As far as the benefit of the rest of Magic is concerned, gold cards in Legends were executed perfectly. They got all the excitement a designer could hope out of a splashy new mechanic without using up any of the valuable design space. Truly amazing.
--Aaron Forsythe's Random Card Comment on Kei Takahashi
An "Assassin" variant could also work, with some rule about what happens if you come out as your own target - perhaps if one player kills the other, you win instead of them, or perhaps your objective is to keep them at each others throats just so they don't turn on you.
Face it, you're pretty much here as a meat shield.
If you are at Georgian Court Univeristy or Monmouth Univeristy PM me. If you are out by York College of PA, I can help you reach the group there.
A decent article, one of Styborski's better ones, though still not comparable to the best of Alongi or Ferret (or the *very* best of Digges).