1001 Hilarious Moments in D&D.

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As the title would suggest, this a thread about those moments in D&D that make you bend over laughing.

My own, in exact quotation:

"Math (my warlock) returns to normal, and walks behind Tyrin (our ranger), and decides to wake the gnoll in a quick and easy fashion: Hitting the whelp between the legs with a rock.

Admittedly, not the best fashion, but the most satisfying one."
Party (1st level) is trying to get into a restricted section of an ancient library. A few guards at the entrance.

Me: We need a distraction. Odds are I can't sleep all 3 of them.

Warlock: Ok, give me a second.

*Warlock strips off clothes*

Rest of party: o_O

*Warlock runs towards guards*

Warlock: (shouting) This is my BOOMSTICK! (Pelvic thrust)

*Warlock runs away from guards and party*

*Guards follow*
talking with a friend, he was choosing race for a Barbarian character.

friend: why orcs doesn't have racial skill bonuses? they should have at least +2 to intimate

me: intimate? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! orcs with +2 intimate, HAHAHAHA!!!
Putting "oil of slipperiness on the paladin's saddle was awesome.
1.

Erymantis (Dragonborn Warlord and my character): <> (we had 15 days to reach a location and a 5-days travel to make)
Vasilius (Human - crazy - Wizard): <>

A bit of a metagaming, but it made everyone laugh. :D

2.

DM: <>
ME:: <>
DM: <>
ME: <>
DM: <>
ME: <>
DM: <>

*people make opportunity attacks and kill the wizard*

DM: <>

The round after...

DM: <>
ME: <<...who is dead...>>

*everybody laughs*
we had a very "order of the stick" moment a while ago

our group's dragonborn paladin kept missing with his powers and after 2-3 turns i decided to look over his character sheet. turns out he didn't upgrade his attack bonuses from leveling or added weapon proficiency (along with enchantment bonus from the magical weapons). his +4's should have been at least +10 (+8 for his breath). when he read "STR VS AC" on the power descriptions he simply misread it.

so suddenly the poor enemy got an extra 2 gashes on him and died suddenly by caustic burns :P. our pally then started hitting FAR more often.
3rd ed SRD, character sheets, errata & free modules 4th ed test drive - modules, starter rules, premade characters and character builder & character sheet, errata Free maps and portraits, dice, printable graph paper, campaign managing website, image manipulation program + token maker & zone markers

"All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR **** LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that's gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!" -Cave Johnson, Portal 2
This happened in our most recent session:
Watching the Wizard roll a natural 1 for every attack/spell he tried - except for the Acid Arrow. THAT he critted with. In the dead center of a melee. Acid flew everywhere, hitting friend & foe alike.
The target gnoll - disolved,
The Warlord - went negative,
The Fighter & the Paladin went from OK to suddenly crippled,
And a whole lot of spear wielding Gnolls who were next on the inititive order? They all lived & were mightly annoyed....

Two rounds later it was a TPK.
My swordmage who had (cinematically) a hammer, standing over a rat screaming "I AM YOUR GOD! BOW DOWN TO ME!" and crushing it when it refused.
If anything I say is wrong, clueless or spelt incorrectly, it is because, I am, in general, wrong, clueless and... Well, I'm usually spelt correctly.
First gaming session I tried diving under a cart to save on time to get into combat... My half-elf two-bladed ranger, who was trained in acrobatics, prompty rolled on a 1 on the acrobatics check and knocked himself unconscious under the cart, and sat there for most of the fight!

A couple of sessions ago, I was the first person in our party to ever be knocked into negative HP, so made my saving throws. In the turn I went down, the halfling swordmage next to me shouted at the top of his lungs, "I will avenge you!" And promptly greenflame bladed the sucker into two halves, he stabalised me, turned to me yelled, "You have been avenged," in the same angered tone as before.
Paladin: All right I'll charge in first towards the Ogre-Mage.
GM: He casts fireball at you. *roll, roll* 25 damage.
Paladin: Um. Guys. Did we remember to heal up after the last fight.
Cleric: Uh oh, no. How many hp you have?
Paladin: 2.
In one of my old groups for some unexplanned reason we all made our characters 15 or 16 years old. For role-playing, we adopted a teenagers sense of humor. So we're gaming and come to a wizards tower and the doors are huge. My character turns to everyone and says, " Oh we should like put poop in a bag and light it on fire and put it on the step ahahaha". Everyones like OH YEAH ! So our barbarian Gorlach takes a raging **** in a bag and lights it on fire. So we all run and make hide checks and roll terribly. The doors open and a huge iron golem cames out and stands there staring at the flaming bag. He lifts his giant leg and stomps out the flames. Then he lifts up his leg and stares at his foot. In a robotic voice he says, " It's poop.. again". DM makes us role Will saves, we all fail and die laughing.
While playing Keep on the Shadowfell, our characters ran afoul of some Hobgoblins during the final dungeon.

