NEW ORC WHEN ITS FUNNY

116 posts / 0 new
Last post
I have been having some thoughts about a humor-based campaign. I have contributed to other threads on this subject,but they tend to die out over time. I would like to add elements from ; Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Myth Inc Series , Sabrina the Teenage Witch , Keystone kops , Star Wars , Spaceballs , Star Trek , StarWreck , Austin Powers Series , the Untouchables ,3 Stooges , the Olsen Twins(mary-kate and ashley) ,Stormwrack , LAVERNE + SHIRLY , Vlad the Impaler , KING KONG ,FAY WRAY , FUTURAMA , Louis Mcmaster Bujold , quaddies , mood rings , smiley faces , solar powered satellites(SPS) , Bambi , Keebler Elves , Amazonia by rollins , Pilsbury dough co. , Famous Amos , The Lorax , Ray Romano , Cookie monster , Dracula , Radu the Pretty , Hammer Films , Faberge Eggs , The Gorgon , goose that laid the golden eggs , Creature from the Black Lagoon, Big Rock Candy Mountain , Uncle Sam , Iron Horses , peter sellers , Pink Panther , Mission Impossible ,Jeff Dunham , achmed the dead terrorist , skeletor , He-man and Masters of the Universe , Mayor Koch , SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, PHIL HARTMAN , 21 JUMP STREET , RICHARD GREICO , HOLLY ROBINSON , WKRP In Cincinati, Rosemary's Baby, ALLY MCBEAL , Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law , The She Hulk , SMURFS , BAST , SOBEK , CATWOMAN , HALLE BERRY , SMURFETTE , Deliverance,the movie , LASSIE ,

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Origin of New Orc. On an alternate earth an orc nation was defeated and the survivors scattered. Some sailed in viking style long ships and settled in Manhatten. Humans tracked them and conguered the new colony. The colony was called New Orcland or New Orc's Land and Novo Orcia,humans called it the the New Orc City. More creatures followed and New Orc City became the site of 13 colonies. Edit :as suggested by rustam, New Orc was the first of thirteen colonies.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Dwarves-Mainly useful as a sort of foil. Every dwarf is at heart a lawful good paladin. Hard working and dour,clan oriented ,short and broad,prone to going nutty with an axe? Perhaps give them access to warpigs? Nothing humanizes a character like a pet or mount. A motorcycle with a boarshead design could be interesting as well.
Mac coppers
Now what a city like New Orc needs is honest cops. Imagine if a clan of 400 dwarves moved from the scottish highlands to New Orc. They change their names from Raging Boars to Mac Coppers. They still use many scottish names and speak with a thick scottish accent. They still wear kilts,play bagpipes and play golf. Have a ceremonial unit that rides warpigs. Many were members of a british unit called SQUAT. Specially Qualified Underground Attack Troops serve Britain as guards for mining companies overseas and take on things that dwell in the depthes of the Earth,Dragons,devils,goblins,etc. An elderly dwarf often has trophies from the the good old days.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

more "creatures" ( like goblinoids or Dwarves and such? )

uhm, how'bout: New Ork City became the first of thirteen colonies.

so, how's the humor angle fit in?
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together" -- Carl Zwanzig

Shaman.jpg
D&D Home Page - What Class Are You? - Build A Character - D&D Compendium

The pen is mightier than the character builder.
Copy this to your sig if you like 4e but don't use the CB.

Sample dwarven Npcs.
Phat Basterd Mac copper
4 feet tall and 600 lbs. Red hair and blue eyes. Based off the Austin Powers villain. Has an overweight warpig he rides on. He and "Pigasus" have eating contests. Phat's hobbies include golf,bagpipes and bribery. Under almost constant attention from IA.
Honest Sean Mac Copper
Based off Sean Connery's character from the Untouchables. Almost 300 years old and near retirement. Lives in a small apartment in the Bachelor Hill section of the dwarven ghetto. Carries a light mace in addition to service revolver. Mace has a Raging Boar as it's head.
Mike the Mechanic
A female dwarf who came to the US shortly after the Civil War as a mail order bride. Has had two Muls, Half human/half dwarf children. Speaks russian,dwarvish and english. Skilled mechanic. Hobbies include bench -pressing harleys,drinking,cigar-smoking and flirting with guys who are 6 foot or taller. Mike the mechanic is a play on the band ,Mike and the Mechanics. Mike looks like a 4 foot tall version of Bridgette Nielson.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Do more Heads equal more humor? Now in 2 Ed D+D we had Reaper minatures producing a three-headed ettin that looked like larry,moe and curly. In Savage Species we were given a Multi-headed template. This meant that many creatures could be made two-headed. So,add a head to a human being,he gains 2hd ,+2AC,each head controls one arm,free Multiweapon,no surprising. So, a two headed human could be twins like the Olson Twins. Would a two -headed human do advertising for the Doublemint Gum Co.? Suppose a husband and wife were turned into a two-headed beast, would they be hermaphrodites? Decency and the code of conduct forbid me from commenting on their love life. Would it be comedic to force two players who fight to play a two headed version of themselves? Could a team of 5-12 players play a hydra or naga-hydra? Each player could control a head and for a naga -hydra cast spells from a spell pool. The chaos from a large team trying to work a single monster would be educational. Just a few thoughts.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

