24 Hour Contest: Un-Cards

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In my casual playgroup, I'm totally cool with people playing cards from Unglued or Unhinged.  However, some cards need to be banned because they completely twist the game.  The Fallen Apart is acceptable, because while it's silly, it still functions.  Ashnod's Coupon is not acceptable because it involves going outside the game for stuff.  Hurloon Wrangler is technically acceptable, but discouraged because I don't want to see any of my friends take their pants off (EDIT: any of my friends who play Magic).  Basically, if it makes the game silly, you can play it, but if it completely changes the game into something ridiculous, it's banned.

So, this contest is to my an un-card that fits these criteria.  You'll be graded on humor, playability and balance.
Bankslayer Angel
Creature - Angel [M]
As an additional cost to cast Bankslayer Angel, pay $20.
Flying, first strike, lifelink, protection from Commons and from Uncommons
5/5

Your job to figure out who you pay the $20 to.
 
Knock-Knock Sphinx
Creature - Sphinx (R)
Flying
When Knock-Knock Sphinx enters the battlefield, look at the top card of target opponent's library and reveal X letters in its name, in any order. That player names a card. Reveal the top card of that player's library. If it isn’t the named card, draw X cards.
"Stop me if you've heard this one."
4/5

I love making "battle of wits" cards like these even if they could never be printed.
Olivia Voldaren's Prosthetic
Artifact - Equipment
~ may only be equipped to creatures with one or two legs. Whenever equipped creature is dealt damage, remove ~ from that creature.
Equipped creature has hexproof and cannot be sacrificed.
Equip
"I'm glad that wasn't what I thought it was." - any Cathar lucky enough to land a single strike against Voldaren

Bankslayer Angel
Creature - Angel [M]
As an additional cost to cast Bankslayer Angel, pay $20.
Flying, first strike, lifelink, protection from Commons and from Uncommons
5/5

Your job to figure out who you pay the $20 to.
 

This is unplayable.  It's going to be disqualified, so fair warning, if you want to enter something else.
A True Master - [manacost]3WW[/manacost]
Creature - Rhinotaur
Trample, lifelink
When A True Master enters the battlefield, call your grandmother and pass target opponent the phone. If she can explain to that player what trample and lifelink mean, A True Master also has indestructible.
4/4
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein 

Quotes: 

Show
magicpablo666 wrote:
These cards are Ball Tightening.
I_forget_who_dammit wrote:
Perfect originality is overrated and often ugly. The best and most beautiful cards I've ever seen were clearly inspired by something else. Cards are not entirely unlike living organisms in this regard. All the good ones are a result of long evolution; the 'original' ones are either monocellular or mutant aberrations.
ColonialDragons wrote:
The weird part is reaching over the table, grabbing a card from their hand, and just staring slowly back at them, awkwardly, as you slide their voice of resurgence slowly into your pants.
magicpablo666 wrote:
Graveborn are strictly better than Zombies. I mean, look at that wicked beard. You try growing that when your dead. And I know aging fellows who are suffering from Male Pattern Baldness, who would kill for a Mop like Ribsy's over there.
magicpablo666 wrote:
Hey Dudibus, I can't take you seriously until you take your shirt off!
cats_and_me wrote:
I'm just stating what I think is their opinion! :/
Mana Screw
Sorcery
Shuffle up to 10 Forests you own from outside the game into target player's library.  That player gains ownership of those cards.  
Otherworldly Conquest --
Tribal Sorcery - Eldrazi
Target creature with power 8 or more wins the game.  
Otherworldly Conquest is also disqualified.
Mirthslayer Inquisitor
Creature - Human Cleric
Whenever a player smiles, that player sacrifices three permanents they control.
"Stop having fun guys! I MEAN IT!"
2/3
Slimelord of the Maro |
Legendary Creature - Ooze
When Slimelord of the Maro enters the battlefield, put X 1/1 green ooze tokens onto the battlefield, where X is the number of cards in your hand.
: Put a 1/1 green squirrel token onto the battlefield with "Sacrifice an ooze: gain 2 life" onto the battlefield.
"FINALLY!"
1/1 
Bane of Interaction
Creature - Horror

Indestructible
If a player counters Bane of Interaction as it is being cast, they lose the game.
If a spell or ability your opponents controls targets Bane of Interaction, they lose the game.
If an opponent causes you to sacrifice Bane of Interaction, they lose the game.
If an opponent decides to block Bane of Interaction, they lose the game.

