I am both orderly and instinctive. I value community and group identity, defining myself by the social group I am a part of. At best, I'm selfless and strong-willed; at worst, I'm unoriginal and mindless.
The world perceives you as off your rocker, but that isn't true. You just make mental connections to things and don't entirely explain your thinking. So if you suddenly bring up birdhouses in geometry, you'll probably get some strange looks. You are rather impulsive but generally a good person.
@7_ate_9 what decks were they playing? We're you playing multi-player, or what exactly?
P.S. I hope you actually didn't... you know... do that with him and his friends. They're magic cards man, who knows what diseases they carry . You don't want to catch that stuff...
Within the Lightning's Blink_I will Cry for Vengeance.
The temple ruins stood tragically beneath the weight of the cold, grey skies. The blasted wastelands surrounding it were bleak and barren.
There was a shuffling from behind a hill near the temple, though.
A majestic silvery green golem strode mightily across the blighted land, shaking the ground beneath his steely soles.
It was fifty feet in height, and was humanoid in general build.
It was covered in metallic green plates designed to resemble leafs and vines, giving it the look of an organic being. Its chest was designed in much the same way, except that there was an opening in the middle, with a small, green ring softly glowing.
This was the Primarch, leader of the Hopeforged.
It walked over to the ruined temple, sitting down cross legged at the front arch.
The golem opened its mouth, emanating a rumbling noise that shook the ground.
Far off in the horizon, shapes became evident.
They were man sized versions of the massive golem sitting in front of the temple, and there were thousands of them.
These are the Hopeforged.
They came to a stop at the feet of the great one, awaiting his words.
The noise stopped. Silence filled everything.
The mighty golem spoke, its voice a deep, mechanical bass that resounded through everything.
“My children.
I have brought you here together to give you something precious.
A memory. A memory of life.
A long time ago, my brothers and I were made. Mine and my brother’s purpose was to be a weapon, and as you can see, we succeeded. Nothing is left beyond us.
I walked this world both before and after this destruction. I have seen and felt a great many things in this world, but I will forever feel this bereavement in my very existence.
There is no more life.
Where once there was joy and life, there is now despairing and death.
I have communed with the land, and it has told me of its sorrows. It is mortally wounded, and sad.
And above that, my brethren are making the mistakes of our elders again, warring over ideals and mere opinions.
But there is hope.
There is some spark of vitality left in the world around us. We just have to find it, and nurture it back to its full strength.
What I am about to give to you, my Children, is the true hope for all things.”
The golem lifted his arms skyward, and the glowing ring in his chest got so much brighter. Green light bathed the smaller golems, and they all beheld the same vision:
An eagle flew majestically overhead amidst the bright blue sky.
Sunlight bathed everything in gold, even the beautiful green canopy of the forest.
The trees stood tall and strong, vital forces as stalwart as sheer cliffs of stone.
In the underbrush were small creatures: Deer. A small herd of them peered timidly out from the cover of the trees and bushes. Life was abundant everywhere as insects buzzed busily past, small chipmunks fought over a choice nut, a small bird flew down from its perch to peck at the dirt. Everything was wondrous as it should have been.
Everything was whole.
Everything resolved around them.
The world was once again dead, and lifeless.
“Now, my children, you have seen what this world once was.
It is up to us to bring this back. It is our dream, no, our hope that we may live to see this goal realized.
We are the Hopeforged. We will bring life back to this world.”
I am both orderly and instinctive. I value community and group identity, defining myself by the social group I am a part of. At best, I'm selfless and strong-willed; at worst, I'm unoriginal and mindless.
The world perceives you as off your rocker, but that isn't true. You just make mental connections to things and don't entirely explain your thinking. So if you suddenly bring up birdhouses in geometry, you'll probably get some strange looks. You are rather impulsive but generally a good person.
@7_ate_9 what decks were they playing? We're you playing multi-player, or what exactly?
P.S. I hope you actually didn't... you know... do that with him and his friends. They're magic cards man, who knows what diseases they carry . You don't want to catch that stuff...
Within the Lightning's Blink_I will Cry for Vengeance.
Oh damn, I forgot this existed. Barinellos, I apologize. This is something I could be working on. I'll start dedicating serious thought toward more Thoughtforged development when I get the chance.