MERMAIDS. A fine addition to any non-desert enviroment. New Orc should be about 1% mermaid and possess an aquatic district a mile or two out in the harbor.
FINS TO FEET
In Stormwrack there was a spell Fins to Feet,this allows an aquatic creature like a Mermaid to trade her tail for legs. I would like the god Poseiden to grant this as an racial ability to all mermaids
POSEIDENS SPEECH
A ll mermaids are born knowing Poseidens speech,an archaic form of greek that is only 50% understandable to a modern greek. Mermaids often converse in this langauge,though only a preistees bothers to write it.
TRIDENT
All mermaids are born knowing how to use the Trident. This is a racial ability granted by Poseiden. Greater Mermaids(Q.V.)  use a 2 headed version. In New Orc a Mermaid can carry a Trident because it's not classified as a weapon,it's officially a piece of fishing equipement and a mermaid is allowed to carry the tools of her trade.
APPEARENCE
In human form most Mermaids are around 6'6" and weigh about 400 lbs. Most Mermaids have a very muscular and voluptous build. All normal mermaids have red hair,green eyes and a peaches and cream complexion. With a tail on many mermaids are 8 feet long.
AGE
Most mermaids live to about 40 and reach adulthood at age 4 which is when they start walking on land.
More to follow.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Mermaids Part deux.
MIGHTY BREATH
Basically a Gust of Wind Spell modified into a breath weapon. A mermaid will get angry or upset. She will be to huff and puff till her chest is four times it's normal size,bursting free of her upperbody garments. The mermaid will then release her breath like a small tornado. I gotta ask you,whats more impressive than a mermaids Mighty Breath? For humor purposes this should happen to Pcs who date and act dis-respectful to a mermaid. A mugger could be dealt with by trident or Mighty Breath,a pc offers to help and gets blown away. An apartment would have pets blown up onto a ceiling fan,windows blown out and people going to the hospital for bruising? This would be the my girlfreind does'nt know her own strength gag?
HOLLYWOOD
Because mermaids have no Nudity Taboo and a casual attitude towards sex they're very popular in Hollywood. A sit-com or a soap will often have a Mermaid cast member because Mermaids have a similar look,makes it easy to replace a mermaid even in mid-season. The main problem with Mermaids is that at 6'6" they tend to be taller than most leading men.
SEA CRAVINGS
A mermaid prefers to spend 1/2 her day immersed in water. After 3 days on dry land most mermaids make a will save or head for water?
MERMAIDS AND BODY ART
Mermaids like small aquatic themed tattoos;fish,anchors,octopi,waves,schooners,mermaids,poseiden,etc. They also have peircings. Because mermaids have a very similar look they often feel the urge for a mark that lets Dry landers tell them apart.
MERMAID MONIKERS
Neptuna,Poseidena,Tritonia,Titania,Bina,Dina,Mina,Nina,Fina,Carp,Fifi,Bambi,Ariel

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Mermaids part tres- Some thoughts on mermaid love. Mermaids live to be about 40 and reach adulthood at age 4. A 4 year old being lacks the world experiance needed for a complex and meaningful relationship. Most early relationships for mermaids are probably one night stands. By age five though a mermaid begins to want a child. Since all memaids are female the only way they can reproduce is with a human male who's been magically transformed.
THE BRINY KISS
Also known as the sweet and salty taste of mermaid love. A suitable male is led for a late afternoon swim. The mermaid kisses the male at sunset. As the sun sinks below the horizon the male grows a tail and becomes amphibous. The transformation into merman lasts only untill sunrise. the mermaid leads the newly created merman to her egg chamber. She lays an egg in her egg basket,a device that warms and aereates the egg. The merman is encouraged to deposit silt on the egg. Upon doing this function the male will be led to the surface,he is transformed back to human by the suns early light.
GREEN-EYED MONSTER
Mermaids usually don't feel much jealousy. Shortly before egg-laying though a female may be prone to fits of rage,see Mighty Breath.
After egg-laying a mermaid tends to lose interest in her partner. When a mermaid reaches age four and can walk on land they occasionally seek out their fathers. This could be an amusing thing to spring on a pc who acts like a Lothario.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

MERMAIDS PART QUARTO-Some further errata on Mermaids,neatly sblocked for your veiwing pleasure.
ALGAE BRA
A bra that is made from magical algae. Is constantly moist and is comfortable for mermaids who work as cooks or in hot,dry areas. Kept in a pail when not in use.
GREATER MERMAIDS
A somewhat mythical race. Golden hair and tails. Twice the size of normal mermaids. Use a two-headed trident in combat. Have Mighty Breath and an Earthquake ability. Speak only Poseiden's Speech. Hostile to humans since the time of the Great Hunting(Q.V.). Possess a magical tuning fork that can vibrate the ice caps to pieces ,causing world-wide flooding,left over from Atlantis?
TINY MERMAIDS OF THE BRINE
6 inch tall mermaids. Have a Briny Kiss they use to rescue shipwreck victims. Lawful and Good in their allegiance to Poseiden. Spellcasting ability plus tiny spearguns. Travel in a "Congress"of about three hundred members. Rarely seen.
BLOWFISH PALACE
A topless resturaunt run by mermaids. Serves sushi ,usually a haddock and spinach wrap,sometimes a cod wrapped in kale. Owned by a great grandmother mermaid named Neptuna. Cooks wear Algae Bras(Q.V.). A large glass tank serves as a childcare facility for young mermaids. Adults on break often dive in nude and switch from Feet to Fins while bar patrons watch from inside of the resturaunt. The wall decorations features huge blowfish and koi up to a metre long. A hangout for Groupers(Q.V.) and fishermen. Popular with japanese businessmen and a possible yakusa hangout.
GROUPERS
A slang term for guys who hang around with mermaids all the time. Often get tattos of mermaids. Some rich Groupers have built small ponds and lakes and kept mermaids in a sort of harem. Often treated with a sort of contempt by evil or nasty mermaids.
ALLEGIANCES
Most mermaids have an allegiance to the mermaid race. Many have an allegiance to Poseiden. Many have an allegiance to Chaos. Many will lean to Good or Evil,the split is about 4-1 in favor of Good. Some will take an allegiance to the Ocean itself.
THE KINDER-AQUARIUM
In New Orc City the city council has dictated that all young mermaids must attend the Kinderaquarium between the ages of 2-4. This school has plastic books,desks that are combination hot tubs and desks, and  buses with waterproof seats. Between the ages of 2-4 most mermaids are fast learners,absorbing what a human child takes 12 years to absorb.
THE GRAND SPIRAL
About 2 miles out in New Orc harbor there is a stone spiral the mermaids have been working on for about 200 years. This looks like a snails shell? Holds 10,000 to 30,000 mermaids at night, half empty during the day except for mermaids under 1 year old or over 36 years old. Lighting is by Continual Flame spells. Spiral grows steadily every year,just like a snails shell.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Some possible Mermaid Npcs.
Neptuna
32 year old great,great,great ,great grandmother. Has 2 children,4 grandchildren,8 great grandkids,16 great great grandkids,32 great great great grandkids and roughly 60 some odd great great great great grand kids. Owns the Blowfish Palace. Is rumoured to have had over 5000 lovers. Has 1 goldfish tattoo for every descendent or around 125 tattoos. As a youngster swam up the amazon river and has bite scars from a forty foot anaconda. Once caught a forty inch long blowfish. Thinking of retiring soon and searching for Atlantis.
Koi
A mermaid stripper. Has an allegiance to EVIL. Wishes to become a hit-person. Has a total body tattoo of hundreds of Koi,the fins interweave and leave none of her body uncovered. Has an private apartment that used to be a gym with an indoor swimming pool. Something of a man-hater. Uses Sai ,or as she calls them, hand tridents in combat. Occasionally carries a handgun.
Merlinda
Knows her father and got a 1 million dollar trust fund from him. Willing to hire pcs for discreet missions. Competes with sisters for fathers attention. Activist for Mermaid rights. Hunts sharks as part of Poseiden worship. Green peace volunteer?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

