes and Halflings are not the same, and I should not prove so with quantum mechanics.
320: I am not allowed to have the feat 'Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Holy F*%&!'.
321: Animate Dead is not the same Raise Dead, and may not be used when strapped for cash.
322: I am not allowed to invent anything that has the word 'combustible' included.
323: I am not to insiuate anything about the druid and his animal companion.
324: Likewise about the Paladin and his mount.
325: The Half-Gaint is not an acceptible choice for my Gnome paladin's mount.
326: 'Damn Fine' is not an acceptible Charisma score.
327: 'Pimp Daddy' is not a class.
328: My name is not to mean "Shove it" in any language.
329: 'Exotice Weapon Proficiciency: Enemie's Skull' is not acceptible.
330: Rope is not meant for that.
331: I can not enchant my rations with Flaming to make them self cooking.
332: I may not say that the Elf's Flaming Longsword suits him alittle too well.
333: Flame Strikeis not an acceptible answer to a question.
334: No Pirates.
335: No, I may not worship a god I made myself.
336: Especially not Mindflayer gods of madness.
337: Chutluhu is not my friend.
338: Elmenster is not my slave.
339: It is generally bad pratice to call an Arch Druid a hippy.
340: Any plan that includes 'amnesia dust to the face' is not accpetible.
341: The dog is not there to set of traps.
342: Just because the druid has wildshapped into a puma, does not mean you may ask him who is a good kitty-kitty-kitty.
343: When the king asks you a favor, it is generally in poor taste to tell him "F&*% that! Save your own daughter, d@#$%&*+~!"
344: 'If you can't say anything nice, cast Dominate Person and make them not be an ass' is not an acceptible creedo.
345: "Skill Focus: Your Mom Last Night" does not exist.
346: Any sentence involving 'Skin', 'Bard', and 'Flute', is groudns for beating.
347: 'The Sword of Cleavage' is nothing to giggle at.
348: Presitidigitaion may not be used to harass the dwarf.
349: Just because I could Polymorph the king into a woman, does not make it a good idea.
350: Dinosaurs are never the answer.
351: A statue of me will not be erected if invent the push-up bra.
352: My character would go 'Hehe, he said "erect"...'
353: Just because my character doesn't cut his nails, does not give him a claw attack.
354: I am not a god of anything, much less the god of "Bow Chick Bow Wow".
355: I am not to question Corellon's gender in the presence of elven high-preists.
356: Moradin does not wear dresses.
357: Organ harvesting is not an acceptible proffesion.
358: Cone of Cold is not to be used to preserve an ally when they die.
359: It is especially not to be used preemptivly,
360: Painting 'The King Loves Kobold Women' is not a good plan to break into the castle dungeons to save a friend.
361: 'Dire Human' is not a race.
362: I may not research the spell Power Word: STFU.
363: Quoting of anything from the internet is banned.

Well, thats all for now. And yes, I have done more than half of those. But I aint saying which ones...

-EDIT-
Renumbered them...stupid people posting before me, ruining all that work...
364. Cannot wear a black silk diaper (if that is all you're going to wear).
365. Cannot "wink the brown eye" at Iuz from the safety of a Cube of Force.

Who F'ed up the numbering?
366. Not allowed to play a catfolk again.
367. Warforged are not allowed to worship the Ineffable any more.
368. Changelings are forbidden from changing their gender.
369. Last name cannot be Evilwizardington.
370. Artificers are not permitted to make nukes.
371. Artificers are not permitted to make guns.
372. You can no longer play an artificer.
373. You may not hire an articer to make anything. Actually, you may not hire an artificer, period.
374. You may not take ideas from Penny Arcade, 8-Bit Theater, or VG Cats about how to treat NPCs.
376. Five is right out!
377. No more strobe-lit discotheques filled with drugged miniature cyclopes.
378. No more summoning KISS, no matter how cool they look on the battlegrid.
379. Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap) is not the best choice of song for inspiring courage.
380. No more gating my paladin to Milwaukee for "sacred wine."
381. I will not undergo a sudden epiphany resulting in a complete alignment change in the middle of planning an important battle - anymore.
382. No more genius orc NPC villains who for some reason cannot rise above the level of "lackey."
383. No more inappropriate comments about the suspicious nature of the relationship of the half-elf brother and sister NPCs... I promise this time.
384. Will not use spells and domain powers to dead lift a dire tiger. :fight!:
See, I'm a DM...and I'm loving these ideas...and I'm a Loonie at heart [ oh, how my players *love* that....*smirk* ]...so I'll just have to contribute:

