1001 Taunts for Combat

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What are some of your favorite insults to throw while your character is fighting? Here's a few to get us started...

1. You fight like a pregnant cow
2. A gimpy kobold child with the flu is scarier than you
3. You're more likely to hit me if you keep your weapon sheathed
4. (when a male enemy pulls out a dagger) Don't use a weapon that's half the size of everyone else's; but I'm sure your woman tells you that all the time
5. You were the gimpy dumb one of the litter, weren't you?
6. You have the mouth of an otyugh; and the face; and the stink
7. You leave your defenses wide open, like your mom does her legs
8. Your god is laughing at you right now
9. Did your baby sister teach you that move?
10. (when an enemy hits you) Huh, 10 more blows like that might sting
11. I've seen kobold infants that fight better than you. Even the lame runts.
12. Wait. I know why you aren't fighting well. You're secretly a lame, elderly kobold with a terminal disease!
Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne! Resident Invisible Man Lurker in the House of Trolls A Testament to My Glory
13.) Hm? Did I feel something just now?

14.) No, no, no. THIS is how you swing a sword!

15.) (Derisive Laughter)
16) Your screams are that of a jewish pizza!

17) APAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPA!!!

18) Your killing intent is that of a man trying to drown a fish!

19) Should I start trying now?

20) Whoops, am I really beating you that bad?

21) (all time best) Hey! You! You suck!
22. (pointing at enemies, but addressing the other PC's) This is why you don't date your sisters
23. Are you trying to hit me, or were those last 10 swings warning shots?
24. So you're from a noble bloodline? You know that keeping a bloodline pure requires inbreeding, don't you?
25. You need to tell your mom that it takes a village to RAISE a child, not to conceive one
26) Bah, you couldn't hit water if you fell off a boat.
27) (I'm surprised it's not up yet) You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn (-13 AC FTW)
28) Who taught you how to fight? A dead lemur?
29) No, STOP! HAHAHA!!! Sto....That TICKLES!!!!

30) [For tall/large characters. I've used this IRL before] You missed me? Look at me! How could you MISS me!?!

31.A) [with expected rythmic flair] Every hit you can hit I can hit betterrrrrrr
31.B) [with expected rythmic flair] I can hit every hit better than you!
32) (said to a mindflayer) Didn't I see your mother on a seafood platter last night?

33) Were those your minions?
34) You fight like a halfling! (this one is particularly fun if your group likes to make as much fun of the halfing PC as mine does)
I can't believe it's not up yet.

35) Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
36) I fart in your general direction.
37) That was better, but I'm afraid, still not good enough.
38) grumish cleric; Hey, maby if I jab out your eye you might actualy hit me.
39) quit ~trying~ to hit me and ~hit~ me (morpheous)
40) Wow, there are no words in elvish, ent or the tongue of man to describe how much you suck.


Artful dodger: you stupid son of a Bi-
Shifter paladin pc: DONT, finish that sentance!
41. "I 'd compare your fighting style to that of a Kobold - if I 'd wish to insult a Kobold."
42. "I could insult your mother at this instance, but I 'm afraid the greatest insult to your mother is your continued existence."
43. "I have seen seen things growing on old bread which are smarter than you."

Better to fight windmills than become a miller!

44) Stop poking me! its bothersome!

45) No, no. Try again.
46. Balor? More like.....Lamor
47. Wait, wait, stop! Oh, you already did. My bad.
48. How weird. I just stabbed you in a critical artery and you're still having trouble accepting your demise. How awkward is this for you?
49. (Pull out a rock out of your pocket in the midst of combat) One second, this is my sending stone. Hello? What? Kegger at Todd's? Dude, I'll be there in like (appraise the enemy) 3 rounds, tops.
50. A great warrior, I was told. A fight to last the ages. An epic unfolding of my might. I hate it when the travel brochure lies.
51. Why, yes, this is a +3 longsword in my hand and of course I'm delighted to see you.
52. What was your name again? Target Practice?
53
I swear, quality control these days. I asked for a straw dummy and what do they give me? One made of paper
54. How the hell am I supposed to take your blasts of necrotic energy seriously when you don't have a godsforsaken evil plot?

55. (Particularly funny if the character saying it is a bard) Okay-for the sake of drama I'm going to pretend that that pathetic attack of yours mortally wounded me. *Gasp!!* Dark Mistress of Winter I am finally yours *Pretend faint*
56) [To halflings] Your dad must have been a hobo, and your mom... A RABBIT!!!
57) Your father was a hamster, and your mother was an elderberry! (Monty Python's the Holy Grail)
58) My my! Even the French fight better than you! (I am part french, so no calls of racism, got it?!)

IMAGE(http://www.nodiatis.com/pub/6.jpg)

59) Do us all a favor and go headbutt a mindflayer!