PEACEFUL POND. A sidequest for when pcs need to leave New Orc till things cool down. Peaceful Pond is a small town that has a large lake. Recently developers built houses all around what was an undeveloped lake. A lot of these McMansions had mermaids as maids or mistresses and the Mermmaid population in the lake has grown from 5 to 36. Tensions are mounting. Factions are as follows.
Town Guys.
Used to visit the Mermaids and get a little bit of the old Splish Splash. Now there's more mermaids than ever but the rich dudes seem to be blocking access,Duuuuuude. The rich guys seem to be popular with some of the human women as well,mainly single guys seem to be in the developement.
Town Girls
Things were bad enough when there was 5 mermaids,now there's 3 dozen statuesque redheads running around town and getting all the quality guys. These Mermaids are tougher than human women and lack the social skills to avoid arguements over men.
Rich Guys
More Money than sense. Buy million dollar Mcmansions around a lake where Mermaids frolic. Every dock has a telescope or binocular stand. Cookouts are almost constant with Mermaids being the center of attention.
rich girls
 A minority of increasingly annoyed housewifes. Some are beginning to treat the family Mermaid poorly. Do not want to be near the Mermaid mistresses. Some rich girls are disgusted that their dad left their mom for a Mermaid.
Some incidents; A rich girl goes out to her dock and gives dirty looks to the mermaids. The mermaids glare back. The rich girl goes inside and gets a pouch of coffee grounds and pours it slowly into the lake. A mermaid comes ashore and "Legs-up" and catfight insues with people around the lake filming it. Police break things up. Next incident involves a precocius 2 year old mermaid learns to walk on land early and goes for a stroll on land without adult guardianship. The Pcs are asked to help quietly search for her. When the pcs catch up to what looks like a nude 17 year old how bad do things get? If they grab her she starts to cry for her mom,cops materialise out of thin air while a dozen camera phones record events for posting to internet. If they chase her she streaks away thru the night,where's the most embarassing place for her to go? When the cops arrest pcs do the Mermaids admit they asked for help or pretend they don't know Pcs? I  call this the Ariel Goes For A Stroll scenario. Nothing like a trip to a quiet small town to help Pcs to get away from it all.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

More ettin thoughts. Now Ettins in D+D are too large for a city campaign. A two headed human or Ogre might be better. The Multi-headed Template from Savage Species basically grants a +2AC , +2 HD , Multi-weapon for free cause each head controls an arm ,Unable to surprise  because heads swing in different directions , One head sleeps at a time . Would an ettin human crossbreed always produce a two headed being? Must the heads always be on the shoulders(Ettin drops his pants so you can talk to his little friend?). Do the heads both have to point forward,could one be directly behind the other? How about a sitcom inspired adventure?
LAVERNE + SHIRLEY
Now this is a great comedic duo. Give the heads discrete personalities. Laverne is loud and brash and does all the first 3 rounds of conversation. Shirly is shy and some how smarter(?) talks after Laverne is done . The Girls are constantly going on bad dates. Girls ocassionally get conned. Girls want to be better people and find true love.
LENNY + SQUIGGY
A perfect couple to make up an ettin. Always telling the Laverne +Shirly ettin they'd make perfect boyfriends. Tend to get into a lot of trouble. Speak in high pitched voices. Play them like Dumb And Dumber?
CARMINE RUGGERIO
A handsome(CHA 14) half-ogre. Likes Shirly and sometimes ignores Laverne. Rescues the girls from bad dates even if it means throwing someone down a flight of stairs. Occasionally sings' You're going to go from rags to riches." while beating people up.
These would make excellent wacky neighbors for the Pcs. Errata.. ettins are two-headed ogres,don't know why I thought they'd be too big for the city.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

THE EGGS-CHANGE, A nefarious organization. Imagine the scene,the pcs hear of a criminal organization is shipping an unlawful cargo thru a warehouse. they break into the warehouse and see stacks of what looks like egg cartons surrounding individual space heaters. If the pcs open a cartoon they find a dozen kobold eggs inside. The Eggshange is selling millions of dollars worth of kobold slaves to mining companies. Some eggs that the Eggschange might be into.
GIANT EAGLE 5OOOO $
A 500 lb eagle when adult. Suitable as a mount or guard. Occasionally used as an omelet. Very rare.
GRIFFON 70000$
A combo eagle/lion. mount or guard. Eaten rarely.
HARPY 64000 $
Always a slave ,rarely eaten due to taste.
HIPPOGRIFF 40000 $
A lion/horse combo. Used as a mount/guard,sometimes eaten. More common than the Griffon.
KOBOLD 40$
Slave labor in mines. Never eaten. Common and cheaper than some snake eggs.
LIZARDFOLK 80$
Guards and skins are harvested. Eggs not eaten. Common trade item for drug dealers in swampy areas.
MERMAID 200$
Sold to specialty brothels. Causes an outcry when descovered. rare item.
NAGA 70000-250000 $
A magical spellcaster is a long term investment. The water is cheapest at 70K,the Guardian would go for 250 K if it could be found.
GIANT OWL 50000$
Guard and mount. Intelligent and fierce,6 ft in height. wingspan requires outdoor use? Rare
OWLBEAR 60000$
Guard animal. requires careful handling. Rare pet for Nutjob?
more to follow. 

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

PEGASI 40000 $
Mount and guard. A basically good creature. Eggs occasionally consumed.
PSEUDODRAGON 200000 $
Pets. Some magical abilities. Eggs never eaten. Unusual item.
SPIDER EATER 40000$
Mounts and guards. Eggs not eaten. Useful in a spider infested area. A scientific creation?
TROGLODYTE 80$
Slave labor. eggs not eaten. Hard to sell at times,kobolds preferred.
WYVERN 100000 $
Mount and guard. source of poison. eggs rarely eaten. Very popular with some groups that like medevil items.
YUAN TI 50000$
A Psionic or magic using slave. Yuan ti sell these to groups as part of a long term takeover plot.
GIANT CROCS 4000$
Pets and guards. Eggs not eaten but hides are harvested. A rare item.
Snakes 60-1000$
Pets. Usually just the exotic and albinos get sold?
This group has access to high tech incubator technology. Run by a criminal named Egghead? Dc,Marvel and every other comic group seems to have a villain named Egghead? Dragon Eggs probally start at a Million and are sold at special auction.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

CROCIDILES-LIZARDFOLK in D+D terms. Crocs in New Orc do not get a -2 to intelligence, provided they were born in New Orc and didn't migrate in from the "wilds". Crocs live in Croc houses, 60 adults, 30 children , 6 eggs and one leader,often a dragon,naga or yuan-ti. There are about 100 croc house in Croctown on the outskirts of New Orc. In this world I want males to be 5 ft and weigh 200 LBS. I want females to be 7 Ft. and weigh 250 Lbs. Crocs can live to be 200 years old,12 feet in length and weigh a ton. I would like this to be a matriarchial society ,unlike D+D which is normally patriarchal in nature. I want Semunya to still be their god of choice.