My character, a semi-larcenous Paladin of Avandra, and the defacto leader of the party, decides that we should try to bluff our way through it.

So upon meeting them, my character prompts the Hobgoblins for the secret code and begins barking orders and demands at them. One of the smarter Hobgoblins decides to question my characters "authority" so I loudly demand that he be executed for his insolence. A bluff check is rolled and the end result is the Hobgoblin squad leader being hacked to pieces by his comrades, who then effaced themselves before the party and sycophantically escorted us through the dungeon.

In a different campaign, my group and I were all playing characters with some type of spellcasting ability or another. So it happened that we found ourselves in Cormyr (3rd Edition Realms game) and had to register our adventuring party.

When asked what we call ourselves, the leader said "Call us...The Hex-Men"
From last night's game:
Gnome Captain: Crewman! The ship is quickly taking on water from the river Styx. Go below and plug the hole. Do what'ere it takes. Use yer hands if ye need to.
Crewman: Aye, aye Captain Er... captain; what did I go below decks for? By the way, did you know that we're taking on water?
Many years ago I played in a two person game, me a tough as nails minotaur and my partner an odd little tinker gnome who made grenades. Seemed an odd partnership but we often got the job done. Eventually we found ourselves cornered by a rather large red dragon. We ducked behind a large stone slab and remembering the many times the gnomes flash grenades had saved our hides I called out "hand me one of them flash bombs", the gnome quickly rummaged through his bag for the properly labeled grenade and handed it to me with a confident grin. We both sprang from behind our stone slab of cover and I launched the grenade with all my minotaurian might. Rolled a nat 20 and hit the dragon right between the eyes. There was a moment of silence as me and the gnome stood there gaping as no flash was present. The dragon sniffed the air and said "emmmm petunia" right before it burned us to ashes with its breath.
You see the tinker gnome had the dreadful habit of mis labeling his grenades and the one I threw was actually a potpourri grenade. ;)
Game Quote of the Week: Me: "That seems like a great idea for a character, I'm still thinking about what I want to make." Friend: "You've had your character made for the last 15 years, your going to make a dwarf ranger." Me: "I was thinking about some kind of warrior that uses nature magic, maybe a race with a close connection to earth and stone." Friend: *shakes his head*
we were rescuing a king and he was bound and gagged (i was DM)
,when they finally found him and tried to talk to him, they all forgot about the gag.
So the convosation went a bit like this

Fighter:why are you here
King:mmhhuhhhehhh
cleric:why cant you speak
King:muhhahhhammm!!
Halfling pally:dont worry every one i speak muffled!

so every one is was like "what?!" so we had a look at his sheet and his secondary language was actully "muffled" he had put it down as a joke when he started cause he couldnt think of a language.

halfling paliden:mhuheehhhee ahgh
king:meehhhgggg
(more of this for about 30-40 second) while we ar all laughing our asses off)
figher:what did he say
halfing:i dont know
fighter:what
halfling: his accent is atrocius

UPROARIUS LAUGHTER
Our party was just finishing a fight on a road with some kobolds and one tried to run away, but collapsed. The rogue wanted to talk to him, but the paladin wanted to finish him off. They're both running towards him, but the rogue was closer and faster, so this happens:
Paladin: "I throw my bastard sword at him."
DM: "Can he do that?"
Me: "Sure. Whether or not he can hit him is another matter."
DM: "Fine. Make an attack roll."
Paladin: *rolls a natural 20*
So, I described this character in AP, but I feel it belongs here, as well. For the record, never, ever let a low wisdom swashbuckler into a game. bad idea. So, here is my character.

Believe it or not, the most bravado I've ever put into a character was actually a female. A swashbuckler with an int of 18 and a wis of 7. The DM let me have a flying carpet (bad idea 1). She had enough intelligence to come up with some seriously bat guano crazy ideas, and not enough wisdom to always nix them (letting this character through the design phase: bad idea 2). At one point, a church we broke into had a skylight (we weren't exactly nice people; also, bad idea 3.) We called her "Stupid **** While Flying." Good times...