385: Must not cast grease in front of the king.
386: Or queen.
387: Or that cute bar wench you wanted to look up the skirt of.
388: Gnomes and Halflings are not catapult ammo.
389: Enlarge Person affects your whole person. Not just individual..."limbs".
390: You may not keep a gelatanous cube as a pet.
391: The Tarrasque is not a toy.
Item # 50 has a special place in my heart because I used knowledge of the quantum relationship between Photons and temperature to destabilize a really wretched campaign (years ago in 1st edition) with a fatuous DM who insisted that Magic was a result of fundamental particles "magions" and that all the rules of Physics still applied.
For anyone interested calculate the photon density created by the original Continual light spell to get a power rating - per object so enchanted.
392. If Skippy can't do it, neither can you.

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html
Item # 50 has a special place in my heart because I used knowledge of the quantum relationship between Photons and temperature to destabilize a really wretched campaign (years ago in 1st edition) with a fatuous DM who insisted that Magic was a result of fundamental particles "magions" and that all the rules of Physics still applied.
For anyone interested calculate the photon density created by the original Continual light spell to get a power rating - per object so enchanted.

Oh, now you've got me curious. Shame my only exposure to 1st edition material is currently in another town with the owner. I'll see what I can work out using 3.5 material.


#393: If it warrants yelling "Totally worth it!" upon completion, I can no longer try it.
#394: Winning a grapple check with the dragon does not give me permission to tell it "That's right, b***h!"
#395: Casting knock on party member's pants is not appreciated.
#396: ...especially when your party's surrounded by a crowd of cheering commoners.
#397: ...and your target has 3 Charisma.
#398: Being a gnome is no excuse for carrying a book of dwarven erotica.
#399: ...nor is it an excuse to build an internal combustion engine.
#400: ...even if you originally started out making an automatic makeup applicator.

All of these were from the same adventure.

Cancer prognosis: I am now cancer-free.

Weekly Optimization Series

Show
These are NOT all my creations! The lead authors are identified as follows: [TS] Tempest Stormwind, [AR] Andarious Rosethorn, [RT] Radical Taoist, [SN] Sionnis, [DH] DisposableHero_, [SH] Seishi.