BE LARGE,BE STRONG,LIVE LONG
The motto most crocs live by. Most Crocs live to eat and sleep. Hot dogs,fish,rats,frogs tend to be served 24 hrs a day at most croc houses.
HEAT
Crocs can survive cold temps as adults. The giant swimming pool in most Croc houses is kept at a hot 98 degrees. The swimming pool is roughly 40 by 120 feet. Has a wooden lattice on top that acts as walkways and roughly divides the pool into 10X10 sections. You can still swim from section to section underwater, The planks are just so crocs can walk around and rest their heads on. There is a kitchen area where rat cages , fish tanks and pots of boiling hot dogs are kept. The New Orc Crocs either eat food live or steaming hot.
LOCKERS
Most crocs take off their civilised clothes and put them in a locker. There is little theft from within a tribe.
CLOTHING
Most crocs wear an overall of denim with a hole for the tail,adding a sweater when it drops below 70 degrees. Hats with a chin tie are becoming popular.
COMMUNAL LIVING
Most Crocs have their paychecks deposited to the tribes bank account. Most crocs have a walking around amount of money. Crocs will do almost anything to see that the tribe survives. Crocs will eat refuse on occasion.
OCCUPATIONS
Sewer worker, Garbage man, Security forces,cleaning crew,Exterminator,cop,Fishing boat pilot,manual labor.
Spiked club and shield
Many females demand that males fight for the right to breed,using the traditional tribal weapons. Matches are NOT to the death though this happens. Outsiders are not invited to watch.
Pc adventures might involve getting a male the right to breed. Hiring a female croc as muscle and not knowing she's female becuse of lack of mammaries could lead to humorous misunderstandings. A croc telling a pc that they look nice and heavy might be mis -understood as well. In New Orc muggers are reluctant to attack Crocs because they have such thick armor and a tendancy to bite off and swallow arms,juries have also been reluctant to judge against crocs for this instinctive behavior,nobody feels sorry for a New Orc mugger.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Further Croc thoughts.
THE LAW
In the eyes of the law Crocs can be excused some behaviour based on their instincts,such as mauling their attackers to death. They also get forgiven of murder if its part of a breeding duel,this is an instinctive and religious behaviour that the courts are reluctant to adjudicate.
Some civilised precepts that Crocs are trying to teach their young
:
BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU EAT
Crocs consider it an honor to be consumed after their death,few societies practice this form of religious cannabilism. Crocs are expected to compensate owners for any pets they eat,young Crocs have to be reminded of this every time a dog barks at them.
OUTSIDERS EXPECT PAYMENT
You just can't take what you want from small outsiders,they expect to be paid,the tribe will suffer if you don't follow this rule.
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU THREATEN
Amongst themselves Crocs occasionally push and shove and even open their jaws with a loud hiss,this causes problems with outsiders who overreact to this territorial behaviour.
RIDING BACKWARDS THRU LIFE
With a 2-4 foot long tail many Crocs will turn a human chair around and sit in it backwards. They do this on buses and in breakrooms ,they usually place a purse or backpack under them.
ADEPTS
This race should have about one adept for every 20 adults. I would consider porting in the Adept class from the DMG. just for this race. This means there could be roughly 300 Croc Adepts in New Orc.
SOBEK
Worshipped by some crocs who join cults. Tend to favor human sacrifice and  clerics in place of Adepts.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

A day in the life of Olive,a fairly typical croc. Olive wakes up in the morning , rising from a heated massage couch and going to the communal toilet. Leaving the toilet she heads to the kitchen for a breakfast of five lbs of meat,live or boiled piping hot depending on her mood. She hits the locker room and dresses in a fresh overall with an olive -colored sweater. She carries her other stuff in a backpack. She also puts on her whiffler,a device that fits in her jaws and allows her to perform CPR on a human,this goes on a chain around her neck. She catches the bus to a nearby bakery,she has some cooking skills but mainly does manual labor around the kitchen. They allow her to eat a gallon of  used grease once a week and occasionaly give her some three day old baked goods. By croc standards this minimum wage job is worth it,food plus a paycheck for the tribe. On thursday olive does a 4 hour shift as a lifeguard and also pulls a full shift on saturdays. This pays better but no food,chlorine in the pool stings a little,but Olive likes teaching human children who look at her 7 foot tall,250 LB body with respect. Olive catches the bus home,sitting backwards to give her tired tailbone a rest. Olive hits the lockers at the crochouse,dropping off her stuff and putting dirty clothes in a hamper to be washed by the young children of the tribe. Olive hits the toilet,communally -owned and built for a croc's tail. Olive then goes upstairs to the kitchen and drops off any baked goods she didn't eat at the bakery. she eats another 5 lb meal. Olive goes down to the heated pool and swims for a few minutes and then places her head on the edge of the pool for a 2 hour snooze. Olive wakes up,goes for a potty break and has another 5lb snack. Olive then goes down stairs and hits the heated massage table for a 2 hour snooze. Olive awakens from snoooze #2, a dry one,pottybreak followed by 5 lb snack. Olive then takes a third snooze in the pool,pottybreak,kitchen snack. The fourth snooze is her last and is on a heated massage table where she gets an oil rubdown,this starts a new day. Sunday is a church day with some group activities led by the tribes adepts under the direction of a water nage who leads this tribe.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Mermaids part five-
You say Poseidon and I say Poseiden
Since I pronounce it Poseiden and also spell it Poseiden ,and since consistancy is the hobgoblin of small minds,I shan't change.
THE GREAT HUNT
There was in the world of New ORC a rumor that eating mermaid flesh granted immortality. Many mermaids died and Poseiden granted his followers Mighty Breath to deal with human sailors. This war has ended but there's still persistant rumors that encourage some fools to put the bite on mermaids.
ATLANTIS
Many Mermaids beleive that they're the descendants of the lost Atlanteans. Many elderly Mermaids wander into the ocean depthes ,questing for Lost Atlantis, no one has found it yet.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