EDIT: Oh, and for the record, the flying carpet was actually in no way involved in the skylight incident. It was a hell of an entrance though. Too bad no one was there to witness it.
One of our first games ever (This was the beginning of 3E), my party and I were walking up a hostile tower to try and find some information about what was happening in a local town.

When we got to the top we tried to break down the door but couldn't. A man opened it up and freaking out everyone one of us attacked (5 member party), and everyone of us managed to CRIT him, resulting in massive amounts of damage and killing him in an instant.

Our DM just stood there looking at us with his mouth wide open.

What we didn't know is that the man we crit was a spy gathering information on our behalf and was basically going to lay everything out for us. Unfortunately the DM had to basically alter things to try and let us discover what we needed to ourselves.
Our wizard, the great Uff, had a hamster that he had spent months training as a ninja attack hamster. He planned to use the poor critter as a ranged weapon, and before going into the dungeon, he declared that he had put the hamster "in a jar with plenty of food and a small water bottle." They were in the dungeon for about two days before they encountered the bad guy they had to destroy. The wizard whipped out the jar and threw it, yelling "Sic him, Roy!" (the hamster's name).

Well, while the hamster did indeed have plenty of food and water, what the wizard forgot was to punch holes in the lid. The dead hamster proved ineffective.
One of my players created a character named Ned Stopdash. Every time anyone would ask for his name he would say, "I am Ned Stopdash... The Chosen One." We didn't know who had chosen him or what that entailed, but he always referred to himself as "The Chosen One."

He made another character named Fistandifilus the Conflagrator who would cast fireball pretty much as his default spell. "I know an Intimidate spell!"

"Nooo!"
As the title would suggest, this a thread about those moments in D&D that make you bend over laughing.

My own, in exact quotation:

"Math (my warlock) returns to normal, and walks behind Tyrin (our ranger), and decides to wake the gnoll in a quick and easy fashion: Hitting the whelp between the legs with a rock.

Admittedly, not the best fashion, but the most satisfying one."

Back in 2ed, our adventuring company was traveling down a tunnel when we came to a rather long and VERY deep pit. We tossed a coin into the pit and it took a while to hit bottom. Across the pit was a 1 foot ledge and then an shut door with no knob. We discussed it for a while and came up with the plan to tie a rope around the monk's waist and have him jump across. With his increased movement, he'd be able to jump the farthest. A few seconds later the monk rolled and it was determined that he not only made it across the pit, but also went two feet feet further......straight into the door. He then rolled a 1 to catch himself and fell backwards into the pit. Good thing our knot held.
I told Ska "Look, Skamos, no setting people on fire. It's not polite."
"Awww." Ska is our resident pyromaniacal helllock.
"Unless you set Mir and Il on fire; then it's funny!" Mir and Il (usually referred to as Miranil in the same vein as Samneric) were our drow cleric and wizard.

Rael, my cleric: "Pelor is all about peace, Alak."
Alak, the swordmage: "Then why are you carrying around such a huge sunblade?"
Rael looked from side to side, leaned over and whispered...
"I'm secretly overcompensating."

Gina the barbarian: "I whack it with Gnomly [the gnome]."

Alak the swordmage, commenting on Gina's annihilatey properties: "Anyone else find it weird that a half-elf woman is wreaking more destruction than the rest of us put together?"
Playing a smoke element human rogue, our group runs into the BBEG way sooner than we should, and he starts making a speech about how he'll get the world-destroying artifacts first, blah, blah. My rogue figures "F' this!", whips out his trusty crossbow, and proceeds to get three 20s.

The DM quickly retconned this out to regular crit damage, but I killed the villain and we all knew it. :D
Playing a 3.0 shifter was cool. I actually made the DM have to say stuff to the rest of the party like "you see several crocodiles. One of them appears to be wearing a chain shirt." or my favourite "Ok the paladin returns to the campfire to find the rest of the party save the druid sitting with a troll, who appears to be offering you a ...cigar"

or maybe my favourite was when my wild elf ranger, prestiged into that dex version of barbarian with primal scream, (no con penalty woot!) with an insane amount of favoured enemy bonuses against drow, thanks to substitution levels, who happened to be polymorphed into a drow against his will, managed to kill a drow cleric... with a fork. The crit hurt him bad.
This is back in 3.5 again, but the beauty about our group is that each person genuinely acted like their character in real life, namely our Barbarian.

