How do I remove curses

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I'm playing a cleric/bard in a D&D 4e campaign. During the last 3 sessions, I have felt the wrath of certain dark forces at work trying to sabotage me and my party.

During the last 3 gaming sessions I have failed on about 80%, no, seriously, of my dice rolls (thank god for not having to roll for heal powers!). I have 3 sets of dice, 2 orange and a red. No matter what order or combination of dice rolling between the different colors of dice, they all turn up with dismal results.

Evidence:

After being blinded in the opening rounds of the major encounter with the big bad boss of death and her minions, I get blinded. I then proceed to roll saves each round to get unblinded. All I need to roll is a 10 or higher. I fail 8 straight save rolls, they aren't even close to 10. I remain blinded the whole fight and a little bit afterwards...

We fight about 2-3 battles per session and I use Hymn of Resurgence and Moment of Glory as my big saving graces to debuff the big bads and give my guys some defense. Well thank god for the automatic buffing from those powers because when I roll attack rolls for these, I usually make sure that the big bad and some significant baddies are hit by it, and when it comes time for the dice attack roll on them it's usually ends up being a 1 to 5 on the dice and sometimes I actually hit ONE and of course it's never the big guy ;( Seriously, I have a decent attack modifier but the dice say "I roll a 3, thank you, have a nice day"

Last session I had to make endurance rolls and although all I needed to roll was a 5 or more I failed 2 of the 3, thus losing some healing surges. Then at the all important adventure turning point to secure an alliance with NPCs, I roll a 5 on my diplomacy thank god for my tons of bonuses and barely squeak by, then after our barbarian accidently killed one of the NPCs in a non lethal test of combat I try to save her by applying my heal skills, I have +11 so no prob right? I roll a 1 and she dies...

Obviously my GM has concocted some sinister evil ritual of hexing on my dice.


How do I remove this baneful crippling affliction??!!


Do I need to cleanse the dice in flames? Or is the only option to "fix" them with the blessed hammer of smashy?


Please help!




      
    
  
Unless your dice have manufacturing defects, it's just random chance.  Nothing you do to the dice will correct the issue; dice superstition is just that, meaningless superstition.

The only advice I can give is to make sure you roll the die, rather than 'dropping' it.  Perhaps get a dice tower.
Another day, another three or four entries to my Ignore List.
How do I remove this baneful crippling affliction??!! 



Do I need to cleanse the dice in flames? Or is the only option to "fix" them with the blessed hammer of smashy?


Please help!



I know it's tempting, but resist the urge to cleanse your dice in flames or smash them with a hammer. The unruly spirits no doubt housed within your dice are immune to fire and force, and once the physical die is ruined, they will be free to haunt your next set of dice.  Thus the curse will remain with you, and even cost you precious pizza money.  The best way to resolve this situation is by disciplining the spirits housed within your dice.  Speak to the dice loudly and firmly, telling them that you are the master, not they, and that you are tired of their chicanery.  If they persist, put them on a time-out(the freezer works well for this).  If you must, threaten to purchase new dice and leave the unruly ones on the shelf where they can only watch.  Stress that their only way of getting back into the game is to shape up and begin acting like productive polyhedrals.  

If they persist in this behavior despite trying everything I outlined here, purchase new dice, but save the cursed ones.  Later, you can gift them to a rival or annoying younger sibling.  When you have the new dice, before letting any other players see them, take them to a catholic church and dip them in the holy water(try not to let the priests see you, they often misunderstand).  You may also beseech one of the Saints to watch over your gaming and aid you if they can. 
Seriously, though, you should check out the PbP Haven. You might also like Real Adventures, IF you're cool.
Knights of W.T.F.- Silver Spur Winner
4enclave, a place where 4e fans can talk 4e in peace.
I try to keep my d20s with the 20 side up.  I figure this way they get accustomed to it, and gravity will help shape the di to favor that side.

As an alternative, keep the 20 side down, that way they get tired of it and land the other way.

Cry Havoc!  And let slip the hogs of war!

I know it's tempting, but resist the urge to cleanse your dice in flames or smash them with a hammer.

This is true. Microwave them instead*. Much safer.

* With the 20-facet up so that the internal reconfiguration of the molecules makes the die heavier at the base. Note: This doesn't really work at all, but it is rather satisfying.
Here are the PHB essentia, in my opinion:
  • Three Basic Rules (p 11)
  • Power Types and Usage (p 54)
  • Skills (p178-179)
  • Feats (p 192)
  • Rest and Recovery (p 263)
  • All of Chapter 9 [Combat] (p 264-295)
A player needs to read the sections for building his or her character -- race, class, powers, feats, equipment, etc. But those are PC-specific. The above list is for everyone, regardless of the race or class or build or concept they are playing.
Throw your dice in the river
you can't just smash them with a hammer.  You have to make a circle out of your new dice, and put the old dice in the center.  

THEN you smash them as a lesson to the newcomers, to let them know weakness will not be tolerated.

INSIDE SCOOP, GAMERS: In the new version of D&D, it will no longer be "Edition Wars." It will be "Edition Lair Assault." - dungeonbastard



OK, so I gathered the evil cursed red and orange dice and surrounded them with blue and purple dice. The blue/purple all show max numbers while the reds/orange are relegated to 1s. I then berated them in front of the new blue/purple dice while praising the newcomers. I told the reds and oranges that I have a new team and that they are now being placed in the drawer of darkness until I see fit to give them a chance at redmption.

I also placed a hammer next to all of them with the blunt area facing them. I will leave them like this until tommorow when I game and try out my new dice, and see if this breaks the curse of crappy rolls.