An adventure thought. "How the Cookie Crumbles."I would like to have some Keebler elves in this world,along with some cookie based monsters and themes.
KEEBLER ELVES
These are actually Tallfellow Halflings,everybody started calling them elves and it was too much of a hassle to wise them up so the halflings quit trying. Only the ruling family was named Keebler but everybody assumed they were one family so they eventually took the last name,often use city or town names now.
BAKING
Every Keebler Elf has a craft/cooking focus,devoting half of their skills to this and being born with 4 free skill levels.
Professions
Most Keeblers become some sort of Fast/Smart hero who does business and wizardry.
The Tree
Most Keebler Elf take-offs I've seen over the past few decades place the Keeblers in a relatively small factory/tree. I would like this to be more like the Yagga tree from the novel Amazonia by Rollins. In the Amazon rain forest you occasionally see what they call the Devils Playground. This is a tree that has evolved to host a race of 1 inch ants. The tree and ants are symbionts. The ants clear an area around the tree and defend it. The tree provides tunnels inside it,sugary sap and shelter. So, imagine this is a genetically complex tree. It shelters the Keeblers and every part is usuable;sap.leaves,bark,roots,flowers,nuts and etc. The Keeblers can exist away from the tree but the tree needs the Keeblers to grow,especially as a sapling. The tree should grow to height of 600 foot with branches that spread to 100 foot in length and 12 feet around. The roots should be hollow in places and 10 feet in diameter. This allows a factory to be built underground.
DOGS
The Keeblers keep Medium sized sized attack dogs
Now suppose the Keeblers come to the Pcs with problems. Some one has stolen a cookie recipe. Some One has stolen a cookie shipment. Something is causing leaves to fall off the tree. A keebler is attacked. Who is behind these problems?
Cookie Monster
Short blue-furred and has an appetite for destruction.
PILSBURY
They have the dough.....to cause trouble.
Amos
May be up to something In-famous.
THE LORAX
He speaks for the trees ,for the trees have no voices to speak with ,you see. A self-appointed tree advocate, bound to be a pain in the butt.
Is this an important adventure? Recall the words of Ray Romano "Never Underestimate the Power of the Cookie !" The Keeblers have a lot of fans and friends can help the Pcs out of many a jam.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Some additional thoughts on "HOW THE COOKIE CRUMBLES". I would like to introduce a pc contact, a young and funny Keebler Elf,some one to help the Pc during this adventure and be a contact latter in the campaign.
Cookie of the New Orc City Keeblers
Young and pretty blond tallfellow halfling. A font of knowledge and spends a lot of time explaining stuff to the pcs. Owns a magical wand. Wand has a white shaft and what looks like a chocalate chip cookie on the end. Cookie can create any normal cookie she's ever seen if she makes a successful will check. Wand does not have charges. As part of adventure the cookie monster might kidnap Cookie and force her to produce one cookie after another? How many cookies can Cookie produce using the Cookie Wand at the behest of the Cookie Monster?
Role-playing the Cookie Monster
In order for this adventure to work the Dm must commit to role-playing ,not rollplaying the Cookie Monster. Therefore I suggest a rigerous training schedule. First shout out "COOKIES" with joyful abandon. Then see how many cookies you can stuff in your mouth. When your mouth is  full munch in a vigerous fashion without fear of spillage. Then say "COOKIES" in a most satisfied fashion. Do this in front of a mirror once a day for weeks till you have it down pat. Now you're Dming with style.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Another mixed-up adventure from the febrile brain of taradusis. "All We Are Is Dust In The Wind." This is a game of keep-a-way where the pcs are hired to transport a magic bottle containing the dusty remains of a master vampire.
Vlad the Impalers Kid Brother
Now most vampire fans know that the Dracula myth is based off the real life Vlad the Impaler. Vlad was sent as a child to live under the turks who had conquered Romania. What they don't know is that his younger brother Radu The Pretty was sent also. The turks in order to make puppet rulers would torture and abuse these boys. Vlad became stoic and hate-filled under the abuse,Radu the Pretty learned to enjoy the abuse. A common ploy was to slice open the chest and sip the young boys blood,this later became part of the vampire mythology. Both Vlad and Radu joined the Brotherhood of The Wolf,rumored to be werewolves. After being killed by other nobles both Radu and Vlad arose ,with Vlad asssuming the Dracula persona and mystique. Radu became a pretty yet dangerous fool. Radu wears a turban with a large ruby and a huge ostrich plume. Radu wears slippers that curl up and have tiny bells at the tip. Radu has long scarves that hang out of his sleeves and attempts to wave his arms about in an artful fashion. Radu has eyelashes that are almost 2 inches long and claims to have eyes that are prettier than a she- goats. Radu tends to demand that male Pcs compliment him. Radu tells female pcs to shut up or he'll eat their hearts.
CHERUBS OF DEATH
Radu the Pretty likes to convert 3-8 year old boys to vampires. They are given bows and cloaks that look like batwings. A faction that wants to save Radu the Pretty.
THE DRAC PACK
A group of Draculas followers who want the bottle as a gift for dracula.
RED MOON VAMPIRES
A faction controlled by Draculas daughter Lillith. Hate Radu for how he treated Lillith. This faction attempts to destroy the earth every red moon. Wear red clothing and have a button designed to look like a red moon.
HAN SOLO THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE HUNTER.
 A future society bred aggresive instincts out of themselves. In this future humans are surrounded by a floating cloud of nano bots that provide for your every need. An alien race shows up and has a bio-electric field that destroys the nano-bots,allowing their warriors to close in and kill the humans bare-handed. The science council of this alternate future uses clones of actors like Harrison Ford and Arnold Swartzenegger,with an artificial personality overlay to defend the Earth. so the future is filled with millions of Han Solos and Terminaters. One Han Solo was being teleported and a mishap caused him to be sent back in time rather than thru space. Han solo has an Uv laser pistol that is really effective against vamps. After a meeting with Harrison Ford,this Han Solo took up a career of Vampire Hunting. Shows up to rescue pcs when things go horribly wrong.
Crazed Collecters
If it can be collected someone will. If it is morbid and rare then the price for this collectable is in the millions. A rich turk who is a druglord might want this dust from it's connection to the Ottoman Empire?
When the government hires the pcs to take this dust to the Hexagon,a supernatural holding facility,tell them as little as possible. Since most Pcs hate Dm exposition this shouldn't be hard. The Cherubs of Death should end up with the bottle and ressurect Radu the Pretty. the Party should be given anti-vampire goodies and a chance to make this right after loosing the dust bottle.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