7_ate_9, I'll read that as soon as I can. Sort of busy at the moment, so bear with me.
I am both orderly and instinctive. I value community and group identity, defining myself by the social group I am a part of. At best, I'm selfless and strong-willed; at worst, I'm unoriginal and mindless.
The world perceives you as off your rocker, but that isn't true. You just make mental connections to things and don't entirely explain your thinking. So if you suddenly bring up birdhouses in geometry, you'll probably get some strange looks. You are rather impulsive but generally a good person.
@7_ate_9 what decks were they playing? We're you playing multi-player, or what exactly?
P.S. I hope you actually didn't... you know... do that with him and his friends. They're magic cards man, who knows what diseases they carry . You don't want to catch that stuff...
Within the Lightning's Blink_I will Cry for Vengeance.
I'm going to review it and type up my thoughts as I do. I want to stress that you did a good job and any critique I give is meant to be purely constructive to make the story great. I try hard not to tear people down when they're writing. In design, I'm pretty ruthless, but writing well is a lot harder than getting ideas together.
First thing isn't anything about your writing, just a little something about all the stories. The title of the story should be just "Hope" It's meant to be poignant, because once we have all of the stories together, the titles will make something of a mini-narrative of its own and Hope is meant to be the last one. The order of the stories will be "The Throne, Ruin, Pulse, Thought, and Hope" Alright, now onto the story.
First thing I notice is how much space you put into the story, and that really could stand to be changed. Another is that when you're writing, you stick to very very very short paragraphs, and that breaks the narrative flow. If you don't mind, I'd like to edit that little bit myself to make it more cohesive, but I don't think I'm going to be changing anything more than the format. Once again, this is just my first impression and I haven't actually started to read it.
To begin with, everything from the start to the revelation of the what the golem is should be one paragraph. Breaking it up like that makes it read very poorly, but I don't have any objections to what is actually being said. When you are talking about the temple though, the fact that there is a hill kind of... comes out of nowhere. You describe the landscape, but not the geography, so I'd probably add a little more detail about the lay of the land. The bit describing the primarch is pretty good, my only suggestion is to add another type of vine to his description, with the vines etched onto his plates being ivy, and then have a bunch of cables hanging loose off of him like vines. It doesn't really change anything about how he looks, but it adds more detail (and this is what I saw in my head based on his description.) As another visual cue, you might think of adding a staff of some kind for him, just to create a visual cue to play up his druidism for later. Anyways, really strong start minus the short paragraphs. A description of the temple might be good here, just to create a stronger visualization, and I felt like what you had in the previous draft was stronger in that regard. I want to say again that you did a really good job nailing how I pictured the Green primarch (though might be a little bigger than I expected) without me having said anything about how I pictured him.
The revelation of him being a primarch might be better if you came up with a full title of than "the primarch" since that term applies to at least 4 others too.
The bit about calling the hopeforged could use some work. Mostly just because there isn't a lot of variety in them, and honestly the assemblage is a little large. If I could change something about this, I'd probably add in more variety in shapes for the hopeforged. Personally, I'd describe some of them as being somewhat beasty (not beastial though... just quadropedal, maybe add some horns or wings or something.)
Alright, this is the first real criticism I have, rather than just small little notes. When the narrative begins, he immediately talks about the other primarchs, but nothing about who made them or why. We get that they were a weapon, but we get nothing about the circumstances that gave rise to them. This would really help pad out the narrative too.
In some ways, I like the dialogue you originally wrote better. It captures his poetic side better. The magic images are really good here, as a device as well as in descriptions. You could have said sometihng about the elves of that time as well.* My only real problem here is that the transition back to the way the world really is is weaker than it could be. You have a chance to really illustrate the tragic difference between the landscape then and now.
*One of the reasons I keep wanting to see the older races is because I feel like this is a chance for other people to really contribute to the history of the world. I have very little in the way of structure for the ancients, and people could really expand with their own ideas of what they would like to see the ancients as. Pretty much just the Thronehold humans and the merfolk have any flavor. Another aspect of this is that the Primarch would have been made by the thronehold humans, so any affinity he had for the elves would be demonstrative of his personality.
Lastly, the ending narration, I felt, was really stronger in your earlier work.
So, that's everything I have to say. If it's okay, I'm going to try and edit together your two stories, combining the best of both and send it to you with notes.