We were fighting an underwater battle against a Tiger Shark that we weren't supposed to be able to kill, we just had to stall it long enough to free our boat.

Well the Tiger Shark comes up and swallows our Barbarian, and gets spooked and starts to swim down into the Ocean with the Barbarian inside (Me the druid managed to get a quick regen on the Barbarian before he got swallowed).

Well instead of trying to escape even though he was taking large amounts of damage each round, he decides to search for the Shark's heart and rolls a natural 20.

When the DM tells him that he found it without even thinking of what his character would do he just yells "HEART!" and cuts it open killing the shark immediately. He then manages to escape and get back to the surface with literally 1 HP left.
Another was a 3.5 fighter concept that one of our players was thinking of doing.

He said "Its a sundering fighter! I specialize in destroying people's weapons while we fight!"

Our group's response, "OMG NO!"

Him, "Why I would really help battles to go easier!"

Us, "We want those weapons!"
The paladin and his party is recruited by a mage to go to a pocket dimension, fight the guardians there, and reclaim an ancient, powerful, and cursed evil sword for destruction.

The party goes, and sees that it's a big two-hander; the paladin bravely offers to carry it on his back for the rest of the mission, even taking encumbrance penalties. They finally battle their back to safety, and the paladin surrenders the sword to the wizard.

Who quickly transforms into their evil nemesis.."Thank you for handing me this powerfuly Holy Blade. I shall teleport away now and reforge it into an artifact of incredible unholy power!" *poof*
my group was called by our patron to guard her 2nd ship as we made our way to an island a few months away. we just gained 2 more party members.

as the group is boarding the ship it looks like this:

paladin in shining armor strolls aboard the ship
halfling in battle-worn armor ride his raptor aboard the ship
cleric shuffles into the boat in his normally dour fashion
beguiler sashays into the ship looking all pretty-like
dwarf warily trudges into the boat

now remember that this group was about level 5, so they have a few magic items shown and since they are on pay roll, their stuff looks nice.

my warlock on the other hand looks like a younger version of this fellow:

just swap the dog for a capuchin monkey.

he looks like this for to 2 reasons :
1) RP. he used to be virtually homeless... he lived in a rundown shed and sleeps on a pile of leaves on an island of misfits. he's just more comfortable in loose clothing then the fancy stuff.
2) strategy. who looks more threating: the sword weilding paladin in shining armor, or the hobo with a sammish and a monkey?
3) glamored chainmail rocks.

now, imagine that fellow following a party of adventurers. the scene pretty much plays out like this:

Noble who owns boat we're renting stops me as i'm making my way on the pier into the boat
Noble: where do you think you're going, you filthy vagrant?!
Me: *un-glamors his armor & tips his hat and gives a crazy grin* Imma go'in onna boat ride! Wait up guys!
3rd ed SRD, character sheets, errata & free modules 4th ed test drive - modules, starter rules, premade characters and character builder & character sheet, errata Free maps and portraits, dice, printable graph paper, campaign managing website, image manipulation program + token maker & zone markers

"All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR **** LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that's gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!" -Cave Johnson, Portal 2
Our party had just finished a battle, and we were deciding on what to do next. My character decided to wander off and check to see if anyone was nearby. I came upon a door and tried to listen, but didn't hear anything, so I pushed the door open, but it turned out to be trapped and it fell on me. Despite the weight of the door I managed to get from under just as the rest of the party came up, which then went like this:

Wizard: What happened?
Me: The door was in my way so I knocked it over.
Wizard: couldn't just open it like a normal person?
Me: When I have been normal?
Wizard: Fair enough, but answer me this...
Me: What?
Wizard: If you knocked it over, why did it fall out instead of in?
Me: Because I'm cool like that and you need to stop asking questions.
Wizard: It fell on you didn't it?
Me: If that happened, I would still be under there, wouldn't I? Stupid wizard, let's go.

In another fight with a troll, the entire party found an obscene amount of humor in the troll's backhand blow reaction ability, and so we all took turns pushing it relentlessly, to which it kept beating our warlord to death because he was always within reach... thankfully the warlord survived the encounter, but not before he pushed it too and got backhanded again.
Way back in 2nd Edition, I was playing the Ogre Mercenary who is responsible for my user name. Oh, he was a big, nasty customer, I rolled 18s on both Strength, and Intelligence, of all scores.