[TS] The Pinball Brothers: Large And In Charge (Melee, Lockdown, Charge, Juggling)
[TS] Ashardalon Reborn: I Will Swallow Your Soul (Melee, Fear, Negative Levels, AoE, Theme)
[AR] "A"-Game Paladin: Play That Funky Music, Knight Boy! (Team Support, Melee, Theme, Single-Class)
[RT] Uncanny Trapsmith: Get in, make it look like an accident, get out. (Skillmonkey, Stealth/Scout/Infiltration, Unorthodox Methods, Theme)
[AR] Wizsassin: *Everything* is permitted. (Spellcaster, Support, Sneak Attack, Utility)
[TS] Phantom Rush: General Gish Gouda. (Gish, Theme, Setting-Specific(Eberron), Early-Entry PrC)
[TS] Storm Knight: Another kind of gish. (Melee/"Gish", Theme, Setting-Specific(Eberron), Unorthodox Methods)
[TS] Inevitable Nightmare: The weapon you only have to fire once. (Melee, "Unorthodox" Methods (no charging), Reliability)
[AR] Captain Constitution: The number one threat to America. (Melee, TOUGHTOUGHTOUGH, Defense, Theme)
[AR] Nuker: I casts the spells that makes the peoples fall down! (Spellcaster, damage, blasting, damage)
[TS] Dread Lord of the Dead: Let the Reaping Begin! (NPC-only, Variable (combat/casting/leadership), Iconic Villain, Theme)
[AR] Heavy Crusader: No Rest. No Mercy. No Matter What. (Melee, Damage (No charging), Variable, Theme).
[TS] Gun Fu: It's bullet time (Ranged, THEORETICAL, Twin weapons, Theme)
[RT] Face First: We should talk. (Psionic, social, mind-control, info-management)
[SN] Chaingun Porcupine: Never Enuff Dakka. (Ranged, Skirmishing, Spike Damage, Incarnum)
[RT] Always On Edge: The Mortal Draw deals death. (Melee, Generalist, Dungeoneering, Stunt)
[AR] Feral Druid: Real feral taste. Zero druid calories. (Melee, offense, damage, murder)
[RT] Rusty!: Man's Best Friend (Sentry, Support, Backup, Rearguard)
[RT] The T3 (Tashalatora Triple Threat): My Kung Fu is More Powerful (Hybrid, Flex-Function, Melee, Caster)
[RT] The #1 Snoipah: Boom. 'Eadshot. (Caster, Theme, Spike, Trapscout)
[AR] Dreamblade: Rest in Pieces. (Melee, Damage, Single-Class, Combo/Momentum)
[AR] Evasion Tank: “When fighting angry blind men, is best to stay out of the way.” (Melee, Tank, Unorthodox Methods (attack negation), Theme)
[DH] Psycarnum Warrior: ↑↑↓↓←→←→BA Start (Melee, Tank, Psionics, Incarnum, 1337 h4x)
[AR] Heavy Weapons Elf: WHO TOUCHED MY BOW? (Ranged, Cohort, Damage, Unorthodox Methods (ranged ToB))
[RT] Gnowhere Gnome: A little man who wasn't there (Caster, Stealth, Single-Class, Elusive)
[AR] Uberflank: I got your back. (Melee, support, stunt, teamwork)
[TS] Flip the Bird: Everyday I'm shuffling (Ranged, harrier, unorthodox methods (ranged ToB / off-turn movement), support)
[DH] Eat Sleep Gank: Real Ultimate Power (Stealth, Assassination, Spike, Magic Versatility)
[AR] Slash and Burn: Mind, Body, Blade, Flame / Aspects of a greater whole / which delivers death. (Melee, Theme (flex-style), Damage, Stunt)
[RT] Edge of the Light: Cut, Fade to Black (Melee, Defense/Offense, Momentum, Tactical)
[RT] Quiet Murder: Cut throats, not corners. (Melee, Stealth, Harrier, Tactical)
[TS] Wand Overdrive: Say Hello to my little friends. (Caster, support/artillery/variable, wand specialist)
[RT] God Hand: What did the five fingers say to the face? (Melee/Gish, Unarmed, SAD, Theme)
[AR] Zero Buff Time Gish: Try to keep up! (Gish, Speed, Movement, Opportunity)
[TS] Robo Tackle: I Am Iron Man. (Melee, setting-specific (Eberron), positioning, theme, stunt)

[TS] Holy Fire: Just getting warmed up! (Casting, damage, theme (fire), theme (sacred), blasting)

[TS] Groundhog Mage: ♪Let’s do the time warp again♪ (Casting, stunt, setting-specific (Faerun), spell stamina / versatility, spontaneous wizard)

 

Want to see how the entire group rolls?
[All] Party Optimization Showcase: Dead for Nothing
[TS/RT/AR] Optimization Article: The Flash Step
[RT] Optimization Article: Kung Fu Witchcraft

 

Seishi: I think it might be fun to have a one-off [game] tuned fairly, but with the intention of wiping the party. 

DisposableHero_: if [my campaign] has taught me nothing else, it is that with this group, nothing tuned fairly will ever wipe the party

RadicalTaoist: I've been throwing **** at this group that's 5 levels over CRed in DFN, and have yet to wipe the party.

1-250. I will not plajurize from other people's Livejournal posts.
1-250. I will not plajurize from other people's Livejournal posts.

Ah, so that's where it's from... or is it? MB that guy just copied it from somewhere else. I don't know, I don't care. Not plagiarism, since not only did I never claim it was my own, but I specifically stated otherwise:
This isn't actually my list, but someone showed it to me and I thought it was petty funny.