"You old farts with your counterspells and removal... THIS is the future of Magic!"

3/3

IMAGE(http://i1.minus.com/jbcBXM4z66fMtK.jpg)

192884403 wrote:
surely one can't say complex conditional passive language is bad grammar ?
Can I use something I already posted in another unthread?
I was kind of annoyed that I didn't get any feedback on that post.
If it's ok here's my entry:

Beardless Dwarf 
Creature - Dwarf
Beardless Dwarf’s power is equal to the length of its controller’s beard in inches or centimeters rounded to the nearest inch or centimeter, whichever is the standard unit of measurement where you live.
*/2
A dwarf walks into a bar and asks a human woman why she doesn't have a beard. The answer? Human women are horrendously ugly and beardless. - popular Dwarven joke
This card of course would have to have a measuring stick along the card border.

Making good Un cards is harder than people realize. 
So if you're American, can you change citizenship at instant speed for a boost of +6/+0 or more?

Well I guess you'd have to change your home address. But if you lived on the Canadian-American border, and your table was halfway between the two countries, could you shift your seat slightly in one direction and get a boost?
Tutor Tutor -

Instant

Search your deck for a card with 'Tutor' in it's name, and reveal it. You may cast that card without paying it's mana cost if able, then exile it.

"It's like Mental Magic, except easier." 
*sigh* fine.

Sword of Pride and Prejudice
Artifact - Equipment
Equipped creature gets +2/+2 and protection from red, blue, green, and black
Whenever equipped creature deals damage to an opponent, put a 2/2 white Cat creature tokens onto the battlefield.
Equip
Thankfully we had the sense and sensibility not to include zombies.
This is also something I've posted to an Un-thread before:

Rage Quit!
Instant

Rage Quit! is red.

Counter target spell or activated ability. You lose the game.
Beggar's Flames
Sorcery
~ deals 4 damage to target creature or player.
Poverty (You can't have rares or mythic rares in your deck.)
He can barely get enough to hold himself warm for a day, but that is enough for a pyromaniac.

Yxoque wrote:
This forum can't even ****ing self-destruct properly.

IMAGE(http://img.pokemondb.net/sprites/black-white/anim/normal/plusle.gif)

Curse of Silence
Enchantment - Aura Curse
Enchant player
Whenever enchanted player speaks, he or she sacrifices a permanet for each word spoken.
"Shut up!"
Inspired by Archangel of Strife


Archangel of Drugs - 5ww
Creature - Angel 
Flying
As Archangel of Drugs enters the battlefield, each player chooses uppers or downers.
Creatures controlled by players who chose uppers attack each turn if able.
Creatures controlled by players who chose downers enter the battlefield tapped.
6/6 
Drown Sorrows

Instant

Counter target spell. Drink.

Embrace imagination.

Lord of YMtC | Ten Rounds Contest Winner

Solphos – A fan set with a 'combo matters' theme

Fool's Gold – The second set of the Solphos block

One I posted in another thread:

Un/Tap Mastery 
Enchantment
Flash  
As an additional cost to cast ~, tap or untap any number of permanents you control.
You may target and untap untapped permanents as though they were tapped. If you do, super-untap them. (To super-untap a permanent, rotate it another 90 degrees to the left.)
You may target and tap tapped cards as though they were untapped. If you do, super-tap them. (To super-tap a permanent, rotate it another 90 degrees to the right.) 

Super-untapped permanents are treated as untapped and when tapped, are returned to the untapped position.
Super-tapped permanents are treated as tapped and when untapped, are returned to the tapped position. 
Closed!  Grades will be here shortly!
I made some flavor text, undecided on how much I like it.

Yxoque wrote:
This forum can't even ****ing self-destruct properly.

