Yes, we all have players that make us want to put little grenades in our d20s. Well today’s your lucky day because its time to vent!
4E is not a video game. Unless of course you make it so. If you’re making spreadsheets, you’re probably not working on your character’s background. When asked, you’ll have a description for your character. But you probably took Born Under a Bad Sign anyway right? Do you describe your attacks or state them flatly in a monotone voice, like a narcoleptic with no serotonin commanding a Pokémon.
What he says: “Spend action point, use Nature’s Thorn Shiv.”
What he means: “I want to supersize my order.”
The Plot Reaper
This is the guy who believes that if you ain’t in a skill challenge, one good diplomacy or knowledge check should set it all right. I mean, if we’re not in a skill challenge or combat what the hell are we doing?
“The Optimized Level 4 Wizard activates a mysterious and hidden spell, attempting to ruin which will be a long running plot arc over the next several months.”
What he says: “I roll a 31 on my Arcana Check.”
What he means: “I want to skip this arc.”
Follow the Leader/aka Rankings Bitch
For some reason, every time this guy plays a class, its always in the exact same way. Here’s a fun drinking game: Ask this guy to send you his character sheet and open the class handbook on the optimization forum. Take a shot for every gold option they’ve taken and a sip for every sky blue option taken.
What he says: “My PC was Born under a Bad Sign and charges with a gouge.”
What he means: “I’m an idiot.”
The 4th Striker
So when you ask people what they want to be, one guy says rogue, then avenger, then a slayer fighter…and as your eyebrow goes up what does you’re the 4th person has the audacity to say…rogue.
What he says: “Why doesn’t someone play the leader?”
What he means: “Why doesn’t someone ELSE play the leader
Not one player, more likely a pair of players who’ve built their characters, typically a striker and something else, to form some kind of unstoppable juggernaut. Double points if one person runs both PCs.
What he says: Wally the Wizard will create difficult terrain allowing Barry the Blackguard to gain combat advantage and deal an extra 35 damage!
What he means: If we kill all the DM’s stuff we win right?
This one isn’t really fair since it’s more of a DM problem. The Daria will refuse to take the bait. When its his turn in combat, he’ll stall before throwing out an at-will. That scowling distant caravan leader? Not talking to him. The shiny rooster key? Not going to remember it when you find the chicken door.
What he says: “Who’s this dwarf talking to us?”
What he means: “I was struck in the head 40-50 times with a chunk of concrete and can’t seem to recall something that happened a week ago.”
Mordakainen’s Magnificent Bag of Holding Holder
The item guy. You ask your PCs to pick out level 5, 6, and 7 items for a wish list, he brings in 3 Rare items with encounter powers. After every fight, you’ve barely said the encounter is over before he asks about magic items and wants to strip the boots of the dead. This is the guy who’s always first to volunteer to check the dead dire bear’s stomach for errant dwarven artifacts. And he’s really disappointed when there’s no treasure amongst the entrails.
What he says: “Loot?”
What he means: “Give me a Level 10 sword or I’ll jam a d4 in your eye.”
The Hoarder/Dire Accountant Multiclass
The sworn brother of Mordakainen’s Magnificent Bag of Holding Holder. There’s coin out there and he wants to spend 15 minutes counting it. The best part is, that gold ain’t getting spent. Presumably someone believes it is equal to the number of points you’re trying to get by Level 30. Bonus points if anyone at the table can define fungible.
What he says: (While in a desolate tomb) “And how much is this ancient necklace never seen by man worth in gold, exactly?”
What he means: “Just give us gold next time and we’ll get back to your crappy story faster.”
The Emperor of Immediate Actions
Typically the territory of leaders and defenders, every round of combat this guy will use an at-will power because everything else on his character sheet (including item powers) are triggered actions. The hesitation in the DM’s voice before a monster gives this PC even a stern glance will only serve to reinforce that the latter is the lord and he will lay his vengeance upon you, probably in the form of a bonus to defenses or a melee basic attack.
What he says: “For attacking within 6 squares of me, the target gains an immediate +10 bonus to defenses against this attack, and an ally can make a charge attack with a +5 to hit and damage bonus.”
What he means: “The only winning move is not to play.”