Ever feel like people on these forums can't possibly understand how wrong they are? Feeling trolled? Don't get mad. Report Post.
Ah, so that's where it's from... or is it? MB that guy just copied it from somewhere else. I don't know, I don't care. Not plagiarism, since not only did I never claim it was my own, but I specifically stated otherwise:

And just as I specifically state otherwise, I'll repost the additional 200 he added, just for single-page viewing easiness.

251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.
304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can't specialize in fencing weapons.
308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja.
309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps.
310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers.
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'.
315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future.
319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark Secret- I'm Kilroy.
320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath.
321. The monk's official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
322. My bard knows more songs than just "I Saw Your Mommy"
323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War
332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends.
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
335. When installing cyberware, can't install the Clapper as a built in feature.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de Fuego is begging to be vetoed.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter"
340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent.
341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offer from other adventuring parties.
342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode.
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.
347. If I'm not the decker, I can't do anything I saw in Tron once.
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING.
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
352. When I choose my wizard's familar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate.
354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"
356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill.
357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes.
358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate Hudson's Last Stand.
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.
364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.
365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with the mad scientist's sister.
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil.
371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.
372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples.
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.
375. Killing the building does not add to my body count.
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.
377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.
378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad.
382. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
384. The titles "Viking" and "Obstretrician" are mutually exclusive.
385. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl.
386. The following words are not legal for the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize.
387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like 'is' or 'the' and activate when you say them.
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant.
392. I am forbidden to see when halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.
394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism.
398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish.
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.
404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not "Do not talk about Finnegan school"
407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.
408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can't have that gun.
409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him.
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I'd better not be the half-orc barbarian.
415. My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.
419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
422. My marital status does not affect in anyway my fear checks.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment.
428. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro.
429. If the character isn't deaf, his only language cannot be AMSLAN.
430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot"
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to **** off the power gamer.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger"
435. No bribing the DM's new GF with chocolate so he'll go easy on us.
436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn't give me the right to start an HMO.
437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the Can-Can.
438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150' with herpes is not an acceptable super power.
439. I will not start the game as a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
444. Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with 'a little less lawful, a little more good'
446. Ninjas are not ablative.
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.
449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.

Add 200 to each of these when adding new ones to account for our new entries. This puts the next one at 651.

Cancer prognosis: I am now cancer-free.

Weekly Optimization Series

Show
These are NOT all my creations! The lead authors are identified as follows: [TS] Tempest Stormwind, [AR] Andarious Rosethorn, [RT] Radical Taoist, [SN] Sionnis, [DH] DisposableHero_, [SH] Seishi.