Good advice, thank you all.
Thanks to the OP, the fact that someone posted a thread about something like this made my day. We've all had bad luck with our dice at times. The original player's guide for hackmaster actuallly includes some dice cleansing rituals, btw. My own group's dice cleansing rituals was to lay the dice (max side up, naturally), in a sun-filled "dice cleansing spot" for 2-3 hours. I don't really believe in that stuff, but it was something fun our group did together.


Update.


I used the new blue & purple dice 2 weeks ago and they performed well. I got a wide variety of rolls and I would say the trend was above average and with no multiple subsequent rolls of 5 or under. The cleansing and threats worked!


Feeling good about my new dice I went into last Sunday's gaming confident that the curse had been broken and I could play normally without living in fear of the next die roll. Well, evil reared its ugly head and possessed my dice  once again.

The very 1st roll that I needed to make, I said "Please no 1s" - I then rolled a 1. During the session I rolled 6 straight rolls of under 5 which totalled out to producing 3 rolls in the high teens and about 8 rolls under 5 (thank god they were mostly skill rolls and we didn't have any important combats). My character, being the diplomat and face of the party needed to introduce the party at an event and needed to pull off a good diplomacy roll. Having seen the dismal rolling of my new dice I busted a daily to grant me +5 to the roll, thank god, because the dice of misfortune saw my moment of need and rolled a 2.

I do not know what to do... Do I need to beg for mercy from both the orange/red set and the blue/purple set? My threats and banishment tactics have fallen flat.

I still think my evil DM is somehow cursing my rolls. How do I guard against this?!


    
The very 1st roll that I needed to make, I said "Please no 1s" - I then rolled a 1.

I have found your problem. You are willing the dice to roll low. By giving voice to what you do not want to happen, you imbue that outcome with energy.

Say what you want. Then make it so.
Here are the PHB essentia, in my opinion:
  • Three Basic Rules (p 11)
  • Power Types and Usage (p 54)
  • Skills (p178-179)
  • Feats (p 192)
  • Rest and Recovery (p 263)
  • All of Chapter 9 [Combat] (p 264-295)
A player needs to read the sections for building his or her character -- race, class, powers, feats, equipment, etc. But those are PC-specific. The above list is for everyone, regardless of the race or class or build or concept they are playing.


Have you guys ever seen the movie "MacGruber"? Well the scene at the end when he is about to get married after blowing up Cunth and his nuclear warhead and then Cunth shows up to ruin it all by launching a RPG at them is sometimes how I feel about my dice rolls.

So, Cunth = dice   MacGruber = me

I feel like I'm MacGruber and here is Cunth popping up at the worst moments to again ruin everything. And after bashing Cunth with a 2x4 and setting up to exact my revenge, he denies it to me because his weener already got blown off in the nuclear explosion. I then go insane, throw him off the cliff and fill him full of lead unloading the entire M4 mag into Cunth while he falls to his death. Then, while he is splatted on the ground below, I fire the grenade launcher into him and finish him off by peeing on him for good measure.


In order to avoid these occurances, I have decided to follow the path of peace and serenity. I plan to whisper only good emotions and thoughts at my dice. Like "You look lovely today" and "You're a 20 in my books!"


I will defeat the curse with kittens and rainbows.

      
Just to make sure ...

You do realize this is all in your head, right?
Another day, another three or four entries to my Ignore List.
The best way for you to get your dice to roll well is to become a DM.
The best way for you to get your dice to roll well is to become a DM.


Truth.

I'm notorious for rolling horribly on skill checks.  But, after I started DMing, I started rolling crits fairly regularly.  I ran the red box adventure with a new player a couple of weeks ago.  Just in the first single-player goblin fight, I rolled natural 20s four times.  Luckily, they were minions, so no extra damage was accrued.

When she made her real character upon joining the campaign, I gave her Fortification Armor.  That way, if I roll too many crits on her, she has a chance to make them normal hits. 
Nobody has mentioned the Fame Rub yet. According to Hackmaster Basic p.142-143 (two pages out of a valuable ten-page resource for this oh-so-important aspect of RPG-ing), you can infuse dice with good luck if you rub it on a proven game designer, one of his/her personal effects, or signature. Remember, rub the die from left to right for high numbers (with the '20' side up) or the opposite for low numbers. Do this 12-24 times. The most potent form of fame rub is to rub the die on the tombstone of a game designer; in order to pull this off, however, one must apparently leave the dice on the tombstone for two full nights under a full moon.

I don't know if any of this works because I tend to DM, an activity that the Olladra tends to agree with.
4e D&D is not a "Tabletop MMO." It is not Massively Multiplayer, and is usually not played Online. Come up with better descriptions of your complaints, cuz this one means jack ****.
OP need this Tongue Out



Or one of those more recent model:

 

Yan
Montréal, Canada
@Plaguescarred on twitter

Lend your dice to someone else and hope that the curse rubs off.  Or borrow someone else dice and maybe pass the curse on that way.  


And stop rolling on paper.  Never roll on paper.  


Put you dice in a glass of water (must be clear glass, no plastic cups) and put in a sunny window.


Don't store you dice in plastic.  Use a cloth bag or wooden box.  And stay away from chainmail bags as well.  Metal holds the bad in.  If they are lucky metal is great, it holds the good in.


Of course that's all garbage.  Dice are just random number generators.  Each individual roll has the same chance of rolling good, bad or indifferent.  No single roll is connected to the next or the last.


In all seriousness, test your d20.  Roll it a couple hundred time and record the results in a spreadsheet then look at the distribution.   Rinse and repeat.


Then realize that you only roll your d20 a 5 to 10 times in a encounter on average.  Do not expect and even distribution over a session.  You don't roll enough to get it.


Then switch to a chaos sorcerer, so you can push everyone within 5 squares everytime you roll a 1.


TjD