All We Are Is Dust In The Wind, cont'd. This should be a chance to meet several vampire factions and tick them off.
first encounter
First the Drac Pack sends a noble dressed in black armor with a ghoul on a chain,he demands the bottle in the name of his dread master Dracula.
2nd encounter
 Next comes a freak dressed in red lingerie with a red moon button.This freak is accompanied by a couple of Renfields,or human slaves. The freak demands the bottle in the name of Mistress Lilith. Promises a world of pain.
3rd encounter
A small boy in a tuxedo and what appears to be leather batwings confronts the pcs with a smallbow. Demands to have his pretty friend returned. Has help from older friends with shotguns?
Han Solo
I want Han to show up and blast a serious vamp with his UV blaster. Introduce himself as Han Solo, The Fearless Vampire Slayer.
Hammer films produced about 10 Dracula films. Dracula was virtually impossible to put down on a permanent basis. The Cherubs of Death probably have the blood of a virgin. The Red moon faction has ritual magic. The Drac Pack could use the blood of Dracula himself. Collectors just want the bottle,send drug dealers with cash ,then Uzi's?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE KING KONG? Every so often you're going to have to come up with a side game. A player will fail to show. A player will forget to bring his character sheet,and you forgot to ask them to leave a spare. You forgot your adventure. whatever the reason you want something to play besides Monopoly. A side game is the answer. This side game is based off some thoughts I had about King Kong and Giant Ape Wrestling from Futurama.
GIANT APES
The pcs should be issued stripped down versions of Cloud Giants. Each Pc should get an identical Ape.
DISH 1
On a platform 30 feet in the air and chained between posts is a Fay Wray type. A cute blonde with a good scream,able to survive King Kong using skills she got from dealing with hollywood producers.
DISH 2
On a platform 30 feet in the air is a wooden barrel with with a ton of a soporific berries. These are offered to calm the savage beast.
THE BIG BANANA
On a platform 30 feet in the air,surrounded by a golden glow.  This is a one ton solid gold banana,has a magical glow from Nystuls Magic Aura.
Villagers
Some armed with spears,some women with babies. Bonus points awarded for stepping on or biting off the heads like Kong did in the movie.
HUTS
Thatched roofs and easily destroyed,a few points?
Going ape
This game does not rely on character developement or team playing. It relies on outrageous behaviour.
THE RULES
#1 You're a Giant Ape,act like one. #2 It's every Ape for themselves. #3 There will be a prize for going Ape.
AWARDS
Since they won't be getting XP or treasure you should come up with some prizes to give out. A bunch of Bananas. A rubber Ape mask. A small ape figure from the dollar store. If you give one you should give something to all pcs?
This should be a fairly quick and raucus game,consider pitting two sample apes against each other so you can get a feel for giant ape combat.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

THE OLD CROSS-DIMENSIONAL MAGICAL PANTY RAID. The pcs are hired to steal magical panties from  a witchy sorority.
THE WITCHES
A college sorority of evil witches. All between 17-25. All have large trust funds. All wear magical panties. All have goblinoid bodyguards. Number between 40-60.
GOBLIN GIRLS
About 6 goblin girls for every witch. Wear pink outfits. Pink pleated skirts. Pink jackets with epaulets like a bellhops. Tiny pink cap held in place by string. Small sized halberd with pink handle. Small .38 pistol with pink handle and a pink gunbelt. Small pink backpack for carrying witches books and computer. Drive the pink golf carts of the witches. Goblins in this world are green. Goblin girls are hired in order to keep the young witches surrounded by females.
BODYGUARD BUGBEARS
Wear black or red leather armor. Use a Ketchpole or 9MM. pistol on the job. 1 female bugbear is hired per witch. Bugbears also have elaborate and bead heavy hairdo's,sort of like Bo Derek in the movie 10. Bugbears are trained to react to the cry "NERD"by using their Ketchpole on the offending male. Picture a 400 lb. female bugbear with braided hair holding a nerd off the ground with ketchpole fastened around his neck.
Witch House mother
A female ogre magi who spends most of her time looking like a asian human of great beauty. Has two small tridents she wears in her hair,these will enlarge to fit her human or ogress form. Has a wand of Baleful Polymorph she wears in a holster. Dresses in silk dresses slit up to her waist. Is a cannibal,of course.
guardhouse
The outer defence of the witch house dimension is a pink building with surveilence camaras and plenty of Goblin Girls acting as guards. Inside this building is the gate to the pocket dimension that contains the witch house. Acts as a parking garage for pink golf carts.
the witch house
 A large pink castle located in its own dimension.  The Dimension has what appears to be a sun and moon but doesn't,this is a visual effect and can be made to pulse with red light in an emergancy. The Wich House Dimension is a 1 mile X 1 mile X 1 mile cube of space. When you approach the edge of the dimension and pass thru you appear at the opposite side of the dimension,a familiar effect for video game players. The ground of this dimension is grassy and has rolling hills and hummocks.
MAGICAL PANTIES
What does a witchy millionairess with goblinoid servents and all other lifes luxuries want, why, magical panties of course. Magical panties can fit any girl from a goblin to a giantess. Stand in front of a mirror and touch the panties and you can get them to change their color and cut. Magical panties clean and mend themselves. Magical panties filter bad smells and emit scents like rose,vanilla or herbal scents. (Witch house girls like to have have pretty smell contests after eating beans or pickled eggs.)  Magical panties can once per day cast Cure Disease on the wearer. (used to cure the common cold of course).
The BUYER
What sort of person would hire people to steal magical panties? A jealous socialite. A foreign businessman who's perverted. A clothing designer who hopes to recreate them. A fraternity that wants to return them in exchange for.....
The Goblin Girls often march around in groups chanting like the Winkies who guard the Wicked Witch of the West. The Housemother delays turning into an Ogress. Witches travel in groups,3 witches,3 bugbear guards,3-6 Goblin Girls in 3 pink golf carts. Pcs should be offered 20,000 dollars per panty they can steal?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

HELP THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON IS IN MY BATHTUB. Now imagine the pcs come home to find their apt. is trashed and there are wet sounds coming from the bathroom. A jet black sahaugin has heard that the pcs are cross dimensional travellers. He leaves New Orc harbor. He finds their apt. He kicks in the front door. He smashes all the light bulbs,because he hates bright light. He goes to the bathtub because he's drying out. He comes out and says 'You Vill Elp Me".  Do the pcs over re-act?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