[TS] The Pinball Brothers: Large And In Charge (Melee, Lockdown, Charge, Juggling)
[TS] Ashardalon Reborn: I Will Swallow Your Soul (Melee, Fear, Negative Levels, AoE, Theme)
[AR] "A"-Game Paladin: Play That Funky Music, Knight Boy! (Team Support, Melee, Theme, Single-Class)
[RT] Uncanny Trapsmith: Get in, make it look like an accident, get out. (Skillmonkey, Stealth/Scout/Infiltration, Unorthodox Methods, Theme)
[AR] Wizsassin: *Everything* is permitted. (Spellcaster, Support, Sneak Attack, Utility)
[TS] Phantom Rush: General Gish Gouda. (Gish, Theme, Setting-Specific(Eberron), Early-Entry PrC)
[TS] Storm Knight: Another kind of gish. (Melee/"Gish", Theme, Setting-Specific(Eberron), Unorthodox Methods)
[TS] Inevitable Nightmare: The weapon you only have to fire once. (Melee, "Unorthodox" Methods (no charging), Reliability)
[AR] Captain Constitution: The number one threat to America. (Melee, TOUGHTOUGHTOUGH, Defense, Theme)
[AR] Nuker: I casts the spells that makes the peoples fall down! (Spellcaster, damage, blasting, damage)
[TS] Dread Lord of the Dead: Let the Reaping Begin! (NPC-only, Variable (combat/casting/leadership), Iconic Villain, Theme)
[AR] Heavy Crusader: No Rest. No Mercy. No Matter What. (Melee, Damage (No charging), Variable, Theme).
[TS] Gun Fu: It's bullet time (Ranged, THEORETICAL, Twin weapons, Theme)
[RT] Face First: We should talk. (Psionic, social, mind-control, info-management)
[SN] Chaingun Porcupine: Never Enuff Dakka. (Ranged, Skirmishing, Spike Damage, Incarnum)
[RT] Always On Edge: The Mortal Draw deals death. (Melee, Generalist, Dungeoneering, Stunt)
[AR] Feral Druid: Real feral taste. Zero druid calories. (Melee, offense, damage, murder)
[RT] Rusty!: Man's Best Friend (Sentry, Support, Backup, Rearguard)
[RT] The T3 (Tashalatora Triple Threat): My Kung Fu is More Powerful (Hybrid, Flex-Function, Melee, Caster)
[RT] The #1 Snoipah: Boom. 'Eadshot. (Caster, Theme, Spike, Trapscout)
[AR] Dreamblade: Rest in Pieces. (Melee, Damage, Single-Class, Combo/Momentum)
[AR] Evasion Tank: “When fighting angry blind men, is best to stay out of the way.” (Melee, Tank, Unorthodox Methods (attack negation), Theme)
[DH] Psycarnum Warrior: ↑↑↓↓←→←→BA Start (Melee, Tank, Psionics, Incarnum, 1337 h4x)
[AR] Heavy Weapons Elf: WHO TOUCHED MY BOW? (Ranged, Cohort, Damage, Unorthodox Methods (ranged ToB))
[RT] Gnowhere Gnome: A little man who wasn't there (Caster, Stealth, Single-Class, Elusive)
[AR] Uberflank: I got your back. (Melee, support, stunt, teamwork)
[TS] Flip the Bird: Everyday I'm shuffling (Ranged, harrier, unorthodox methods (ranged ToB / off-turn movement), support)
[DH] Eat Sleep Gank: Real Ultimate Power (Stealth, Assassination, Spike, Magic Versatility)
[AR] Slash and Burn: Mind, Body, Blade, Flame / Aspects of a greater whole / which delivers death. (Melee, Theme (flex-style), Damage, Stunt)
[RT] Edge of the Light: Cut, Fade to Black (Melee, Defense/Offense, Momentum, Tactical)
[RT] Quiet Murder: Cut throats, not corners. (Melee, Stealth, Harrier, Tactical)
[TS] Wand Overdrive: Say Hello to my little friends. (Caster, support/artillery/variable, wand specialist)
[RT] God Hand: What did the five fingers say to the face? (Melee/Gish, Unarmed, SAD, Theme)
[AR] Zero Buff Time Gish: Try to keep up! (Gish, Speed, Movement, Opportunity)
[TS] Robo Tackle: I Am Iron Man. (Melee, setting-specific (Eberron), positioning, theme, stunt)

[TS] Holy Fire: Just getting warmed up! (Casting, damage, theme (fire), theme (sacred), blasting)

[TS] Groundhog Mage: ♪Let’s do the time warp again♪ (Casting, stunt, setting-specific (Faerun), spell stamina / versatility, spontaneous wizard)

 

Want to see how the entire group rolls?
[All] Party Optimization Showcase: Dead for Nothing
[TS/RT/AR] Optimization Article: The Flash Step
[RT] Optimization Article: Kung Fu Witchcraft

 

Seishi: I think it might be fun to have a one-off [game] tuned fairly, but with the intention of wiping the party. 

DisposableHero_: if [my campaign] has taught me nothing else, it is that with this group, nothing tuned fairly will ever wipe the party

RadicalTaoist: I've been throwing **** at this group that's 5 levels over CRed in DFN, and have yet to wipe the party.

Add 200 to each of these when adding new ones to account for our new entries. This puts the next one at 651.

Don't you mean to add 150?
348: Presitidigitaion may not be used to harass the dwarf.

THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S NOT!


f!&#*$&&#& bards.....


I should have told him "no healing for you!"...
The next item will be 851, just for clarification.

Wow... this might actually hit 1001, unlike any of the other 1001 threads.
Ever feel like people on these forums can't possibly understand how wrong they are? Feeling trolled? Don't get mad. Report Post.
851: You may longer use Bag of Tricks (any color) for anything ever, If you try to pick one up it bursts into flames and you take 5d6 Fire damage, and lose the use of your hands until you are propperly healed.

852: You may no longer ask anyone if you can use them to "Vault" the Wall/NPC.

853: Kobolds are not "Animal Companions"
854: Nor are Goblins, Orcs, Hobgoblins, Bugbears, or any of the PC's, regardless of their Int score.

855: No he can't do that, they have Acid that can eat through peoples Skulls.

856: No you can't agree to go along with it just for kicks.

857: Yes the King whould mind, and more so I think the villagers whould too.

858: No longer allowed to use Daggers or Shortswords... EVER!

859: Things of that Nature are never to be spoken of ever again.

890: You are not to Question the DM on the PC (DM's GF) survived the Dragons Rage... stop looking at me like that...

891: No glaring at the DM!
303. My rogue is not allowed to sneak up behind party members and pull their pants down. Especially not in the middle of combat.
304. Or an audience with the king.
305. I should not whistle "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's off to work we go" in a dwarf colony.

i have done those, the dwaves locked me in a cuboard
I had a dwarf one time, and he would sing "hi-ho. hi-ho, to kick some ass I go" before battle.
I had a dwarf one time, and he would sing "hi-ho. hi-ho, to kick some ass I go" before battle.

I once unleashed Dwarven pirates, who screamed "Hi-HO!" as their battle cry when swinging from ship to ship.

892: Must not strap stowaway rogues to ballista bolts to send them to the other ship in a naval battle.
892. The bard is not allowed to use his bardic music to suggest to the enemy sorceror "Your only chance to escape us is to jump out that window!" when the rest of the party has already gone downstairs to wait under that window.
893. The bard is not allowed to suggest that the chimera "find out which head is the best."
894. The bard is not allowed to repeatedly suggest to the sphinxes in maze until they fail their will saves a give the party a hint to the answer to its riddle.
895. The bard is not allowed to not stop inspiring courage for an entire adventure.
896. The bard is not allowed to use bardic music. Period.
897. The druid is not allowed to transmute the enemies armor from metal to wood for an instant kill via woodshape and an iron maiden effect.
898. The druid may not cast animal messenger on a squirrel designating the destination as inside the enemy's pants.
899. Especially not when intending to cast animal growth on the squirrel before it gets there.