So, the party, which also included a Drow Wizard, Saural Cleric, and Aspis (a type of insectoid that was from an old Dragon Magazine issue) Thief, was headed into town, when we got stopped by the pair of guards at the town gate.

DM: Okay, the first guard brandishes his spear and says "Hey, we don't allow your-"

Me: I grin down at the two guards and crack my knuckles.

DM: The guard breaks off in mid sentence, looks at the other guard, looks back at you, and says "On second thought, enjoy your stay."
Back in 1st Ed AD&D, we had a a game session that we afterwards dubbed "The Castle Of The Paranoid Magic-User".
Our high-level adventuring party had (among other characters) a paladin, an eyepatch wearing ranger, a Cleric (all humans), and two Demi-humans, a gnome thief/illusionist, and my halfling "ranger" (actually a fighter/thief, but his Move Silently, Climb, and Move Silently skills were optimized for outdoors use, so he claimed to be a Ranger.)

Anywho, the DM informed us that the Council of Eight had asked us to investigate for them the tower of a Magic-User who's apprentice described as "acting oddly" a few days ago, and who's house/tower complex suddenly had every door and window to the outside suddenly disappear the next morning.

Deciding that the only way to get in was going to be through the sewer system, we descended down into the muck, which was waist deep on the humans, and neck deep on me. James' gnome, however...
For a few desperate moments, we splashed around looking for him (He'd descended first), when we heard a odd whizzing noise and observed the gnome, who was utilizing the FLY power of his intelligent magic sword to...well, ski on top of the sludge!

Emerging from the mage's privy, we found ourselves in the midst of a odd, dangerous maze trapped with the most bizarre collection of traps we'd ever seen, all of them insane twists on the standard versions of most magical or mechanical traps common to fantasy.
Examples?
Try a 50' x 50' room with a seven foot across spiked trench bisecting the floor. The Paladin took a running jump, determined to clear the trench... only to hit the Reverse Gravity effect and ended up skewered on the spikes in the ceiling!
Another room had multiple pits scattered across it, again with spikes in the bottom of most (one had green slime, and another had a teleport portal at the bottom that popped the victim back to the top to drop all over again, forever and ever), however, the twist in this room was that the entire floor (and thus, the pits) was invisible.
Or the maze which quickly filled to (human) neck-level with tapioca pudding. Only my hafling's Necklace of Adaptation saved his life from a very messy end. Yeah, try explaining at the Tavern afterwards that you had to breathe tapioca pudding to survive a trap...
Or, the spiral staircase that was trapped to turn into a slide dropping the PC's into a pit with three hungry otyughs in it. The underside, however, had another reverse gravity on it, which could be used to safely "descend" up to trap-door set into the upper floor.

When we finally got to the top floor of the manor in order to cross the covered bridge to the top of the magic-user's tower, my halfling was actually in the best shape (James and I were pretty much only making our Detect Traps rolls around just under 50% of the time) due solely to being the only PC with a Ring of Regeneration. The Cleric and Paladin were both out of healing spells by then, and the magic-abuser was standing at the far end of the covered hall, taunting us. Then, James made a lucky roll.
"Guys, notice anything about the flagstones in the hall?"
Every single one of them had been covered in Explosive Runes.
That was when I tuned across the table to Ivan (the Ranger's player) and asked him if he was familiar with the X-Men. "Gimme a Fastball Special, Ollie."
Alex, our DM had Ivan make a Bend Bars/Lift Gates check to cover the throw. Alex, looking at the roll, declared that Mallor Took, My halfling, only cleared half of the hallway's length.
The explosions bounced him around the inside of the hallway like a rubber ball, until his blasted, burned corpse bounced out past the cackling mage into the room behind him.
Ivan looked at all apologetic, while James, Steve and Karen (the Paladin and the Cleric's players) had this "what did you do that for?" look.
"Bear, man, sorry... now what? I'm out of bolts for my crossbow, and no-one but James can get through there, but you heard the wizard! If he tries, James will take a lightning bolt right between the eyes!"
"Just keep him busy for, oh, say, eleven turns (or rounds, whichever is longer)." James got it, but everyone else, including Alex, had forgotten the ring.
Several dozen insults (and at exactly one hit point) later, the magic-user discovered that no matter how powerful a spell they may be able to cast, a +3 frost-brand short-sword (backstabbed) between the shoulder blades really cramps their style...
The sycophants and EULA quoters aren't worth our time. 4E =/= Essentials; Essentials =/= 4E. To WotC/DDI: GO "SOON" YOURSELVES. Internet Rule #41. Needs moar Desu. No exceptions.
This is a pretty funny one.