I am both orderly and instinctive. I value community and group identity, defining myself by the social group I am a part of. At best, I'm selfless and strong-willed; at worst, I'm unoriginal and mindless.
The world perceives you as off your rocker, but that isn't true. You just make mental connections to things and don't entirely explain your thinking. So if you suddenly bring up birdhouses in geometry, you'll probably get some strange looks. You are rather impulsive but generally a good person.
@7_ate_9 what decks were they playing? We're you playing multi-player, or what exactly?
P.S. I hope you actually didn't... you know... do that with him and his friends. They're magic cards man, who knows what diseases they carry . You don't want to catch that stuff...
Within the Lightning's Blink_I will Cry for Vengeance.
The temple ruins stood tragically beneath the weight of the cold, grey skies. Light filtered grey through the ruined ceiling where all of the stones had fallen in. The blasted wastelands surrounding it were bleak and barren. Off in the distance, the ash-hazed mountains could be seen standing as ominous guardians over this desolate landscape.
There was a quaking from behind the temple. An enormous golem, silvery green in the light, strode mightily through the blighted land, shaking the pale and sickly earth beneath his steely soles. The golem was covered in metallic green plates designed to resemble leaves and silvery cables like vines hung off it, giving it the look of a massive tree. Its chest was designed in much the same way, except for the opening in its middle, a small, green ring glowed softly inside. In its hand it carried a staff made of the same metal, the cables coiling over it much as they did to the golem. At the tip of the staff was an orb made entirely from petrified wood. This wood glowed faintly, like the heart of the Golem.
This golem was the Green Primarch. The machine walked into the ruined temple; half as tall as the building itself, striding into the structure and sitting down cross legged behind the pulpit. The insides of these ruins were filled with rows upon rows of scarred and ash-covered pews, which stood waiting attentively at the feet of the half crushed pulpit, which appeared as if a giant had simply smashed half of it with his fists. The seated golem opened its mouth, emitting a rumbling noise that shook the ground and began waiting. He waited patiently for his children to show.
Along the horizons, hundreds of shapes became evident. They were man-sized and resembled the massive golem sitting in the front of the temple, yet each one was unique in its form and function. Many were simple bi-pedal forms, meant for walking around and exploring, while others were like centipedes that crawled on hundreds of tiny legs; while also others were possessed of massive wings which pounded at the air, keeping them aloft. They came to a stop inside the ruined temple at the feet of the great one, awaiting his words. The gentle humming of their machinery echoed from the pews as the Hopeforged, in their simple forms, gathered around the half smashed pulpit. The shuffling of claws and steel digits echoed noisily as the Hopeforged shifted restlessly with their varying forms. Winged ones shifted their wings, waiting for when they can take flight once more, while four-legged ones swayed slightly. After a few minutes, the older, slower generations came shambling in with their rusted limbs and cracked silvery chest plates.
The Primarch motioned for silence. The Hopeforged obliged immediately and the temple filled with the sudden ringing quiet. The mighty golem spoke, its voice a deep, mechanical bass that resounded throughout the ruined temple.
“My children,” the Primarch’s grinding voice boomed through the blasted ruins, “I am aware of our newest generation. Please let them come forward to me.”
A quarter of the Hopeforged in the temple stood up, and walked up to the archway.
The Primarch spread his massive arms, and a green beam of light emanated from the ring in his chest his chest. The light fell upon the machines and was absorbed immediately by the newest generation of Hopeforged that stood before him. Tiny jade lights kindled within their chests, a small star that mirrored the Primarch’s own glow. He signaled for them to sit down, and continued.
“I have brought you here together to give you something precious. What I impart to each new generation is hope. A memory from when there was beauty around us.
I remember those days, when trees grew abundantly around me. When birds sang in their perches and when the sky was blue. I remember a whole world.
An unbroken one.
A long time ago, my brothers and I were made by the small ones to be destroyers, simple pawns in their struggles for dominance. Mine and my brother’s purpose was to be the weapon that ended their useless strivings, and as is obvious to all before me, we succeeded. Nothing is left beyond us because of mine and my brethren’s actions. We are left with naught else but dead skies and blighted wastelands. I walked this world both before and after this destruction. I have seen and felt a great many things in this world, but I will forever feel this bereavement in my very existence.