These all have came up.
901. The use of rocks and the fly spell to kill the Tarrasque is stricly forbidden.
902. Claiming that the rogue with the Rakshasa bloodline is descended from furries will get you sneak attacked.
903. Taking levels in Warshaper to become immune to sneak attacks so that you may mock the rogue is forbidden.
904. You may not take levels in Drunken Master ever again.
905. Your cleric cannot worship Pun-Pun.
906. Taking levels in Beastmaster to try to control the catfolk is not permitted.
907. Trying to change the True Name of fellow party members to things that insult them is forbidden.
908. If you have to ask, you can't.
909: "I have UMD" does not mean you can touch the black glowing sphere.
910: When the DM "only" takes your hand after touching said sphere, do not say "That's not fair!"
911: Having a Critical Fumble chart in a game where a character is Monkey Gripping a Great Axe with a STR of 22 does not make it more fun!
912: No more asking a drunk to beat up your CIA agent... which will then lead to dirty jokes later on involving a PVC pipe.. (trust me, it's funny and oh so wrong!)
913: Don't cast Sleep on the dwarf in the middle of a fight, and when he wakes up let him think he's a berserker and killed all the enemies while everyone else ran away.
914: Said dwarf should never jump into the sewage to get the glowing stone the wizard dropped...
915: ...and then be allowed to walk through the city yelling the names of the wanted criminals he happens to be traveling with while stinking of sewage.
Fear the Light, Embrace the Destruction. DragonDeadite
Bump*
915: Don't try to one turn kill a BBEG during his monlogue that took the DM ages to write.
916: Forgetting to tell people your about to turn into a lycantrophe when you know perfectly well you should is not acceptable.
917: If you sell your soul you may not trick a party member into switching bodies with you for the fun of it.
918: Don't ever call Asmodeus: "the ugly horned guy with the big red rod."
919: Bealzebub doesn't taste nice, no matter what kind of food your character prefers.
920: Dunking friendly PC's or NPC's in lava to give them "Crispy skin with natural armor class." isn't a good idea.
921: Thinking that they have any skin left at all after that is infact stupid.
922: Just becouse your character has an Int score of 3 doesn't give you the right to go nova for a one turn kill on friendly PC's or NPC's.
923: Do not spill your food onto your wizard friend when your about to face an aspect of Tiamat.
924: Insulting the DM's favorite NPC or Deity is not good idea.
925: You do not get to control creatures you have summoned, that goes double if you for any stupid reason have summoned an Archfiend.
926: Doing something from this list because you "Forgot the title" is not a valid excuse.
927: There is infact no valid excuse for doing something from this list.
928: That goes double.. no tripple for 926 and 927.
929: You do not get to ruin the plot by making a stupid pun inbetween.
930: You are not allowed to make stupid puns, period!
931: If you can do 386 damage in one turn on level 5 without being Pun-Pun your character needs to be nerfed even if it was a double crit.
(YES I'M TALKING TO YOU LITTLE MIDGET FEEL YOUR CHAR GETTING NERFED!!)
(no seriusly I have a PC that did that, and the PC's owner is in fact a midget I might add.)
932: It is not a good idea for your character to cheat on his GF if the GF is a Ancient wyrm Darkness dragon.
933: You cannot use a Behir to power your laser gun.
934: You cannot use stink imps as thrown weapons that deal poison gas damage.
935: Kenku's are not allowed to fly no matter how birdlike they are!!!
936: You are to NEVER EVER abuse teleport in any way.
937: The DM decides what is abusing teleport, not you!!

ARGH numbered one short.. next is 939 not 938.
939. No making a dwarf druid with a reindeer as an animal companion
940. said druid may not have an elf cohort and followers who all possess craft: toy making
941. No using parts of dead PCs to lure the Tarrasque to the lair of the BBEG
942. No animal companions the GM has to call a zoo/biologist to confirm the existence of
943. You may not awaken the bush baby, or let it take levels in psion
944. When adventuring with a half-elf, half-roc, half-hobgoblin, and half-dragon, the Dwarf is not allowed to claim he is racially pure
945. Rust monsters may no longer be kept as pets
946. A bag of flour tied to the end of a pole arm is not a rogue on a stick
947. ...no you may not tie the rogue to the end of a pole arm or any other PC for that matter
948. Do not offer to give anyone an enema using a decanter of endless water
949. No inferring the female caster is using wands as sex toys
950. no suggesting that she do so either
951. No using irresistible dance to put on a production of Lord of the Dance
952. No referring to the ring of invisibility as "my precious"
953. No more licking opponents while grappling
954. Using mage hand to goose the princess during court is forbidden
955. “Create water” and “wet t-shirt contest” may not be used in the same sentence
956. The Paladin’s bag of holding is not a toilet
957. Despite appearances, the elf is not a cabana boy
958. Selling chocolate covered crickets is ok; selling chocolate covered poison dart frogs is not
959. You are no longer allowed to wild shape while visiting a brothel
960. The wizard may not craft house slippers of spider climb nor a bath robe of useful things
961: my barbarian/warhulk is not allowed to use the party's gnome as a weapon
962:...or make a special scabard to hold said gnome in
963: I am not allowed to sneack up behind the party's female elf and "support her flank"
964: No reading the "1,001 pranks to play on your DM" thread
965: No reading the "1,001 ways to tell your an evil DM" thread
966. I may not glue/afix/bind Beads of Force to an arrow shaft.
967. I may not drop a sack full of Beads of Force on the enemy fortification.