Me (DM): Okay there is a large oaken door ahead of you. it appears to be barred shut.

Caz (a rogue): It might not be barred. I attept to pick the lock. [bad roll]

Me: Nope, it fails.

Altos (a paladin whose on his horse): Lets do this my way! I ram the door with my lance! [really bad roll]

Me: You ram the door. Too bad for you, you can hear a cracking noise as the lance splits in half against the thick oak wood of the door. Because your horse is going forward and your not (because of the lance against the door) you fall on your butt, lance in hand.

Altos: S***!
A while ago now, in a 3.5 game one of the player's in our group (fighter/mage) was trapped in a small iron cage and failed to break free. He came up with a brilliant idea and cast enlarge person on himself in the hope his extra size would bust open the cage. It was a poor choice, the cage did not break but he did.
Three quickies.

1st:
I was DM'ing for my tabletop group. They were chasing after a druid, who had gone bilghter, and sent a couple of dinosaurs after them. They waxed the dinos, and were after the druid. She was shapshifted into a predatory bird, and had dropped a firestorm on them. This angered our dwarven fighter, who even though he had a ring of fire resistance, still got his beard burned pretty badly. He managed to spot her, and climbed (thanks to his other ring, a ring of climbing) up the tree she was hiding in, and could see her bird-form.

The party hired an NPC wizard, since they had no wizard. The wizard could not spot the bird in the tree foliage, but the bulky dwarf in full plate armor was the literal broad side of the barn. The wizard calls out, "Connovar, can you see the bird?" His response? "Aye, she not more'n 5 feet above me."

Seconds later the rumbling of an empowered fireball engulfed our dwarven warrior. The table erupted in laughter. The player's response was best. He was totally surprised at the attack. "How was I supposed to know he was gonna toss a fireball?" A player's reply: "He's basically an evoker. What'd you expect him to do?"

We still ask the player if he can "see the bird". :-)


2nd:

The party was engaging a couple of trolls underground. During the fight, the rogue notices a secret compartment on a wall. Being the naturally greedy type, he keeps this information to himself. Later, the party moved to a secret room, they had found, to recoup after dealing with the nasty trolls.

The rogue, claiming he hears noise, tells the other watchers, he's going to investigate. The other watch members are heavy armor types, so they're not good at sneaking around. They decide to stay guarding the camp, and the rogue should call out if he finds anything.

The rogue returns to the troll room, and does his thing on the compartment. When he pops open the compartment, he finds himself buried under 10,000+ copper coins. The DM did give him a chance to avoid it. He rolls the d20, and gets a natural 1. The heavy armor types hear a 'noise', and wake the party to go investigate. The DM was gracious enough to allow for the rogue's head to be exposed.

He didn't die, but we didn't let him go investigate anything alone anymore.

3rd:

"Major Friendly Fire." This is more of a running gag than anything else. One of our 4e players is a pyromanical tiefling wizard. Who doesn't care if he gets his own party with his spells. Every time he gets more than 1 party memeber in area of effect, he gets a 'promotion'. He's gone from private, corporal, sergeant, lieutenant, captain, and is now a major as of the last session. We're not sure where to go after general. Maybe we'll shift to navy ranks.

PS. I am aware that ranks do not go this way. I've got enlisted and officer ranks in the same pool. It's just a silly thing.

Hope somebody liked that.
the "assworms" incident:

i was DM'ing a monstrous campaign in 3rd via the savage species and the group was carrying specific orders to retrieve an item, a platinum diadem, for their patron (a demon who's powers were sealed away in various items).

when they landed on the island, which was a known retreat for nobles, they noticed the animals were acting... strange. the pixie examined their behavior a bit more indepth and found that the animals seemed to be communicating information to each other.

the party knew they were being spied on and that all their movements were being relayed to various members on the lookout. the spies in this scenario are the Tsochar, teleknetic parasites from the far realm that burrow into the mind of living creatures to take control. the tsochar had a system setup for capture & enslavement, as well as the teleknetic network (via the animals, forest or domesticated, and some of the commoners. not including the 4 hill giants the tsochar had "imported" from the north for quick enslavement, as the party soon found out) they had setup so they could keep an eye out on specific people they want to take over.