There is no more life. Where once there was joy, there is now only despair and death.
Our other brethren over in the far lands, they make war over the same things as the fleshlings that came before us. The fleshlings made me and my brethren for their wars, but in their pride, they destroyed every precious living thing on this world. My brothers are making the mistakes of our elders again, warring over ideals and opinions.
But there is hope, my children. I have communed with the land, and it has told me of its sorrows. It is mortally wounded, but it is not dead. There is some spark of vitality left in the world around us. We just have to find it, and nurture it back to its full strength. We can heal this world, we need only one seed, and we shall give this world what it craves once more.
What I am about to give to you, my Children, is the true hope for all things.”
The golem lifted his arms skyward, and the glowing ring in his chest got significantly brighter. Emerald light bathed the smaller golems, as they all beheld the same vision:
An eagle flew majestically overhead amidst the bright blue sky. Sunlight bathed everything in gold, even the beautiful green canopy of the forest. The trees stood tall and strong, vital forces as stalwart as sheer cliffs of stone.
In the underbrush were small creatures: Deer. A small herd of them peered timidly out from the cover of the trees and bushes. Life was abundant everywhere as insects buzzed busily past; small chipmunks fought over a choice nut; a small bird flew down from its perch to peck at the dirt. Everything was wondrous as it should have been. There stood a massive stone shrine, dedicated to the beauty around it. Its walls were covered in thick vines that hung so thick that nothing could hope to cut through them. Elves, slender and graceful, walked with poise in perfect ranks towards the arches of the temple, their steel-tipped boots clanking on the stone steps leading up to the doorway. Hymns of joyous union drifted across the wind as the Elven children sang from the middle file, their ears only just starting to point at the tips, bright flaxen hair streaming in the breeze. They stepped into the archway of the Temple, and within a few moments of the last elf disappearing into the Temple, sweet lilac incense drifted lazily out from it. Songs and rituals could be heard from within as the elves celebrated their oneness in purpose.
Everything was whole. But then it broke.
The beauty of the vision faded. The warmth of life lost once again to the desolate gray skies and the cold empty world outside the temple walls. The assembled machines keenly felt the loss and some cried out.
“Now, my children, you have seen what this world once was.
I regret ever being made, but I cannot change the past.
We can, however, make the future. We are the Hopeforged. We will bring life back to this world. We have what none of our brethren have or could ever have: We have hope, the seed from which everything is born.
I am both orderly and instinctive. I value community and group identity, defining myself by the social group I am a part of. At best, I'm selfless and strong-willed; at worst, I'm unoriginal and mindless.
The world perceives you as off your rocker, but that isn't true. You just make mental connections to things and don't entirely explain your thinking. So if you suddenly bring up birdhouses in geometry, you'll probably get some strange looks. You are rather impulsive but generally a good person.
@7_ate_9 what decks were they playing? We're you playing multi-player, or what exactly?
P.S. I hope you actually didn't... you know... do that with him and his friends. They're magic cards man, who knows what diseases they carry . You don't want to catch that stuff...
Within the Lightning's Blink_I will Cry for Vengeance.
See, visually that's already so much more weighty. It LOOKS like something worth reading. The other drafts had that sparse and put together look, but this one immediately says "I have written something."
Small suggestion, change "Green Primarch" to something like "Primarch of the Verde" or something. Synonyms make for better titles. As it stands now, it's a little too "What it says on the tin." (TVtropes will ruin your life.)
Anyways, I've made a cursory glance, but I'll get into the heavier review later. Still, it's come miles from where it was before.
I am both orderly and instinctive. I value community and group identity, defining myself by the social group I am a part of. At best, I'm selfless and strong-willed; at worst, I'm unoriginal and mindless.
The world perceives you as off your rocker, but that isn't true. You just make mental connections to things and don't entirely explain your thinking. So if you suddenly bring up birdhouses in geometry, you'll probably get some strange looks. You are rather impulsive but generally a good person.
@7_ate_9 what decks were they playing? We're you playing multi-player, or what exactly?
P.S. I hope you actually didn't... you know... do that with him and his friends. They're magic cards man, who knows what diseases they carry . You don't want to catch that stuff...
Within the Lightning's Blink_I will Cry for Vengeance.
