1001 things your party does not want to hear you say.

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What are some things your party would not wish to hear you say, and whats the situation? They can be based on real situations you've had in DnD or not (should probably give you a few ideas for comic relief at least :P ).

1. (you're covered in blood) Oh don't worry, its not mine.

2. (Me and my party have been going through a long, dark, winding passage with many side passages and leader goes 'I'm out of beads') Here you go, I picked up the ones you kept dropping (In all fairness though I was only RPing my kobold :P ).

3. (Our party has just FINALLY gotten audience with a demon lord to convince him that his plans to have us killed should be delayed if only to further amuse him and only I can speak infernal. When we leave the chamber, leader asks 'did you convince him to let us live?') I was supposed to do what now?

4. (I'm in a battle against the undead. My party members are right in front of me as well as the undead and I'm a half dragon) Dragonbreath!
(From an amusing player story about a dragon's open mouth being mistaken for an entrance) "Oh, here's the entrance"
WoTC has gotten rid of the forums I came to know and love, if you think that the old Gleemax forums should be restored, add this to your signature.
(Playing a pirate campain and in a room full of gunpowder) Wizard-"I've already cast light today." Barbarian-"Thats OK. I have a torch"

(After having a big fight with a lich, bearly alive, and finding a ring of wishes in the loot) Barbarian-"I wish we could do that again"
oh the lists I have... too bad its 3 am for me...
OOC
I've got an idea!
oops.
can I reroll that?
What feat is that? *said while firing into melee with friends and not taking a -4 to hit (3rd edition)*
*ANY quote from order of the stick!*
IC
this was done in 3rd ed by my 2nd level bard using magical device to convince an artifact I was an undead cleric of nerul rather than an irreligious human bard. "i'm dead!" *got a bloody 35 for my UMD check: natural 20+5 int mod+5 ranks +3 skill emphasis +2 synergy bonus.
10? When your Dynamic Greatsword gets stuck in dagger form, "I swear this has never happened before."

11. "I thought you were bringing the rope." (from a session in which we knocked out all the baddies so we could pry information out of them, but nobody had any rope)

12. "Did anyone else see that?" When you are the only one with blindsight.

13. You are fighting in the upper stories of a wooden tower that is barely more than 30 feet across. OOC "Well... the only spell I have left is my empowered fireball..."
(After having a big fight with a lich, bearly alive, and finding a ring of wishes in the loot) Barbarian-"I wish we could do that again"

HAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!! please tell me they actually had to do the fight again XD
(after discovering the entire goblin horde is behind the next door in the main chamber) "Today IS a good day to die!"- Half-Orc Barbarian just before opening the door
Blackbyrnepublishing.com
(our warlord who is in the front lines (party playing DnD for the first time) gets knocked unconcious, then healed and awakened by our bard, his hitpoints are still pretty low) Dragonborn fighter who is behind the warlord (who is in front of enemy troops) does dragonbreath......after encounter is over and our warlord is out again, DM asks 'wait, couldn't you resist some of that fire damage?'

(NPC commander who is a bit of a prick and in a bad mood just hears that his daughter is missing and is told that they've checked everywhere) My character replies 'Did you check my bed?'

(The town our party was in was mysteriously teleported to a place surrounded by mountains, commander asks his lieutenant where he 'got these clowns from' (our party)) I indicate the mountains and reply 'the mountains'
18. "Can I skin it?" (I had a dreamsight shifter who skinned and took other trophies from his kills. My party had the traumatic experience of seeing him skin a huge naga after a battle. :D But they had no problems with the owlbearskin rug decorating our inn. )
19.) I'm rolling up an yet another new PC.....
Pax Pro Eo Optimus Arma Teabeeyea
20) "Oops." - Rogue failing a check to disarm a trap. Hilarity and stomache-churning carnage ensue.
21) Screw it...I drop Fireball!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!! please tell me they actually had to do the fight again XD

Yes we did. It was a TPK. That player was never EVER aloud to play a barbarian again.
22. "How do you guys feel about rolling up some new characters before this session? You know. Just in case."