IMAGE(http://img.pokemondb.net/sprites/black-white/anim/normal/plusle.gif)

EyeballFrog: Bankslayer Angel
Disqualified for requiring something that's unfair to ask of players.  But bonus points for not using the idiotic, less clever name "Walletslayer Angel" you saw people use back when Baneslayer Angel was big.
0/10

Steinhauser: Knock-Knock Sphinx
This is really cool.  It's powerful but not broken, and the ability is fun and silly.  This is pretty much the exact kind of thing I was looking for.
9/10

SimonGlume: Olivia Voldaren's Prosthetic
I like the idea of parodying her, uh, third leg, but this doesn't really do it for me.  I don't find it too funny and it's mechanically rather random.
2/10

Dudibus: A True Master
This is possibly unplayable, but I really like the idea of it.  However I would have something for people with no living grandmothers.
7/10

Cold_Articuno: Mana Screw
This is kind of adorable.  I can see so many shenanigans happening in playgroups where this card runs rampant.  Hard to work with sleeves, but eh.  I really like it!  One issue: the name has been taken.
9/10

NoUnderscore: Otherworldly Conquest
You can't play this card.  It's impossible for its effect to mean anything.  So disqualified.
0/10

Jessica_Morgan: Mirthslayer Inquisitor
This is kind of funny, but I can see it leading to arguments over what is or isn't a smile.  I think it would be better to print it on a card with a less-crippling pentaly to keep the players good sports about it.
4/10

Therealphatmatt: Slimelord of the Maro
This is a playable card but I think it's more confusing than funny for the most part.
4/10

Fenix.: Bane of Interaction
This card serves two purposes: making the game unfun when it's played, and whining about the fact that answers to control exist.  Neither is good.
1/10

TPmanW: Beardless Dwarf
I think this is really cute, but I have some issues with it.  First, it should just be standardized to centimeters.  None of that "or inches" thing that leads to arguments.  Perhaps reminder text about an inch being 2.54 centimeters would help.  Second, it's slightly sexist since it's a card only boys can play.  I really do like the principle of it though.
5/10

Jahikoi: Tutor Tutor
This is probably overpowered.  And not particularly funny.  The name is the only thing interesting about it, and that could have been executed better.
3/10

EyeballFrog: Sword of Pride and Prejudice
Have you even read the book?  I was hoping for a clever literary reference but instead this weird sword is what came out of it.  The flavor text is great but the rest doesn't really make any sense.
2/10

Grumman: Rage Quit!
This is awesome.  I can imagine this having art of a table being overturned.  There's no way they could print this in a real set but I like the final middle finger to the guy who picked on you the whole game.
9/10

Mown: Beggar's Blast
Poverty certainly is an interesting yet impossible-to-print-normally ability, and I think it's kinda cool.  The card's a little on the boring side, but it should be fun for deckbuilding.
6/10

Koridian: Curse of Silence
Your score just got bumped up thanks to the mental image I had of a player trying to communicate entirely with non-words.  This is funny.
7/10

Flopfoot: Archangel of Drugs
There's no way they could print this.  That's just bad taste.
1/10

Individual of Oriental Origineeyong: Drown Sorrows
Seriously they need to stop filtering your name.  >.>  Anyway, this is of mildly questionable taste, but I'll let it pass since it doesn't require alcohol.  It doesn't seem like an amusing enough drawback.  Perhaps requiring drink-taking would work better on a resusable effect.
4/10

Klutz42: Un/Tap Mastery
This is way confusing but the combo potential is intriguing.  I understand how it works but it's probably a rules nightmare.  I think it's also undercosted severely.
4/10

________

Third place: Cold_Articuno with Mana Screw
Second place: Grumman with Rage Quit!
First place: Steinhauser with Knock-Knock Sphinx

Congratulations to the winners!
I'd love to play with Rage Quit that card is so awesome it hurts.
My Commander decks! http://community.wizards.com/go/thread/view/75842/29942477/Endrek_Sahr,_Master_of_Disaster http://community.wizards.com/go/thread/view/75842/29942329/*Rumbling_Stomach_Noises*_Guildpact_Borborygmos_Deck
Whoo! Second place! Thanks for the contest, Fox.