60) so who is your pact with? the elder god of self punishment?
61) Your camels do not breed true!
52. What was your name again? Target Practice?

I lol'd.

One of the funniest insults requires no words.
Your character just pulls out a book and starts reading in the middle of battle while fending off one or more enemies effortlessly. Lol.
63) I ran an enconter with evil warforged fighters who marked their targets by telling a "Yo Mama" joke. It made the PC's so mad that they really wanted to kill them but they were also laughing too hard to care much.

Personal favorite "Yo mamma is so fat she eats wheat thicks"

it was extra insulting since I told all of the jokes in a robot voice and then a robot laugh afterward.
My (female) drow rogue was always rather fond of: "You fight like a male!"

"My flying carpet is full of elves."

45) No, no. Try again.

I have to nick this for a Bravura Warlord using Brash Assault

55. (Particularly funny if the character saying it is a bard) Okay-for the sake of drama I'm going to pretend that that pathetic attack of yours mortally wounded me. *Gasp!!* Dark Mistress of Winter I am finally yours *Pretend faint*

Top marks for roleplaying.


One of the funniest insults requires no words.
Your character just pulls out a book and starts reading in the middle of battle while fending off one or more enemies effortlessly. Lol.

Consider this nicked, too! It would work rather fine with my gnomish accountant and part-time loremaster (Warlord/Wizard) who 's not much of a fighter (well, he is, but he prefers to let others do the job (Commander's Strike, Opening Shove).

Better to fight windmills than become a miller!

57) Your father was a hamster, and your mother was an elderberry! (Monty Python's the Holy Grail)
58) My my! Even the French fight better than you! (I am part french, so no calls of racism, got it?!)

Well leave it to a Frenchie to botch "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"
Well leave it to a Frenchie to botch "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"

At which point you should follow up with:

"Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!"

PtM
Your house-rules suck.
Well leave it to a Frenchie to botch "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"

HEY! I'm only a little bit french, and haven't seen that movie in like five years! For the record: 50 % scottish, 25 % vietnamese, 25 % french. So I'm NOT a frenchie! (technically)

IMAGE(http://www.nodiatis.com/pub/6.jpg)

65) *Thrust rapier* How was that one? Your sister was especially fond of that one.
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Nice!

IMAGE(http://www.nodiatis.com/pub/6.jpg)

66) Did you mom make that armor?
67) Hey, don't worry when you run home crying to your mommy I'm sure she'll comfort you.
68) Oh yeah, wanted to tell you the exit is over there...you know, for after I kick your ass.
69) Ah, daddy didn't love you enough as a child did he?
70) You call that an attack? My grandmother swings a battleaxe harder than you!
HEY! I'm only a little bit french, and haven't seen that movie in like five years! For the record: 50 % scottish, 25 % vietnamese, 25 % french. So I'm NOT a frenchie! (technically)

No, no, no. baneofelves, your line here is:

"Well, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!"

PtM :D
Your house-rules suck.
71) You're ugly, and your squire dresses you funny.

72) What's the difference between your armor and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

73) You fight like a minion.

74) When you're done practicing, shall we try it for real?

75) What's your alignment, lawful stupid?
66) Did you mom make that armor?

What? you got a problem with dwarven craftmanship?
72) What's the difference between your armor and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

75) Oh, was that supposed to hurt? (melodramatically) Owww! Oh oww! (normal voice) There, feel better now?

76) You do realize the *pointy* end goes toward the other guy?

77) Recess is over! Go back to class now!
78) You want to know why your attacks don't work? Behind this armor is Awesomeness, and Awesomeness is sword-proof.

79) (this is from MtG, you can use it to taunt a minotaur) Your father has no horns! Your mother wears a bell! You drink goat's milk!

80) Ooooh, so you're my soon-to-be experience points. Glad to meet you.

81) You call that "fighting"? I call it "brutish dancing using pointed stuff with creepy sexual undertones".

82) I looove your incompetence. It provokes me to kill. *stab*

83) You fight like an armless, legless, blind and deaf goblin girl!

84) You're as lame as a kobold. Not the metaphorical lame kobold, mind you, but the literal lame kobold, who might have stepped on a trap or something.
this one came up, by one of my fellow players, in a session, where we confronted a group of booze smugglers at their hideout.

79) something doesn't smell right here. *turns his gaze upon an especially unwashed*. most notably, you!
80. I was told we were fighting men, but all I see are little girls!

81. Could you be any more clumsy? Maybe I should let you hit me so I won't feel so guilty for picking on a little kid!

82. Who taught you to fight, your mother? I bet, and she's twice the man you are!

83. Let's make a deal! I'll stop embarassing you, and you stop wearing women's undergarments!