23. "Roll for sanity."
24. "I whip it out and pee on the zombie." (this actually happened in one of my dm's previous groups)

25. "This kinda reminds me of Silent Hill."
26. (we were fighting a shadow demon) "I cast magic missile. AT THE DARKNESS!!!"

27. (One player was running a womanizing fighter and he runs into a pregnant women claim to be carrying his child) "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

28. (I was playing a Deva Invoker that died, but none of us wanted to wait for me to make a new PC so the DM had my Deva be reborn right after I died.) The DM flips a coin. "Tails. Your now woman." Flips it again "Heads. And your naked."
From the cleric: "I'm pregnant" (Amusingly, the DM dreads this more.)
I had a fantastic DM named Justin who used to get some of his words slightly confused so:

30. The warrior is HUGE! And he is dressed in loose fitting cossacks! (he meant cassocks)

31. (We were playing Vampire: Middle Ages) Your enemy stands before you, menacingly wielding a lightsabre! (he meant light CAVALRY sabre)

And here are some from the game I'm DMing:

32. ("You want me to SEDUCE the bartender?!") "He's a gnome. You won't feel a thing."

33. (Just before facing the end-of-campaign Boss) "Did we remember to rest before coming here?"

;)
(After a moment of frustration dealing with one of the other PCs) "**** it, Eldritch Blast."
As DM:


You guys all have a Reflex of 91, right?
Shaman: "Why doesn't the squirrel shoot the wizard?" DM: "Because the last squirrel who tried to shoot the wizard missed, then was pulled out of his tree and incinerated." Wizard: "He has a point."
36: Does a 41 hit you (DM against 1st level party).

37: That looks valuable (barbarian staring at a sleeping young sliver dragon)

38: Wish I hadn't used Elven Accuracy already. I could reroll the crit I just rolled with my fireball on John's Fighter.

39: Fighter: Ouch I just took 2 crits in a row, will you heal me? Cleric: If I wasn't stunned, taking ongoing 10 fire, ongoing 5 psychic damage, about to go down on my own turn, and already out of healing words, I would.

40: They took me down in one round? Really? Guess I should have removed the "open season for brutes" sign from my chest.
"I have an idea..."

These words, from our fighter, cause the whole party to groan. His last idea involved trying to take empty bombshells and refill them with beer to make beer-bombs. We're still not sure where he got empty bombshells...
Seriously, though, you should check out the PbP Haven. You might also like Real Adventures, IF you're cool.
Knights of W.T.F.- Silver Spur Winner
4enclave, a place where 4e fans can talk 4e in peace.
We had a wizard, the famous Uffgart, who earned the nickname of "Snuffgart" for his habit of casting total overkill spells that more often than not put his own party on the brink of death, if not snuffing them altogether. We all shuddered when we heard him say "I cast..."
(3.5 ed. My lvl 5 pally is leading the group across some plains and in the distance is some giants. I fail my spot... everyone else succeeds. Without thinking I turn to the mage and yell "Fire!" DM: 10 stone giants just got angry with you.)

(I'm playing a dervish, 11th lvl, 3.5ed. Our group runs into some minatuars with x4 oversized crit weapons.) DM: The one nearest you (rolls) ... crits you. (roll damage). Mike, how hit points does your dervish have? Me: 129. DM: You just lost 120 of that. :D
Me as warlock this is going to hurt you guys but SORRY right before dropping a feast of souls on 3 swarms of spiders as well as our fighter and druid.

