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2 years ago ::
Jun 07, 2011 - 3:02PM
#21
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Yep Plague, that works well. I like how the story is structured and the direction you've got for the thoughtforged. Pretty much the only criticism I have is I would have liked to have heard a little more diversity about the beings who came before and what the Primarch believed caused their war. I like the framing device you used for them and you have the destruction and aftermath down well, but the actual conflict feels like it could be expanded, but the overall story was very well written.
And don't worry too much to staying terribly true to the vision of history. That's one of the major reasons I chose to set up the project like this, is so people could give their voices a chance to interact with what is there. And you did well in describing what they currently are.
@7: I've added you to the hopeforged. The only thing I feel like I really really need to stress is that they are, at their hearts, druids. So, that's something to keep in mind. Mechanical druids.
@everyone: I've decided I'm going to go ahead and pen the story of the Ruinforged.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 07, 2011 - 3:11PM
#22
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Date Joined:
Mar 22, 2011
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Gotcha. I'll keep that in mind for future work with these folks. I'm interested to see what you come up with for Ruin, because I personally can't grok writing from the perspective of mindless beasts.
... Isn't it weird that I apparently wrote the black and white tribes as the enemies of the blue? While the green and red ones were mentioned in a positive light? That's so backwards. This is a weird, weird project. In a good, makes-you-a-better-writer way.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 07, 2011 - 3:19PM
#23
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Well, by all means, I'm happy to have helped.
As for the black and white enemies, you're probably actually picking up on some of my own biases there, but I'm quite frankly glad you did. It makes me feel good about the way I set the world up, to foster that kind of seed in a work like yours.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 07, 2011 - 3:48PM
#24
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Plague, if you'd be interested in doing a sequel, I'd love to see what you could do to expand what the Thoughtforged actually found in the ruins to add to their records, which would give you a chance to expand on what the thoughtforged made of the fleshlings that came before them. Particularly the scientific merfolk, since they ended up moving into their territories.
I'd like to see that. No pressure though.
Edit: There was one bit I meant to talk about earlier that I liked. The description of the Primarch was very reminiscent of Dr. Manhattan's crystal clockwork on Mars.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 07, 2011 - 5:56PM
#25
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Date Joined:
Mar 22, 2011
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Well, I wanted to make him sound as intricate and amorphous as possible. But made out of metal. And probably able to smash face if he wanted to. A living testament to eternal change.
And I wanted them to appear slightly derisive when it came to the old people. They called them fools for a reason. They don't approve of how the world and the knowledge within it was treated, basically. But there's always room for expansion of ideas. I'll do some storming in my brain along the lines of some kind of further exposition. Because I admit that what I wrote was hardly more than a glimpse. Not a lot there.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 07, 2011 - 8:38PM
#26
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Yeah. One thing about his appearance, there has to be some humanoid golem core somewhere in all that amorphous machinery. It doesn't ever have to come out or be used in your work, but it's SOMEWHERE in all that mantle equipment. All the primarchs have a golem core somewhere in them (I mostly mention this for other writers if it comes up.)
While derisive of the fleshlings make sense and totally works, they at least do want to preserve the knowledge they had and use it. So, they must have had something that the thoughtforged want/respect. Just a talking point for brain storming. I want to be as hands off as I can be to let you work.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 08, 2011 - 8:31AM
#27
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Date Joined:
May 23, 2011
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Okay, so this is my second draft of what you wanted. I wasn't amazingly descriptive because I did not want to place in cement any odd or awkward looking machinery. I hope that I got some of it right...I was listening to vampire knight the whole time, so it may be very weird. Spoiler:
Show
Hopeforged Story
The light filtered grey through the ruined temple ceiling where stones had fallen in.
The gentle humming of machinery echoed out from the pews as the Hopeforged, in their simple forms, gathered around the half smashed pulpit.
What sat behind the pulpit was a massive Golem known as the Primarch, half as tall as the Temple itself, and covered in silvery vine constructs.
He waited patiently for the rest of His children to show. After a few minutes, the older, slower generations came shambling in with their rusted limbs and cracked silvery chest plates.
The Primarch motioned for silence. The Hopeforged obliged immediately as the Temple echoed with sudden silence.
“My children,” the Primarch’s deep grinding voice boomed out through the blasted ruins ”I am aware of our newest generation. Please bring them forward to me.”
A quarter of the Hopeforged in the temple stood up, and walked up to the pulpit.
The Primarch spread his massive arms, and a greenish light emanated from his chest.
The light was absorbed immediately by the newest generation of Hopeforged that stood before him. The Primarch motioned for them to sit down, and continued.
“What I impart to each new generation is hope. A memory from when there was beauty around us.
I remember those days, when trees grew abundantly around me. When birds sang in their perches and when the sky was blue.
I remember a whole world. An unbroken one.
But now, because of mine and my brethren’s actions, we are left with naught else but dead skies and blighted wastelands.
I have walked this world for a long time, so I have seen most everything there is to see.
I also know that the land is not dead. It is wounded mortally, but it is not dead.
There is still hope, my children. We can heal this world.
We only need one seed, and we shall give this world what it craves once more.
Our other brethren over in the far lands, they war over the same things as the fleshlings that came before us. The fleshlings made me and my brethren for their wars, but in their pride, they destroyed every precious living thing on this world.
I regret ever being made, but I cannot change the past.
We can, however, make the future.
We have what none of our brethren have or could ever have.
We have hope, the seed from which all is born.”
I have died and crowned myself  Yep... Nyan cat powers, ACTIVATE!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH2-TGUlwu4 Spoiler:
Show
Quotes Spoiler:
Show
Within the Lightning's Blink_I will Cry for Vengeance.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 08, 2011 - 9:59PM
#28
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Well, you have the bare bones there, and it is pretty much the vision I had for them. Basically the only real complaint I could make is that it's so short. I know a lot of people have trouble stretching out a narrative, but I really feel you could add to this. For one, don't worry too much about making concrete descriptions.
Another is that there isn't really a lot said about the world itself. It does the character well, but it doesn't really go into what happened or what the world is like around them. This last isn't a complaint, but I feel like you probably saw what Plague wrote and tried to model what you wrote after what he did. You might have been able to take it in a little more unique direction, but as I said, I'm not complaining about that. Just saying.
I guess what both of these stories could benefit from is a little more general setting. Get the world framed before we zoom in to a specific place to hear the narrative.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 08, 2011 - 10:07PM
#29
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Date Joined:
Mar 22, 2011
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I'm a very narrative-first sort of guy. But I promise that my next bit for this will include more description of the setting/world itself in addition to more historical perspective. I feel the lack from the first piece as well. I shall not fail you, honorable neguru.
I'm still eagerly anticipating Ruin, Throne and Pulse. But I do not know when to expect Throne and Pulse. I don't think anyone does yet.
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2 years ago ::
Jun 08, 2011 - 10:16PM
#30
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Well, Keeper laid claim to either Throne or Pulse a page back, but who knows when that'll get laid out. Personally I hope he takes Pulse, mainly because that's the one that *I* can't work out what to do with. Throne is honestly probably the easiest of them to get in character to do.
Main reason I chose Ruin is because I have a very clear idea of what to do for that, including a descent into madness as well as history.
But unfortunately, it's number 2 on the list of short stories right now. I have to finish the short story for Jirnan, the moonfolk archmage so he can get voted on.
I will probably be able to draft it out by next Monday. I have some free time at work. usually.
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