THELMA AND LOUISE, Love Conguers All. Now suppose in this world Thelma and Louise were real people and the movie with Susan Sarandon and Gina Davis was a fictionalised account of their life and supposed death. Now, when the car goes over the cliff thats supposedly the end of Thelma and Louise. For the sequel suppose it didn't end like that? the sequel (Love Conguers All) Begins with the car flipping thru the air. Gina and Susan are thrown from the car while still holding hands and land in a river. They swim to the surface with Gina's dress clinging to her amazonian form. T+L make it to the river bank and dry their clothes. They then head for mexico where they find work in a clinic for sick kids. Movie closes with susan smiling benificently at gina as she's surrounded by the kids who adore her. don't you just love a happy ending?
THE MACHISMO GROUP
The machismo group is a group of manly men who get together to ,in a manly fashion ,discuss their manly jobs, manly hobbies , sport'scars , weightlifting and who's not manly like them. evey so often they write a letter to some guy who's not manly,encouraging him to "man-up".
THE HUNTING PARTY
Having heard that Thelma and Louise survived the Machismo Group has decided to bring them to a man's justice, for why should mere women get to flout the law and encourage women to be "uppity". The pcs are asked, provided they're manly, to join the 2 dozen or so Machismo members as they hunt these two dangerous fugitives.
How does this play out. Do the pcs join these nuts? Do they warn T+L? How does the mexican government react? Do the girls have a pistol or two? Do the pcs get confused and go visit the actresses instead of the outlaws? Does a radical splinter group of the National organization  of Women (NOW) show up to help T+L?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

THELMA AND LOUISE(LOVE CONQERS ALL) Cont'd. Now,while male and female extremists are equally silly,I believe I would like to emphasize male silliness in this adventure. The Machismo Group should own a nice mansion. There should be oil paintings of Burt Reynolds,Shaq,Steve McQueen,Arnold Swartzenegger and other Manly Men on the walls. There should be some photos of feminists like Rosie O'Donnel,Whoopi Goldberg,Joy Behar with red crosses painted on them. The Meeting Room for Manly Men should feature a round table and heavy leather bound chairs. When the Manly Men enter they should circle the table chanting" Men Men Men,we're Manly Men....Men Men Men ,oh we're the Manly Men." The leader of the Manly Men should carry a large bulbuos -headed mace. There is no secretary for the Machismo Group, he's called the Record Keeper.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Taradusis, you do make this one entertaining setting. Although I might not run a game in this world any time soon, it does make me laugh or smile anytime I see a post here. 

Well,you know what socrates said "A little nonsense now and again is something appreciated by the wisest of men." Now,my next idea involves saddling the party with a pet and an officious censor. The pcs are sent back in time to attack a supervillains pre-historic lair,pretty standard stuff, right? While in the past the pcs confront and kill a maximum HD T.rex. After the Party leaves a baby T.rex comes out of the bushes and wails pathetically. This just goes to show that everytime the pcs kill something it has consequences.

Apple Peaches PumpkinPie
Louis Mcmaster Bujold invented a race called quaddies. Quaddies were genitically altered humans designed to live and work in space. Quaddies had two additional arms where a normal human would have legs. Quaddies were great natural mechanics,Perhaps born with a Craft Mechanical -4. Quadddies could live in zero G or low G enviroments without bone loss but collapsed under normal gravity. In the New Orcverse I want quaddies to come from an alternate future where after being created they're installed in a solar power collecting satellite. After 200 years of living and working in the satellite quaddie scientists create more and more technology for an increasingly hostile humanity. The situation is intolerable and the quaddies flee in the SPS ,moving it closer to the sun for increased energy for their ultra high tech society. Apple Peaches Pumpkinpie(Named by a random computer search) is born after the retreat of the quaddies and has been watching heros as a hobby. She transports the baby T.rex back home and modifies his intelligence so he can talk and gives him some basic ethical training to make him a "Good Guy". Apple then transports the T.rex to where the Pcs are now,Tells them they're responsible for raising Bambi Rex(named by Apple who has shown the Bambi Rex the Bambi movie.).
BAMBI REX
A 200 lb talking baby T.Rex. Has an Allegiance to Good. Causes the following problems;Needs 40 lbs of meat a day. New Orc has A Pooper Scooper law,Bambi Rex produces a lot. Talks at inapropriote times. May eat pets. May attack threats. Has parasites? Needs teeth cleaned? needs a hot rock to sleep on? Never forgets that Pcs killed his mom.
Apple thoughts
Appears like a girl with four arms and no legs. Wears a metallic jump suit. Floats in mid air due to gravity back pack. Belt has a giant yellow smiley face that reflects the moods of Apple. Apple's Mood Belt also has numerous rods. Rods can do things like cast a Geas on Pcs. Give intelligence and speech to animals. Generate lighting bolts. Apple tells party shes with the Chronal Oversight Patrol or COPS. Apple should show up and pester the Pcs every so often.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Since its easter how about a holiday thought or two. The Eggschange is a good source for wacky crimes. If it's run by Egghead he's always thinking up something.
You're going to be the Octo-mom!
The Eggschange kidnaps an elven pc or an elven NPC. They're going to use the elf as a surrogate mom for some thri-keen. The elf will end up with 8 thri-keen eggs inside him. A cure disease or eight hours of surgery can remove the eggs. If not the pcs probably dies as the thri-keen eat them inside out.
Faberge
 A gold faberge egg is stolen because it's worth millions. A straight adventure unless the pcs drop it.
Stoned
A petrified egg is stolen from a museum. Does it contain a stone creature like Gorgon? Is it a spell ingredient? In a world with weird life forms do people wish they'd go away?
goose that lays golden eggs.
There's a mid-evil european kingdom that has a goose who lays golden eggs. The goose is stolen by the Eggschange and brought to New Orc. Goose is the size of a man and about to lay a fertile egg rather than a gold one. Goose may fly away from rescuer's? Everybody in New Orc Hunts the famous bird?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Since it's Easter, what about Zombie Jesus? Although I can see not wanting to do it as might be seen as mocking some people's religious views.. Which I don't mean to offend anyone.
Zombie Jesus vs Easter Bunny battle for a day or something? 
In D+D jesus would on easter be an avatar or demigod? The easter bunny is probably a demigod or Legendary Beast. Hordes of Anthropomorhic rabbit men who sneak into children's bedrooms. Flocks of giant fluffy yellow peep chickens,some sort of golem. Chocolate bunnies. Jelly beans that are a hallucigenic drug? The old exploding easter egg gag? Easter lilies as some sort of Awakened plant monsters? Random thoughts.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

In D+D jesus would on easter be an avatar or demigod? The easter bunny is probably a demigod or Legendary Beast. Hordes of Anthropomorhic rabbit men who sneak into children's bedrooms. Flocks of giant fluffy yellow peep chickens,some sort of golem. Chocolate bunnies. Jelly beans that are a hallucigenic drug? The old exploding easter egg gag? Easter lilies as some sort of Awakened plant monsters? Random thoughts.