Our warforged fighter saying Im taking the silver candle sticks stepping into a ritual circle with ornate candles. He ended up letting out an imp that we had to fight.
The DM, pouring all the dice he has out on the table and plucking out a double handful- "I don't have enough d6s for this roll"
An Orc walks into a bar. The Human and the Elf laugh at the hapless Orc. The dwarf walks under it scowling and doesn't laugh. He doesn't see the humor. It was all over his head
"I wait until the party falls asleep and then I pick their pockets"

"Scooby. Shaggy. You check out the cellar. Velma, Daphney, and I are going to look around on the second floor."
As a DM:

"You see a group of Drow..."

"It doesn't look trapped"

"What's your Will defense?"

"You're out of healing surges, aren't you?" (Almost always the Barbarian who thinks he's a fighter)

"While you're resting..."

"So, how many saves do you have to roll again? I lost track."
I am the GM

56: "Crit...Crit...okay. Action point. and Crit...hit."
(note: rolled 3 nat. 20s and a 19 in a row. My players keep trying to steal my dice)

57: "Okay, against rogue's reflex. Hit." (Player: uses Halfling's Second chance) "Crit"

58: "You see a pink dragon" (note: using rules from Draconomicon I added the red bloodline to a white dragon.)

59: "Roll vs disease" (happens at least once every two to three levels in my game)
60: "RUN AWAY!!!" (If I'm running away, somethings horribly, horribly wrong)
57: "Okay, against rogue's reflex. Hit." (Player: uses Halfling's Second chance) "Crit"

58: "You see a pink dragon" (note: using rules from Draconomicon I added the red bloodline to a white dragon.)

Both of those have happened to me in my games as well, kind of...
Show
did you ever play in Sacramento, CA with Seth Klein?


Beware the pink dragons...
Both of those have happened to me in my games as well, kind of...
Show
did you ever play in Sacramento, CA with Seth Klein?


Beware the pink dragons...

Nope. I typically play from home a few miles north of there.
61. DM: The essence of the lich begins to ooze out of the Jade Phallus.
PC: Wait, phallus?
DM: I meant chalice.
PC: That's not the issue. The issue is that you said phallus.
PC#2: Is the ectoplasm thick and creamy?
PC#3: I don't think my god would be okay with necro-objectophilia… whatever the hell that is.
DM: Shut up and roll initiative.

Based on an actual DM misspeak, although the wise-cracks are approximate.
The last thing my players want to hear from me when they ask if their character can do something outrageous-

"Roll..."
An Orc walks into a bar. The Human and the Elf laugh at the hapless Orc. The dwarf walks under it scowling and doesn't laugh. He doesn't see the humor. It was all over his head
63. (a character playing a barbarin with the lowest INT in the party) Since my barbarian is dumb, im going to.....(I have used this excuse to get the party into a lot of trouble)

64. (3.5 barbarian with whirling frenzy in a bar with party fighting 8 royal guards) Screw it I activate whirling frenzy. (I actually killed 6 of the royal guards by doing that myself)
65. get them
now the back story my DM linked a adult iron dragon to my dragonborn warloard when every we travil i fly above them to keep look out
66: (my familiar realy does this)) HEY LISTEN
67: (As the party is trying to sneak up on the kobolds my bard gets a 4 on his stealth check) "Hey, should I stop singing?"

68: "What's the worst that could happen? I pull the lever."
The party enters a gigantic chamber, at the far end, a large group of shadows surround a huge magical 'amplifier' crystal, an artifact so powerful, it has supported a tyrannical dracolich ruler for over 16,000 years.

Such is its incredible power, the closer you get to it, your magic items (and spells) multiply in power by up to 8 times their normal magnitude.

Cue Obu, the Dragborn Wizard: 'I cast fireball'

DM: 'Where? At these guys? *points to enemies adjacent to crystal*

Obu: 'Fireball!!!!'

Almost a TPK. Thanks Obu.
70. Hey that last fight was fun, I actually got to use all my healing!
71.) "Bards do it to their own personal soundtrack!" *laughter* "Oh yeah, well Clerics do it with the divine grace of God!"

Joking argument between myself (Bard) and my friend Louie (Cleric) when debating on whose PC was the bigger ladies man.