[i'm getting to the funny part, be patient]

the party deced that the best course of action would be to barter with the tsochar for the diadem which they (successfully guessed) was in the tsochar's posession. after a nice little mineshaft ride to the underground complex, the group had their "face" a young medusa who had yet to develop her petrification powers meet up with the head of the tsochar (who was wearing the diadem). the tsochar were ecstatic at the thought of having a medusa under their control so they asked to have the two discuss in private.

all this time the pixie was invisible throughout the entire time on the island. the head tsochar brings the medusa (and the invisible pixie, flying overhead) to his office so she can be grabbed by his guards.

at this point he relays a teleknetic message to kill the party.

[here is when sh*t hits the fan for me as DM and the party goes crazy]

when the door is closed and the guards attempting to grab the medusa, the pixie uses his sleight of hand skill to swipe the diadem from the leader's head and quickly move & shove it in his bag of holding.

roll initiative

pixie goes first, launches his only amnesia arrow on leader... hits... leader fails will save. he has no clue what is going on now, nor who (or what) he is.

pixie, pointing at the 2 guards who are trying to grab the poor medusa, yells: HURRY THEY'RE TRYING TO HURT HER! and of course bluffs the pants of the confused leader.

the leader, who was a monk with several levels above the party, jumps from behind the desk in confusion, punches out his own guards, and the 3 proceed to rescue the rest of the party from the other tsochar, who are now confused as their leader just suddenly vanished from the mindnet.

the party then frees the rest of the slaves (remember the 4 hill giants? yeah they are pretty f'ing ****** at this point) and lets them loose on the tsochar, who quickly get overrun by several scared and angry animals, a mind-wiped monk, 4 pcs and 4 very large, VERY angry hill giants.

at this point the party grabs their insider from the town, sets a few fires in town to keep the tsochar busy on that end and skedaddle ASAP.

the pixie then had the leader go out and find him something, i don't remember what though, i think it was a powerful bow he heard about.

last they heard in that campaign the hill giants were still running amok and the town never recovered. the tsochar... well... who knows.
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"All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR **** LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that's gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!" -Cave Johnson, Portal 2
Our party held the high ground on a hill against a team of orcs. The decision was to charge down hill and smash into their line. As the party went down hill the faster characters got a little ahead of the dwarf.

Half the way down the dwarf failed his check and tripped in the tall grass. A bowling ball therefore smashed into the rest of the party from behind and all had to make saving rolls to see who was still on their feet.

Now my DM had created a critical failure table where if you rolled a 1 you rolled again. A 1 on the critical failure table meant you stabbed yourself with your weapon.

2 out of 6 characters were seriously wounded by their own weapons and only 1 out of 6 kept their feet.

The DM decided the orcs had to make a sav or burst out laughing and fortunately most of them failed.

We lost the encounter, and our dignity, but at least out pathetic attempt at charging them won us their pity.

They ransomed us off and when we were found by the local authorities we were all wearing dunce caps.
This is a pretty funny one.

Me (DM): Okay there is a large oaken door ahead of you. it appears to be barred shut.

Caz (a rogue): It might not be barred. I attept to pick the lock. [bad roll]

Me: Nope, it fails.

Altos (a paladin whose on his horse): Lets do this my way! I ram the door with my lance! [really bad roll]

Me: You ram the door. Too bad for you, you can hear a cracking noise as the lance splits in half against the thick oak wood of the door. Because your horse is going forward and your not (because of the lance against the door) you fall on your butt, lance in hand.

Altos: S***!

The DM seriously allowed him to charge a door mounted on a horse? The horse would probably balk at being asked to run at charging speed full on into a wall or door. Lances only stick out a few feet beyond the front of the horse and there's no possible way for it to even slow down before it impacts into the building and probably breaks a leg or neck.
Our party held the high ground on a hill against a team of orcs. The decision was to charge down hill and smash into their line. As the party went down hill the faster characters got a little ahead of the dwarf.

Half the way down the dwarf failed his check and tripped in the tall grass. A bowling ball therefore smashed into the rest of the party from behind and all had to make saving rolls to see who was still on their feet.

Now my DM had created a critical failure table where if you rolled a 1 you rolled again. A 1 on the critical failure table meant you stabbed yourself with your weapon.