Something on a more grandeur scale, definitely. Bets on who'd win a gladiatorial fight between Jesus and the Easter Bunny. Jesus' disciples vs rabbit men. Rides on the peep chicken golems for the kids!
The peeps allow the kids to have a few bites and offer a ride. When the kids are on board the peeps turn goooey and absorb the children. Pcs must be careful to not hurt entrapped children?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

St Patricks Day Adventure. Since I love holiday adventures about some disjointed thoughts on a st. Paddy's day adventure.
Overview
New Orc is going thru a minor recession just like us. The Leprechauns decide to help by creating magical slippers fit for a queen. The entire city will search for the slippers on St.Patricks Day,fun for all,free -for -all.
The Leprechauns
 A large tribe that wants to protect their gold from greedy politicians who are spendaholics.
The Diamond Slippers
Leprechauns love cobbling. if you're being chased by an angry Leprechaun you can take off your shoes and throw them into the mud,the leprechaun will obsessively stop to clean and repair your footgear. Most leprechauns got their gold by cobbling for centuries on end. The leprechauns have created a pair of diamond slippers. When worn prevent aging for 100 years. Allow a  bonus to diplomacy and wealth creation efforts. The wearer is called queen of New Orc.
Lucky charms
During the search for the slippers the  contestents must find clues at the lucky charms. The Blue Diamond is going to be a star shaped wand carried by Glinda the Good,the de facto leader of the white witches. But I want to cover the New Orc witches in a later post. Pink hearts could be a bed and breakfast. Yellow moons could be a lycanthropic hideout.
Every rich family with elderly females is going to want the magical life-extending slippers. Evil witches,mermaids,Medusas,Drow sorcerers,female yuan-ti will also want these.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Fourth of July Adventure. Another possible holiday bash.
UNCLE SAM
Insane spellcaster who has been appearing once every decade for over a century. Wears an red,white and blue  top hat,tails and striped pants. Has a beef of some sort with trains or Iron Horses as he calls them.
STARZENSTRIPEZFUREVA
 A multi-headed dragon with one red,one blue and one white head. Created from grafting by Uncle Sam. Has flame,ice and electrical breath weapon attacks. Has flame,ice and electrical immunities. Gargantuan in size. Each head can speak and cast spells.  Sleeps after  july attacks. Lives in the Big Rock Candy Mountain,which is on this dimension for only brief periods. Hums the "stars and stripes forever" or "the Big Rock Candy Mountain.".
I picture an adventure that starts in june and ends with Starzenstripezfureva attacking a train full of politicians on the Fourth of July. Uncle Sam creates small weapons as well. A chance to introduce odball weapons.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

DEATH TO ALL PIDGEONS. This is going to start as "Background'.
The Reveal
The Pcs will be gradually made aware that there's a lot of pidgeons in New Orc. Statues covered in guano. Flocks of pidgeons pestering people in the park.(A 500 lb pidgeon shows up?) The Pcs get splattered with guano. The pcs slip on a roof covered with guano.
Gargoyle origins
Gargoyles in mythology were created from demonic statues. Demons supposedly flew over the earth at night. To keep them away from towns churches would build stone demons to trick the demons into seeking another town to plaque. A wizard or witch cast an evil spell and the gargoyles came to life.
Mini-Gargoyles
A modern wizard is tired of pidgeons.  He couldn't find fullsized gargoyles so he ordered a few hundred resin gargoyles,the kind people put in gardens or on computers. Using the changing a monsters size rules from the back of the MM you can create tiny sized Gargoyles. The Wizard could create and geas these mini gargoyles into killing every pidgeon in New Orc.
Death to all pidgeons
The gargoyles don't need to eat ,sleep or breathe. They start by attacking flocks. Then individual pidgeons. Then they go into warehouses and underpasses to destroy nests. They might be attacked by pets and defend themselves without violating the Geas. A pidgeon coop owner might be attacked if he defends his birds. Eventually the pcs need to end the problem? Track down the wizard and get him to remove spell or kill all the min-gargoyles.
Many monsters in D+D are still quite fearsome even when reduced in size. A dog sized manticore is still tougher than most first level pcs.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

HE'S JACK E. CLAIR,HE'S FRENCH AND DEBONAIR.
role-playing Jack
An atrocious french accent? Sort of a cross between peter sellers and maurice de cheveler(SP?). i reccomend watching the Pink Panther series and practicing in front of the mirror.
The Fat Burgler
Now in france a few years back they caught a nut case. This guy claimed to be the premier cat burgler of his generation. He had been breaking into third rate museums and stealing 1 or 2 paintings. after watching Mission Impossible he tried to rappel down a rope. He became stuck and because he was twice the size he should be was unable to bend in half and disconnect the tangle. He gradually passed out and the guards found him the next morning. They used cell phones to take photos and swung him back and forth. The Gendarmes eventually showed up and arrested him. The police searched his appartment and found the paintings which he stole and couldn't figure out how to fence. His court appointed lawyer entered an insanity plea.
This basically a test to see how long it takes the players to recognize a crazy. he should offer his services to get into a building,and fail badly?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

HORSING AROUND. A magical mystery.

Centaur origins
In ancient history a tribe of horsemen existed. The women die in some sort of plague while the men are out hunting. The men return and pray to the gods while clinging to their horses for support. The gods melded these creatures into one being that became known as centaurs. In New Orc this could exist as a curse?
The victim
A well bred woman,who has rejected a shaman's advances. Now she's a human with a horse by day and a centaur by night. Lives in a nice mansion with stable.
Bit players
In order to slow down the Pcs,throw a few red herrings their way. A mermaid maid who lives under the pool,sleeping with victims husband. Mom-in Law is a 90 year old witch who hates victim. Husband is a cheat and lives off wifes fortune. Butler is a former cultist.
It should take a while for the pcs to find the Shaman. The centaur forms every night,does she wear clothing or trot around topless? Does she remember her name?

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

MOGS OF NEW ORC. In the movie Spaceballs John Candy played a Mog. A mog is a part man/part dog and is his own best friend. There are a couple of possible sources for Mogs. Savage Species has 2 Anthropomorphic dogmen. D20 Modern has moreaus based off the Andrew Swain novels. I will use the Riding Dogs.

I will immediately report any Phishers or Lonely Hearts Scam Artists.

Sign In to post comments