EDIT: For any new DMs reading this, do not take it at face value, it's just a satirical post that takes some extreme views of DMing and broken logic, and attempts to make a joke out of it. Please read the posts after it for clarification of the subject, or at the very least my last post in the thread. Regardless I hope you enjoy the read.
Fellow dungeon masters, it was not that long ago I was coming to these boards seeking advice on how to be a better DM and a better player. Over that time I have turned from a larva into a beautiful Mosquito like most other DMs and then I realized something very important. Yes I had become the perfect DM with the perfect play style that can turn any group of players into putty. Given this discovery I immediately knew that I must share it with all of you for the help you gave me when I was a crappy DM such as yourselves.
Yes I am about to impart on each of you the Ultimate Dungeon Mastering Style, henceforth known as UDMS, so that you may become Ultimate Dungeon Masters. While you will never truly be as good an UDM as I am, if you can even harness a fraction of this amazing information you will be a dungeon master beyond words DMBW for short. Listed below are the tenants of the UDMS.
1,) You are God
To some of you this may have already come second nature to you. You have to do the work of organizing and getting a game together so you deserve to control everything. Forget the fact that you have other people that came to role play and may have brought drinks/food/money and are willing to tolerate your presence, you can be an UDM without them. This is the most important tenant of UDMS, and supercede all others and is allowed to overwrite them at whim (it has that kind of power).
2.) You are the controller of the story.
If for some reason the town of reasonable agreeable people starts to get a thirst for blood for the players that have helped them fight off the baby seal clubbers then it is your power to do so. Create long convoluted plots and force the players down paths, and “claim” to be flexible by changing paths ever so slightly. If you want the players in the swamp of no good choices and they decide they are teleporting to the town we’ve visited tons of times then say the swamp has emerged in the town and they still have to go through it.
3.) Force your players to write you a story.
After some time you’ll find that you’re getting bored of the job of trying to create a story. Then you’ll dawn on the realization that you have 0-20 people also at the table that you can force make the story. Put these unfortunate saps into the Islands of terrible doom that you had planned out, and make stuff up based on their input. All their ideas will of course be inferior to your own, but just go along with it because it makes them feel a little special.
4.) Kill the players
Yes you should repeatedly kill the players. Don’t do it too overtly always claim that you were just portraying it realistically, or that it was their own fault. Never under any circumstances take the blame for this, you are never wrong.
5.) Let the players revive themselves.
Given that you’re killing your players often it would be unwise to have them stay dead for too long, then they might be able to wander off to some other activity/game that would be infinitely less fun than yours. Instead let them revive their characters when they die if they want to. If they don’t want the choice of life or death for their characters just roll a die and force them to choose anyway.
6.) You are always faultless, and are never wrong.
In and out of game in all matters concerning D&D you can never be wrong, and there are no faults with your play style.
7.) Share the knowledge.
As a practitioner of the UDMS you too must share these teachings with others that were unprivileged by these divine realizations. If other people suggest changes for your style that they foolishly think might improve your game, either a.) call them an idiot or b.) claim that it’s not your style and that your style is better/you prefer it better (same thing really) c.) talk about how long you’ve been a UDM and your experiences as one and how successful they were. Under no circumstances must you be reasonable or understanding with your opposition and if they seem that way, claim they are not. You do not have time to be cordial, nice, or form valid arguments for buffoons that side against the UDMS.
If you can remember all of these things, there is one more you should remember:
8.) Read a joke post and reflect about how much more improving you need.
Because you will never be as perfect as me.