2 out of 6 characters were seriously wounded by their own weapons and only 1 out of 6 kept their feet.

The DM decided the orcs had to make a sav or burst out laughing and fortunately most of them failed.

We lost the encounter, and our dignity, but at least out pathetic attempt at charging them won us their pity.

They ransomed us off and when we were found by the local authorities we were all wearing dunce caps.

Wait just a minute. A check for charging and a critical fumbles table? Holy jeebus! Two completely made up things cost you the battle. This DM needs to be Hammergunned. Yesterday. He took pleasure in torturing you with arbitrarily made-up rules! Bad! Bad I say!
Resident Prophet of the OTTer.

Section Six Soldier

Front Door of the House of Trolls

[b]If you're terribly afraid of your character dying, it may be best if you roleplayed something other than an adventurer.[/b]

Wait just a minute. A check for charging and a critical fumbles table? Holy jeebus! Two completely made up things cost you the battle. This DM needs to be Hammergunned. Yesterday. He took pleasure in torturing you with arbitrarily made-up rules! Bad! Bad I say!

I'd consider the check for charging to be a Balance check for running full tilt down a hill.

My story:

I had an insane Alienist elf wizard in one of the campaigns I played. In the course of 4 combat rounds, I went prone, stood up, and went prone again repettedly. I threw a few things in between the prone and standing, like moving or casting, but it was humorous nonetheless.

He was so much fun to play...
The party (a Tiefling Wizard, a Shifter Ranger, Dwarf Fighter, Drow Rogue, Dragonborn Cleric) enter a Bastion where they can heal the spellplague (taint) from them.
it was dark, not even the drow's darkvision was able to penetrate the darkness so follow this:

Drow: wizard, light up some could you?
Wizard: *cast light snapping his fingers*

~ nothing happens ~

Wizard: *cast prestidigitation to change the dwarfs armor to pink, snapping his fingers the same way* Its not working! the light its not working

Wizard: *keep snapping his fingers casting prestidigitation to change all the party member's clothes to weird and gay colors* c'mon, isn't working... my magic? where is it (bluff check succeded)

Suddenly, a creature appears from a hole on the roof, it was a creature similar to Anima from Final Fantasy X, carrying with him sorrow and despair, the whole place light up in a supernatural light and everybody saw what the wizard was up to.

the wizard keep using Prestidigitation to change all the Dwarf's beers into troll **** its also fun, but that above was hilarious
pretty much all of our games are laugh-a-minute but off the top of my head:

Way back in my current group's first game, I was the DM and introduced the now canon "Magic hole in the jail cell". Basically the magic hole was a bowl-sized divot in the floor of a jail cell. It was the magical equivalent of a toilet for prisoners. One would do one's business in the hole, and the hole would disintegrate your unwanted waste. The players experimented with it; prodding it with their fingers, throwing their clothes in it, etc etc, but only urine and feces were disintegrated in the hole.

A few games later, the players (with new characters) find themselves in a prison cell with (you guessed it) a magic hole in the corner. The Wizard of the party boldly proclaims "I CHOOSE to defecate!". He does so. The waste product does not disintegrate. This confuses the party. They poke and prod. Experiment some more. Get their hands dirty. Then spend several hours in a prison cell staring at a lump of poo in a hole. After some time, they are becoming tired and hungry and irritable due to the smell.

"A small hatch, hidden on the wall above the magic hole opens up, and rice begins to pour out"

The wizard bellows his best "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and slow-motion dives to save the rice. He fails his roll and lands face first in the magic hole.

The rest of the party ate rice off the back of his head and the wizard cried himself to sleep that night.

----

Another game, another place, another wizard (named Gary):

This is a ~level 13 campaign IIRC, and Gary had invested in a flying broomstick. He was very proud of it. Often lording his extra dimension of movement over the rest of us in the party. Often foiling the DM who hadn't accounted for the extra mobility that flight provides.

The party is trekking through a swamp. It is night time and pretty dark, so a party member lights a torch. Shortly after, they discover that the gas bubbling up from the swamp is mildly explosive (to the amusement of some, the loss of HP to others). The torch is snuffed quickly.

The party slog though the muck for several hours in the dark, until they notice firelight in the trees. With the help of some nightvision the party discovers they have just been ambushed by some nasty looking lizardmen wielding bows with flaming arrows.

Gary calmly says "Man, I sure wouldn't want to be on the ground right now..." and slowly rises another 10ft in the air.