Need help with Jester insults

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So I've created a helf-elf bard for my friend's upcoming feywild game. He's a Jester of the feycourt, and is actually pretty much a rip-off of Pocket from Christopher Moore's book Fool; He specializes in Vicious Mockery, and uses the Master's wand of Vicious Mockery, of course (It's his jester's wand). Once in a while I throw daggers, but mostly I leap around and mock my enemies as cruelly as possible.

Of course, my DM wants me to come up with the best insults possible every fricking round. I was hoping to get some suggestions from the boards for how I could mock my enemies, especially Fomorians, Hags, and Cyclopses (feywild). Jests, insults, jibes, extra...

I'm really excited to play this character, but also really nervous. So please help! Thanks!
does he make the wizard come up with verbal incantations for his spells? does he make the cleric actually whisper a prayer each time she does healing word?

expecting you to come up with some kind of "oh snap" quip each time you use it is kind of harsh, and in my opinion would break immersion. 

i think saying "jimmy the bard points at the bandit and sings a vicious rhyme infused with arcane magic" is more than enough description  and it lets the other players fill in the blanks in their heads.

Happy to be back on the best D&D forum on the internet!

I agree with trebor_rjf. Hopefully your DM is encouraging you to come up with insults, but not requiring them. Of course, there's a lot of opportunity for group entertainment if you can crank them out, so here's what I've got (I don't know anything about Fomorians, so I can't help you there):

For hags, hard to say. Calling a woman a hag is typically insult enough, but what do you do if they really are a hag? Maybe "Hey, mister!" and "Excuse me, sir," would work. "Great grandma" might also serve.

For a cyclops, there's got to be some great depth perception jokes to be had. If a cyclops has recently missed your friend, you could ask him if he needs an eye patch. And if you find one with a monacle, you could always hit him with "Hey, two-eyes!"

I'm sure others can do better, but that's all I have off the top of my head.
Talked with him! He just wants the occasional good jibe in, not as demanding as I thought. It's totally cool. So any suggestions for when I do throw some barbs?
Shakespearean insulter
Shakespearean insulter

This is great! hahaha
89999524.png] Torglun Everith, Avenger/Rogue Hybrid.

"Fomorians? Fomorians what? What would I need to do for more ians?"

"Purple? I knew a guy named Alan Scott with a purple cape once who had a weakness to wood, but at least he could control energy. You just have a lazy eye."

"How many fomorians does it take to screw in a new larntern oil resevoir? Two, but how do they get in there and how do they not throw up? I know I would"

"Are you like the hill giant version of Barney?"

"Gnomes, huh? Best race you could dominate? Hill giants had dwarves for years, and those little dudes can actually put up a fight. Way to go for the gold there."

"My eye feels cursed too just for having to look at your ugly mug. Mug means face, by the way. I know you folks have trouble with words."


"Your warriors are minions?!?! Even a Goblin warrior cant be taken down by one fledgeling mages magic missile!"

"Let me get this straight. When you see a human with one eye, there's a good chance he owns a ship and terrorizes the high seas. When you see a giant with one eye, there's a good chance he's some other giants little b****. Interesting."

"So, I guess the prerequisite for Giant Team Captain is two eyes, aye?"

"You're the echoes of Ogres in the feywild, right? Weird. Those idiots' primary weapon is a discarded tree trunk. What cast off are you fighting with, because it looks suspciously like a tree trunk."

"While I'm certain this wil mean nothing to you, sometimes i wake up every morning and thank the heavens that I can grasp depth perception."


"Anyone smell rotting fish?"

"I don't get it. When a succubus sheds her illusionary form, you at least get eye candy in the form of a large breasted devil. I feel a little cheated right now."

(as follow up) "I mean, think about it. A silver dragon shed THEIR hot female form and at least you have a 3 ton lizard with claws like longswords and scales like shields. Can I get a real enemy, please?"

"Uh oh. Somebodies troll boyfriend let their girlfriend in public wearing her fat clothes."

(For Howling hags) "Resist thunder, eh? Now, is that due to you immunity to the disgusted screams of your own children upon seeing you, or due to constant exposure to storms when even your own minions make you sleep outside in the barn?"

"Soothsayers, eh? How's that, you promise people youll never take that minor action to switch back to normal?"

"Hags? What is this, Eberron? Who gave you the idea you were relevent?"

Marcelus, I think I love you.
To be fair, I'm a professional comedian. That was all done in ten minutes as i started typing whatever the heck came to mind
Yo mamma is...

***  blinks ***

Not going there.

(Retreats back into hidey hole.) 

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