If I may, I'd like to make some suggestions about the other entries...

Bankslayer Angel:
Show
Bankslayer Angel 
Creature - Angel [M]
Remove Bankslayer Angel from your deck if you're not playing for ante.
As an additional cost to cast Bankslayer Angel, add a $20 bill to the ante.
Flying, first strike, lifelink, protection from Commons and from Uncommons
5/5

This does two things: it establishes who you have to pay by using an existing rule, and it puts the Bankslayer Angel into a game type where spending money to win is acceptable.


Olivia Voldaren's Prosthetic:
Show
How about giving the wearer Intimidate?


Beggar's Blast:
Show
Since it references cards that are in a hidden zone, would it be better to do this with an emblem? Something like "You gain an emblem with 'When you reveal a rare or mythic rare card you own, you lose the game.'"


Un/Tap Mastery:
Show
Like Sleetfox, I think it's an interesting idea, but you broke it by making it too powerful.

Un/Tap Mastery
Enchantment
As an additional cost to cast ~, tap all permanents you control.

You may untap untapped permanents as though they were tapped. If you do, super-untap them. 
(To super-untap a permanent, rotate it another 90 degrees to the left.)
You may tap tapped cards as though they were untapped. If you do, super-tap them. (To super-tap a permanent, rotate it another 90 degrees to the right.) 

Super-untapped permanents may attack or block as if they were untapped and when tapped, are returned to the untapped position.
Super-tapped permanents may not attack or block and when untapped, are returned to the tapped position.

When Un/Tap Mastery leaves play, tap all super-untapped permanents and untap all super-tapped permanents.
Second, it's slightly sexist since it's a card only boys can play.


Girls already have an unfair advantage in Un sets.

Thanks for the contest! Glad to see my submission was well-recieved.
Nice!  I actually tried to post a similar card once, without much success, in a non-Un contest.  Which was fair, it probably really should be Un. 
Nice contest!
Yeah I figured my card was't exactly very usable by everyone but I figured that thee'd always be that one guy that got some real bang for his buck and whenever that happened everyone would agree it was epic. You're probably right about the inches thing though.
Also I really want to see how this influences drafts.

A suggestion for Mown's Beggar's Blast:
Instead of forbbidng the card to be played in any deck with rares why not give it a conditional bonus based on your deck having no rares? Throw a keyword on there and you've got a subtheme!
Would it be a cop out to say that the joke was that it was over-enthusiastically designed? Because that actually kind of was.
Yes.  Just a little.  :P
you clearly are simply ignorant of my staggering intellect
My puny pedestrian brain cannot comprehend your artistic vision.
My puny pedestrian brain cannot comprehend your artistic vision.



lots of speculation from everyone

Oops sorry Mass Effect 3 ending reference.

In all seriousness though that design was pretty terrible. I made it while trying to avoid writing an essay. at the time my thought process was "I know I'll make an IRONIC CARD AHAHAHAHAHAA"
Second, it's slightly sexist since it's a card only boys can play.


Girls already have an unfair advantage in Un sets.


Both of those cards are designed to given an advantage to women while actually being usable by men. But I guess if false beards are allowed your card does too.
blah blah metal lyrics
Men can still wear women's clothing if they want.  :P

Alternate approach:
"No, I'm actually wearing a woman's thong."
"You are not!"
"Want me to prove it?"
"...Okay, fine.  That's less then..."
Men can still wear women's clothing if they want.  :P

Alternate approach:
"No, I'm actually wearing a woman's thong."
"You are not!"
"Want me to prove it?"
"...Okay, fine.  That's less then..."



Alternatively, go the Mal Reynolds route and wear a pink frilly bonnet.
Women can have beards too. I don't see strict reference to "facial hair" on that card...
Women can have beards too. I don't see strict reference to "facial hair" on that card...


True enough.
I never really thought about using fake beards either but as worded it would seem allowable so I guess with a little preparation this could work for anyone.
Replacement  3u

Enchantment - Replace

Replace all flavor texts to their main texts in all permanents. Then, replace all main texts to their flavor texts.

 "Replace all main texts permanents to their flavor texts in all permanents."
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