10/17/2012 UR: Slaughter Games

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This thread is for discussion of this week's Uncharted Realms, which goes live Wednesday morning on magicthegathering.com.
Loved today's article. Its nice to see the humanity amidst all of the Rakdos' depravity.
I liked the story, but the editing was horrible. Random tense changes, commas everywhere they shouldn't be and missing from some places they should, apostrophes sprinkled like confetti where they ought not be (maybe that's a Rakdos thing?)...

Please find yourselves a competent editor. It made enjoying the story very difficult for me.
For a second there I thought this was going to evolve into a fifty shades of grey fanfic (you know, with rakdos romance and all?)
I unfortunately have to agree that the writing seemed quite unpolished by comparison to what's presented on this site most of the time. I stopped reading partway through because of it.

I was very disappointed in this story. It was poorly written and did not match the standard of content I have come to expect from a company that prides itself on creative excellence. Parts of it made me wonder if it had been edited at all. There are basic errors that took me out of the story and reminded me I was reading something on the internet rather than experiencing the narrative. A couple of examples:

Darux had been a champion Spiker for four years' Slaughter Games, though the games aren't annual, so he had actually been a winner through seven Slaughter Games, until last year when he was dethroned by an upstart from Massacre Girl's ring: Vildika. A tall and tightly corded female human, who got the killing blow on a particularly agile victim that had dodged Darux's deadly swing of the hammer, only to be caught by one of Vildika's bladed boots in a graceful spinning kick. Darux found himself defeated and Vildika crowned champion for the year's games.

The first sentence changes tense halfway through. 'The games aren't annual' is flavour text, not part of a narrative. It's also a rather nasty run-on sentence with four clauses. The second sentence has no main verb, and the last clause refers to Darux rather than Vildikam, making it seem as if she was caught by her own bladed boots. 'Vildika' is the subject of the last sentence's main verb and again makes her sound as if she's doing something peculiar, in this case crowning the champion (instead of being crowned).

Darux nodded, he had felt the same way for many years, completely confident in his victory. And even last time he had been confident in his victory, at least until Vildika surprised everyone.

'Darux nodded' should be a separate sentence. Instead it's tacked onto the front of the next one with a comma. The phrase 'confident in his victory' is repeated in consecutive sentences.

The story as a whole is very lopsided. It starts talking about Maritta, who given that she's the first person mentioned looks like she's going to be the main character, or at least important somehow. But we never learn anything about her, and she is never mentioned again except to mention that Darux is walking past her front door. Why is she in the story? Even if the story is the first part of many, and Maritta's going to turn up again, either she needs to be a part of this one or be left out altogether.

The fact that Vildika floats Daruk's boat gets a total of one clause in a single sentence. Isn't this the point of the story, to show what's going on in these Rakdos people's heads? It's a throwaway mention of something that is important. It could give the whole story a strong emotional tinge. Daruk loves Vildika, but Rakdos demands that she be put in mortal danger all the time. That's a pretty strong conflict and a story could easily stem from that, but instead it's left to wither away and be forgotten.

I am aware this is a bit of a rant but I was genuinely surprised by the low quality of this article. I find myself put off reading any other story content because of it – I'll give further such articles a chance but if they're going to be like this then I won't have much patience with them.

I liked the story, but the editing was horrible. Random tense changes, commas everywhere they shouldn't be and missing from some places they should, apostrophes sprinkled like confetti where they ought not be (maybe that's a Rakdos thing?)...

Please find yourselves a competent editor. It made enjoying the story very difficult for me.

Gotta agree with this. Poor copy editing is what made me give up reading the (now defunct) novels after the three from the original Ravnica block. You can do better, Wizards! (Not blaming Trick specifically because counting on the original author to do a good job editing his own piece is never the greatest plan.)
yeah, awful grammar

but redeemed by the amazing story. Im looking forward to more parts done when trick needs to fill in again

Haha, people are soo fickle. I mean really? if unperfect grammer offends you (whether it be your intellegence or your OCD habits) I'd hate to see what else does. This is free content after all, It's not like you paid a premium for this one page story. First world problems at their best.

The only thing that disappoints me about this story, and Rakdos in general, is how tame it has to be due to being part of a product aimed at younger audiences. While there are hints in a lot of the Rakdos lore bits, and flavor texts that give us a glimpse of the more mature side of Rakdos it makes me sad that the only stories of those kind I can experience are the ones I have to create myself. Oh well ... no pimps, brothels, drug dealers/pushers, and dark bath houses for me I guess Tongue Out ... fight clubs will have to do.

Feels like it was made by the PR to give Rakados a better image. I was expecting something at least Addam's Family here where they would do something hurtful to each other instead of normal talking. Daruk could have had Vildika choking him with her chain to get them in the mood for the Games.
I agree with the comments about the errors detracting from the story. The first error I noticed was
"Only a fraction of the Rakdos followers will the games, to do so is to put life and limb on the line."
 Pretty sure they meant to say "will enter the games"
All I really care to complain about is that the story has an abrupt end. It's not like with the Garruk one where he shows up and can obviously be centerpiece in the next one. This one just cuts off, and the only time they do that is for a weekly part sequencing. The thing is, there's no part 2 next week. The next time this story comes up, there's literally no way to understand it without this one.
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